Henry Kellerman: "Personality: How It Forms"
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2012-10-18/henry-kellerman-personality-how-it-forms
We can recognize self-defeating personality habits and styles in others. We can also sometimes recognize them in ourselves. Psychologist Henry Kellerman says although our personalities are set early in life, we can change as adults, but only if we understand how behavior patterns are formed. Our individual personalities are, he says, directly related to how each of us learns to cope with anger -- anger that is almost always deeply repressed. Please join us for a conversation with psychologist Henry Kellerman on personality patterns and how anger drives us.
Guests
Henry Kellerman
psychologist and author.
Related Items
Read An Excerpt
Excerpt from "Personality: How It Forms" by Henry Kellerman. Copyright 2012 by Henry Kellerman. Reprinted here by permission of American Mental Health Foundation Books. All rights reserved.
Comments
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The skit writers for Saturday Night Live should listen to this interview for great new material!
Here's a guy who's written a treatise about how anger shapes our personalities and our psychological, emotional, and interpersonal pathologies.
Yet this guy is easily the most self-important, condescending, and rude guest I have ever heard on the radio. (Well, maybe a certain now-deceased Middle Eastern dictator had him beat, but it's a close call). I was just thinking, "yeah, I bet this guy knows a WHOLE lot about borderline personalities, when, to my astonishment, as if right on borderline personality cue, the guy's cellphone went off. And then, a few minutes later, it went off again!
My first thought was, "Fella, did your mama raise you in a barn? Does "The Golden Rule" ring a bell? Do you even know what manners ARE? "
If I were the host, it would have been all I could do to restrain my hand from grabbing it and tossing it out the door.
So, surely I have unresolved anger issues...but, alas, not likely to spend $100K on years of psychoanalysis.
Or even $29.95 on a book.
I am also skeptical of a theory that seems pretty complicated and lacks solid evidence-based support. Practical concern: How exactly does one raise a child to be a functioning adult without telling her/him no? I am not actually a parent, so maybe I am unnecessarily concerned about this. I am also going to second the comments that Diane's "anger" with the gentleman for failing to silence his phone twice was reasonable. You should really know to turn your phone to silent when you're about to be interviewed on a nationally-syndicated radio show, or at least after it rings the first time on air . . .
Very interesting interview, espeically listening to this just after reading Eckbart Tolle's "The Power of Now." This was kind of like hearing the psychological version of Tolle's purely spiritual book. I thought it was interesting!
This was a lovely interview to listen too while driving today. It compelled me to remember Henry Kellerman's name and to order the book, so I can analyze why I am the personality I am
anger isn't something you let out, like the dog. It's a vital energy to be allowed responsibly for and by one's self. I don't care if you do this by screaming in a pillow or in a padded cell, the rewards are huge: for physical health, and for learning more about yourself than any shrink appointment could ever equal.
I couldn't really appreciate your guest, but I very much enjoyed your reaction to his cell phone. IMPECCABLY handled as always!
If I could have coffee with any celebrity, it would be you.
This psychoanalyst is not sufficiently educated about empirically-based areas of clinical psychology, or about child clinical psychology. With regard to borderline personality disorder, there are empirically supported talking therapies such as dialectical behavior therapy that can treat this disorder. And as for anger itself, it is a basic emotion, which like all emotions, can have adaptive functions. In animals (including humans) anger is a signal that something threatening or unacceptable (e.g. unfair) is happening, and it can be a strong and adaptive motivator to either fight off an aggressor or, for humans, to verbally assert one's needs. The key to coping with anger adaptively is noticing it, realizing it is a signal that something is wrong, modulating it (calming down), reflecting on it (e.g. "am I really just angry about this one thing, or are other factors coming into it?" "is there another way to look at it so I don't feel so wronged?"), deciding on a plan (e.g. "is this something I should act on or let go of?"), and then enacting the plan. In a conflict between two people's wishes, the adaptive way to handle anger is to use it as a signal to negotiate with the other person in an assertive but respectful way for what one needs. When parents notice their child getting angry they can (and often do) coach the child to cope adaptively, e.g. helping the child modulate the feeling ( "take a deep breath," "use your words" "tell me what's going on"), reflecting back what the child says and stating the problem (e.g. "you really don't want to ___, but I think it's time to ___, what could we do about this?") and modeling negotiation, compromise, and conflict resolution ("how about if you play for 5 more minutes and then we do ___?"). It's unhelpful to see every clash of wills as a power struggle--people disagree all the time, it's normal, and what kids need to learn is how to negotiate these clashes without violence.
I have listened to this program and I have read the transcript and the comments. There are some important nuggets in what Kellerman has to say. I was struck by the simplicity of his statement that the goal of the Passive-Aggressives is to make the person angry. That says so much. But more significantly, I am interested in what he had to say about repressed anger and the pathologies that can develop from it.
When I tie this together with Peter Levine's concept from Waking the Tiger which claims that people react differently to trauma - flight, freeze or fight and those who fight suffer fewer long term effects. Those who fight are empowered rather than disempowered.
I suspect that concept applied to being told "No" can say a lot about the long term effects. What we resist, what we repress has an inordinate destructive power in our lives. The good news is that this can be released and reversed.
In short, it is not the events that mark us but our reaction to them.
Thank you Diane as always for bringing such fascinating ideas to light for your audience.
To those who run this comment section. I encourage you to find a way to have "replies" appear below the comment to which they respond. It would create a sense of dialogue and make more sense for the reader. I think it would also draw more listeners to participate in the comment section.
I'm probably too late to the game to have this comment read by many people. So I'll just telegraph a little background before giving my reason for posting.
I found Dr. Kellerman condescending and seemingly unprepared to clearly present an explanation of his book. He underestimated his audience by starting with boiling down psychotherapy to "one word" - remembering - and asking Diane "Do you think we can all remember the same thing" and "What is the most important word in any language?" Despite that, Diane kept trying to help him get to the gist of his book as described in the introduction, but in my opinion, he rarely got there.
That said, I want to point out an error in earlier comments and in the transcript. Two commenters mentioned as rude his statement to Diane "show me a little respect."
I didn't recall hearing that and thought I had just missed that exchange. Curious what could have provoked that, I searched the transcript. At 11:16:33, it lists him as saying "Okay, give me some...give me some...what about respect?" in response to Diane asking him "Tell me how you perceive your own personality development."
If you listen closely to the audio file (at 10:05), what he actually said was "...give me some...in what respect?" He was just floundering a little and asking for a less broad question, as supported by his next phrase "What do you mean by that?"
So while I was no fan of his performance, I don't want him getting misquoted or criticized for something he didn't say. Perhaps the transcript could be edited?
I found it interesting that much of what Kellerman is suggesting with respects anger management is a tool in current negotiation and sales techniques. While the parents who commented previous do allude to his missing the mark with parenting reality, I suspect there are plenty of opportunities to work with your child's anger when "danger" is not the issue. I am looking forward to reading his book as I want to find ways to improve my child's communication over my own when dealing with anger. Thank you Diane for bringing on this guest.
I am a regular listener of this show. Some people (all kinds of people!) struggle with technology. If it is so important that cell phones not ring while the show is on the air, then she should establish a policy that cell phones not be allowed in the studio. Her reaction was most unprofessional. I was so uncomfortable with her reaction to the cell phone ringing that I turned off the show. I hope Ms. Rehm peruses these comments and perhaps an apology to her guest and her listeners will be forthcoming.
I have never heard her show before. I found this one both enlightening and unbelievably bizarre. First, I ordered his book. I found his hypotheses to be interesting and wanted to learn more. The cell phone incident was the most bizarre I have ever heard or seen in public media. He was clearly at fault, not once but twice for not turning off his cell, but he also should be convicted for having such an annoying ring tone. Her response, though was inappropriate, patronizing and impolite at best. She took an issue which should have been solved by a "shut it off" hand gesture and instead created bizarre radio and insulted her guest. Brilliant. I'll listen again, but I don't think I'll ever hear another moment like this!
I have never heard her show before. I found this one both enlightening and unbelievably bizarre. First, I ordered his book. I found his hypotheses to be interesting and wanted to learn more. The cell phone incident was the most bizarre I have ever heard or seen in public media. He was clearly at fault, not once but twice for not turning off his cell, but he also should be convicted for having such an annoying ring tone. Her response, though was inappropriate, patronizing and impolite at best. She took an issue which should have been solved by a "shut it off" hand gesture and instead created bizarre radio and insulted her guest. Brilliant. I'll listen again, but I don't think I'll ever hear another moment like this!
Diane Rehm is one of my heroes, as I've gained something from each show and have found her to be the most gracious of hosts. However, this particular program was unfortunate, but she soldiered onward with this poor choice of an interviewee. Henry Kellerman seems settled into some simplistic notions and is a bit too pleased with himself for having come upon them. With the hundreds of fantastically informative programs Ms Rehm has brought to us, one that has not been nearly as useful as all the others is a minor chink in a sterling record. I would love to hear an interview with Pema Chrodron on the subject of anger.
Context, context, context. I listened to this twice and edited some of my initial remarks. I was perplexed about what I was hearing during their exchange at times. Dianne with the I can't believe the phone is going off again, PhD Kellerman sounded terse when asking her if his answer about his son's death surprised her.
My initial thought was: shes' annoyed & he's got an edge. But maybe I'm misunderstanding the context - it is radio, she has dysphonia, maybe she only sounds mad. I'll try to listen to their conversation through that filter.
I appreciated that someone earlier pointed our that the guest's use of 'respect' was likely intended to ask: in what respect? I listened to the interview a 3rd time and read the transcript and I got something new out of it each time. The conversational glitches were really minor in retrospect.
PhD Kellerman has interesting and compelling things to say about personality development and anger. So I'm changing my tune: I'd like to read more, I'll buy the book.
Ditto this. This guest talked to Diane like she was a very slow first grader! And when she asked him how these theories play out in his own life, he said, "Show me some respect." Huh?
And he couldn't turn off his cell phone? A doctor? Here, I'LL turn it off for you.
Let's don't invite him back, okay?
As always, Diane was completely gracious and perfectly lovely. She is The Best!
I love Diane Rehm but i couldnt listen to this interview. she should have thrown him out of the studio after his phone went off a second time.
If I wanted to listen to con artists tell me how to live my life I would go back to church.
Although unable to listen to the entire program I enjoyed most of the interview and found the topic very interesting. I was disappointed with Dr. Kellerman with regard to his cell phone. I think Diane showed amazing restraint and tact in dealing with the guest's phone interruptions ... especially when it happened a second time. Since Kellerman is an only child perhaps he forgot his own observations regarding only children and thought cell calls to him would be more important than respecting his host and the audience.