Jeremy Dean: "Making Habits, Breaking Habits: Why We Do Things, Why We Don't, and How to Make Any Change Stick"
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2013-01-02/jeremy-dean-making-habits-breaking-habits-why-we-do-things-why-we-dont-and-how-make
It's that time of year again when millions of Americans vow to create good habits and break bad ones. The psychologist behind PsyBlog explains why it is so difficult to modify our behavior -- and to stick with the change.
Guests
Jeremy Dean
psychologist and creator of PsyBlog.
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Read An Excerpt
Excerpt from "Making Habits, Breaking Habits: Why We Do Things, Why We Don't, and How to Make Any Change Stick" by Jeremy Dean. Copyright 2013 by Jeremy Dean. Reprinted here by permission of Da Capo Lifelong Books. All rights reserved.
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Can we break habitual, unwanted, intrusive thought patterns that don't produce physical behaviors but cause lots of mental anxiety?
I created a mantra in my road towards a meditation practice. It has really helped to focus or de-stress me. I just repeat it several times a day, even while driving.
Mine is:
May I be safe
May I be grateful
May I love myself and others
May I be at peace
@ meajon: I haven't seen any posts by "partisan politics" today, so maybe there's hope!
Sex Addiction
Have 2 questions.
1. I have had mental illness for 25 years. I believe I have had a sex addiction since this time. I looked up the symptoms but I believe this may really be a habit. It is a human instinct like a thirst. I think it may really be a choice. I want to stop, but the websites say you must use the 1st step of a 12 step program: accept that you have an addiction and then watch for triggers.
Do I have to do the first step to overcome this "addiction."
2. I have a poor habit of listening also related to my illness and OCD. I try very hard to be mindful but it is hugely difficult. Any thoughts?
Sex Addiction - second email
1. I would really value a discussion on this topic. I am married and I am afraid of destroying my marriage with my habit. This is my chief motivation of stopping this habit. I am self-conscous to go to group therapy and afraid of others knowing.
@jdoe, I am not sure if I have any suggestions. Just my own experience. I have been married to a very attractive outgoing woman with a great personality. However the romance more or less fell off a year or so into our marriage, I am 29 she is 32 we would have been married for 5 years in Feb. I am outgoing and feel sex is very important to me, it drives me. Over the summer we split up, and among a few other "issues" the last straw for me was when she told me that she didn't feel like having sex anymore, that she didn't know why. We hardly ever argued or fought. She also said she wanted to have some time apart. We "broke up" or separated, it had been over a month since we had had sex, and it was very disappointing, and weeks before that since the last time. I've never cheated on anyone before. But something snapped when she "broke up" with me and said me she didn't want sex anymore. I went out, found a girl and had sex. She found out, and we've been separated since. She's wanted to work things out since, but I don't think I can no matter how much I miss her and love her. Not being able to have sex is a deal breaker. I feel horrible about everything. But felt like I was a shell of who I really was when I was with her... And I would have waited for her if she had only given me some hope.
Jdoe,
I have deep sympathy for you. What a tough thing to grapple with. I am no expert, but I can speak from personal experience. My own father was diagnosed with a sex addiction that he has struggled with his whole life. He is such a good, kind, caring person who had so much potential, but his addictions have nearly ruined his life (and at the very least prevented him from reaching his potential). It has caused deep suffering to my mother and now has affected his children. This is because he has lost several jobs because his addiction has affected his work, causing my parents financial stress as well (and pushing my mother to the brink not only emotionally but physically as she has had to pick up the slack financially each time he becomes jobless). My younger sibling was affected detrimentally because he was moved around so much, and now struggles a bit with drugs and poor self esteem. As I look at him, I can see that his main problem, over and over, is denial. He has been in denial about how much what he has viewed at various times (though deeply embarrassed) as trivial, which has blinded him to the real and lasting damage that has come to all family members and himself as a result of his addiction. It is hard for me to talk to him about it, but if I could, I would say get help! If you're embarrassed, which is natural, maybe search for a private counsellor who I can assure you has probably dealt with this problem increasingly over the years. You are NOT alone. I don't know your personal circumstances, but I think calling it a habit rather than an addiction just furthers the denial. Some sex addictions are MORE potently addictive than alcohol and drugs (because its so private, accessible, leaves no trace, etc.). A test that has proved true in our lives: if it interferes with normal day-to-day functions, negatively impacts your relationships, then it is destructive and time to get help.
I bet you are a wonderful person. Good luck.
test
jdoe, I don't know where you live, but in Baltimore, we have the Hopkins Sexual Behaviors Consultation Clinic. Besides conducting evaluations, they can also refer for group and/ or individual therapy. The individual therapists we have encountered here have been quite good.
Group therapy has its pros and cons. Pros include the opportunity to acknowledge and "speak the truth" about oneself -- i.e., "own" one's behavior and its effects -- thus beginning the process of ending the secrecy. Knowing one is not alone can also be helpful in forgiving oneself and finding motivation and encouragement for change. And one can give encouragement and support to other members of the group.
Cons, however, include being exposed to sexual violations of a criminal nature, and/ or perhaps of even greater harm than that caused by oneself. The potential benefits both for the client and for the ones his/ her behavior affects are tremendous, however. If you can, I would encourage you to check out the service. Good luck!
http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/psychiatry/specialty_areas/sexual_behavio...