Sonja Lyubomirsky: "The Myths of Happiness"
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2013-01-03/sonja-lyubomirsky-myths-happiness
For many people, the holiday season and new year is a time to reflect on their well-being. We ask ourselves how happy we have been, and how we can find more happiness in the months to come. The answers seem straightforward: make more money, lose those extra pounds, find love, start a family. While these things may bring happiness for a time, chances are it will be fleeting. That’s according to Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychologist and expert in the science of happiness. In her new book, she says what should make us happy doesn't, but what shouldn't make us happy does. She joins us to talk about “The Myths of Happiness.”
Guests
Sonja Lyubomirsky
author of "The Myths of Happiness" and professor of psychology at University of California, Riverside.
Related Items
Read An Excerpt
Excerpted from "The Myths of Happiness" by Sonja Lyubomirsky. Reprinted by arrangement with The Penguin Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA), Inc. Copyright (c) Sonja Lyubomirsky, 2013.
Comments
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I have given up on ever being happy, not going to happen, would settle just for a little less stress and misery.
My experience is contrary to the position seemingly espoused in the extract super: when I have got what I want at an acceptable price, and there is a reasonable expectation that this will be so for awhile, I have been happy, and that happiness does not pall with repetition and time. Does my position somewhere noticeably along the autistic spectrum have anything to do with this?---I often feel more...simple...than the people around me, who seem to need personal drama and gods and status to an extent inexplicable to me. For them, Brecht said it best:
Ja; renn nur nach dem Glück (Yes, run for Happiness)
doch renne nicht zu sehr! (but don't run too hard)
Denn alle rennen nach dem Glück (For all run after happiness)
Das Glück rennt hinterher. (And Happiness runs behind)
Denn für dieses Leben (People demand too much of live)
ist der Mensch nicht anspruchslos genug
darum’st all sein Streben (That's why all their struggles)
nur ein Selbstbetrug. (...are no more than self-deception)
Can Sonja discuss "resiliency" and how to stay resilient and happy. Sometimes so many things can go wrong at the same time and collectively they can add up to a lot of negativity. How do you stay resilient and happy during bad times. How do you keep building yourself up?
I am also in psychotherapy for moderate depression. One tool we use is Dr. Seligman's Happiness Questionnaire at the Authentic Happiness website. I am a proponent of Positivie Psychology. It has helped me, but you have to stick with it and not be too cynical like I was for decades.
Please discuss how the "influence is weighted when a Happy person is coupled with a "Sturm & Drang" type of personality. :) Thanks!
If we only wanted to be happy, it would be easy - but we want to be happier than other people, which is difficult since we think them happier than they are. A quote from Montesquieu that has always struck me to the core. Especially in this modern age of people showcasing their lives on Facebook etc, it's a challenge to just be content and happy in my own space.
Ironically, as soon as I wrote that comment and posted it, I was given the option to "share it by publishing it" onto Facebook etc... Good grief!
People who are happy all the time seem to be in denial of their feelings or just not willing to feel them. Did you do any research into people who are "perpetually happy".... to the point of being annoying?
Janice in FL
I am in close contact with somebody who is never happy. My own happiness feels compromised when I'm in proximity to this person and have to work REALLY HARD to stay positive (my usual state). My question is, can a person sort of "catch" somebody's negative attitude when they are around? I have to physically move away from that person or hum outloud or put on the radio with upbeat music to "drown them out".
Comments?
Is not Fear a factor in inhibiting happiness? Choice has much to do with present happiness. Not living in the what ifs and what MIGHT happen can wipe out the happiness of the now. Choosing daily to be grateful, appreciative and 'lucky'. My husband reminds me daily of our wonderful existence ( not meaning money, materials but
mainly health, mobility, friends and how we interact with family.
Thanks.
Patricia Brock Thompson, Phoenix
Several years ago I lived in a poor African country. The average income was only $250/year, the Africans had nothing. But they were happy. Without radio, tv or internet they couldn't see how the rest of the world lived.
Happiness is a skill, not an acquisition.
I've been keeping track of the number of times Sonya has said "sort of" or "kind of." My count is now 18. Her relentless use of these wasted words is making me very unhappy.
What is it called when the same information is regurgitated over and over again?? Of course not the exact wording but basically the same information..Example 'December Birthdays', my oldest daughter was born on Dec.21 so i have dealt with the subject for over 30 yrs. But happiness?? Really ?? The public in general does not know enough about the subject ? Or is it that the information needs to be told to anyone who was not around for the first round?? but then why do people like your guest (Sonja Lyubomirsky) write a book like she is telling it all for the first time?? I am in my early 50's have i just been around too long and now i am here for the repeat?? Is life like learning the alphabet, we are presented with this fresh(to us) subject and then someone puts there own spin on how to teach the same old thing?? Ok i am going to say it, when and if someone tells me how to NEVER get a common cold because it has been cured then i will listen with new ears (my grandsons first grade teacher says that)until then 'I Heard It Before!!' Thank you love your program :-)
We know we are each unique, so I am not suggesting a recipe for happiness that fits everyone.
For me, its best to take each day as it comes & be happy in it; do my best not to think about yesterday or tomorrow. I am not perfect in this- but I forgive myself for this, too. I also remind myself to look for good in the simplest of things. Here is an example.
We could not afford to exchange Christmas gifts this year so instead, my family went for a long walk in a state park near our home. Bright blue sky, snow on the ground -we had the trails to ourselves.
We saw three magnificent bald eagles soaring right over our heads. We ate pbj's on the trail and left some bread crumbs in the pine trees for the birds. Its was the BEST Christmas present, ever and we were all incredibly happy- financially poor- but richly blessed.
We laughed about how many people were feeling stuffed and sleepy from a big Christmas Day dinner and here we were, surrounded by nature, sharing our meal with the birds. We all agreed that being together and sharing the beauty of the eagles was by far, a better gift than we could ever have found in a store.
I love the old Quaker song, "Tis a gift to be simple, tis a gift to be free". There is some wisdom there for the taking.
Great show! I am using some of this for a student retreat day at the college where I work. Thank you a million times - we needed this in the midst of the tragedies our nation is undergoing right now - politically and socially.
I'm not sure what to do with a guest like Ms. Lyubomirsky. Her credentials are impressive and I'm willing to acknowledge she’s "expert." Yet I have to wonder if she's telling us anything new or insightful? Worse, I think some of what she said is vague and even nonsensical.
Nothing she said is "new," either in the field of psychology or happiness. The so-called "myths" she discusses are just some of the misconceptions that people have had about happiness for thousands of years, and which even the ancient philosophers addressed. Fair enough, I say: Ms. Lyubomirsky is a psychologist who wanted to write, market and sell a book on her specialty. Nothing wrong with that. But what bothers me is that she acts as if this is new information when it isn't. Oddly, she said that "we're preoccupied, maybe even obsessed with happiness." Again, there is nothing new in that observation, but, after all, she's the one who did all that research on happiness and wrote a book on how to attain it, so doesn't that mean she is preoccupied with it?
I wasn't impressed with her statement that happy people are "more successful, live longer, have better relationships, higher immune function, are healthier, make more money, have more friends, are better liked, better negotiators, more generous," etc. Researchers must be cautious with cause and effect. Who's to say that all of those wonderful traits aren't the cause of happiness rather than the other way round? And then there are the contradictions. For example, at one point she says that happiness is not about money, later she says that there needs to be enough money to provide for food, shelter, and safety, and yet later she points out that people who make $200,000 a year are happier than people who make $100,000 a year. So money has nothing to do with happiness and it has something to do with happiness. Thanks, doc.
To be continued.
In another part of the discussion the topic of hedonistic habituation came up, or, in other words, taking things for granted. Her suggestion - again, nothing new - is that we can have too much of a good thing, and one way to ward that off is to deprive ourselves a bit. I kid you not - as an example she specifically advised that we shouldn't play with our dogs too much. Will shrinks start telling their patients NOT to eat two ice creams cones at night and call them in the morning? :-)
She vaguely acknowledged that some people are just born happy and don't have to work at it, while other people find the feeling of happiness elusive and challenging and must work very hard at it to have a chance at the brass ring. It's very important that depressed people don't play with their dogs too much. :-)
And finally, I must question the "wisdom" of the Spock quote from Star Trek. In one episode, Spock's beautiful Vulcan wife wants to divorce so she can marry another Vulcan who isn't always light years away from home. (As I recall, Spock didn’t even bother giving his wife Facebook updates) Spock tells the prospective groom, "You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. This is not logical, but it is often true." The general concept that "having" is not always what it's cracked up to be is true enough, especially if done in hedonistic excess, but in this context, Spock is only being petty, mean, jealous and resentful. The main purpose of that Star Trek episode was to show that Spock had outrageous hormones, a trophy wife, that he was every bit the stud that Captain Kirk was, and that, just like Kirk, he could love 'em and leave 'em. Speaking of Spock's beautiful wife, the actress Arlene Martel was also stunningly beautiful in Twilight Zone's "What You Need," The Outer Limit's "Demon With A Glass Hand," and she was the French Underground contact on Hogan's Heroes. Thinking of her beauty makes me very happy. :-)
A question for Janice Totten, who asked about people who are "perpetually and annoyingly" happy. Before I ask about the "denial" part of their happiness, can you be specific about how (or why) their happiness is annoying for you? Thanks!
Janice, it seems you are sandwiched between people who are annoyingly happy and annoyingly unhappy? You are beginning to sound a bit like Goldilocks. :-)
Monalisac, your comment about curing the common cold is funny. You may recall the cold prevention product called "Airborne" that was "invented by a 2nd grade school teacher because she was tired of always catching colds from her students." It's been selling pretty well for over ten years. Have you tried it yet? :-)
Farmgirl, your Christmas sounds wonderful, but you don't have to put down people getting stuffed on juicy turkey, creamy mashed potatoes with gravy, sweet yams with butter, and silky pumpkin pie. And if you think about it, all that delicious food is not very expensive, especially if you do it potluck style and everyone cooks the food together.
Oh, Edwards, I'm sad for you. I'm sad for me, too, b/c I know exactly how you feel.
It would be nice if the replies could be under the comment they reply to...
or am I doing something wrong?
And if it didn't ask me if I want to share EVERY comment I make - having to close that gets REALLY TIRESOME!
You want happiness? Try ignorance.