Henry Kellerman: "Personality: How It Forms"
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2012-10-18/henry-kellerman-personality-how-it-forms
We can recognize self-defeating personality habits and styles in others. We can also sometimes recognize them in ourselves. Psychologist Henry Kellerman says although our personalities are set early in life, we can change as adults, but only if we understand how behavior patterns are formed. Our individual personalities are, he says, directly related to how each of us learns to cope with anger -- anger that is almost always deeply repressed. Please join us for a conversation with psychologist Henry Kellerman on personality patterns and how anger drives us.
Guests
Henry Kellerman
psychologist and author.
Related Items
Read An Excerpt
Excerpt from "Personality: How It Forms" by Henry Kellerman. Copyright 2012 by Henry Kellerman. Reprinted here by permission of American Mental Health Foundation Books. All rights reserved.
Comments
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I've often been mistrusting of psycho-analyses, lots of respectable opinions suggest that it's a weakly supported field. But, i'm willing to try, and I was wondering if the guest could provide some examples of study groups, statistics, anything, to show this re-occurring pathological trend in all children to develop and remember anger. By simply saying 'we all resist no with anger' does not prove that it is so. What if we hypothetically, raised a child without ever saying no?
I grew up with a few people who believed in 'letting anger out rather than let it fester', but as I grew I noticed that it also seemed to be a lot of fun for them, and so encouraged itself.
As for a motivating force, I distrust anger because it tends to turn off the higher functions, so one might (for example) be angry because of the depredations of the powerful but end up angry at the powerless.
This interview shows exactly why Diane Rehm is a consummate professional. She's managed to take a confusing and unprepared guest and guide him with ease and poise into educating the audience.
As always, Ms. Rehm, you're fantastic!
Just an observation
When learning the alphabet
A B C ... LM N O P... "N O" may be the first word learned to spell.
Diane. I am sorry that your interview did not go as smoothly as one would have liked. Wow, you really handle Dr. Kellerman's cell phone going off and his mis-taking what your questions amazingly well. Oy vey.
I think Ms. Rehm over reacted to the guests ringing phone...it seems to me it was accidental and he was embarrassed by it!
This man has anger issues, appears to exhibit paranoia, and is also rude.
I cannot recall ever being so off-put by a guest on the show. A man this educated should also be able to turn his cell phone off.
Best line so far in the show is that "problem solving in a marriage is a bad thing" unbelievable....
Long time listener, first time appalled listener.
When my oldest daughter was 2, I tried to say 'yes' first adding 'but' Yes you may have a cookie, but after you eat lunch.
This did not work with my younger daughter who would focus only on the 'yes' and have a temper tantrum, because I wasn't following through on the 'yes' when she wanted.
I couldn't help but be reminded of Lucifer's 'Non serviam' in "Paradise Lost". This inability to submit to arbitrary authority is an estimable trait.
I don't think she over reacted at all. If his phone had only rang once, that would be one thing, but it continued to ring and disrupt the program several times. I also think he has been a bit rude in general. Diane has done as well as can be expected.
What early life events does Dr. Kellerman believe cause the homosexual personality to form?
The doctor (Henry Kellerman) just explained his way of dealing with the death of his son. Obviously, this is a very sensitive topic, but I thought it was interesting the way he described his prognosis for the anger. And that solution was denial and reality altering psycho-technique. Not that these are the wrong solutions, but I wonder if the doctor supports the 're-telling' of reality for the prognosis of psychological hurt. Often we tell the story of our lives different than the way the rest of the world knows or considers true
I agree that anger can contribute to many emotional and physical problems but what about when the person is aware of the anger, and who it is directed at, and it still is not resolved?
Yes, Diane is great - but not even she could keep me tuned in on this guest. Someone at NPR should have said "No," to "Dr. No."
I think it is important for listeners to know that psychoanalysis is a very SMALL fraction of psychology as a whole and there are professionals who are better equiped to answer questions about childhood development and emotional processing - such as neuropsychologists and developmental psychologists. There is no scientific research that supports his theory of anger underlying personality development and listeners need to take caution when listening to this information, because it is all theory driven and not supported by research. Now, I am not saying that psychoanalysis is not helpful for some individuals and there are many psychoanalysts who are good at therapy, but the the theories of Freud are simply not supported by the scientific community. This book is yet another example of sensationalizing psychology - and I URGE Diane Rehm and her consultants to seek out other perspectives in the future. This interview made me angry - not because I was told NO as a child, but rather because the voice of science was not heard or even attended to.
^^ tscherdell, I'd just like to thank you for pointing that out for everyone.
As I talk with family and friends about their and my struggles, I can say, I love this guy! He is now on my reading list and I read several books per week! Thanks to Diane for locating a variety of interesting wise people.
Dr. Kellerman, you are incredible man and I respect your understanding on your son who is currently not there. My eldest daughter rejected me but other of our family and I still miss her; I have had to deal with this "no from her!"
I will look for your spoken thoughts today, maybe on the show's website. Also my mom's best friend is missing her adult daughter, just missing, still in the community. Thanks for knowing we can survive this "epidemic" of loss in a time of social networking. Bless you in every sense for your extensive body of work.
WCPE, 90.3 Cleveland listener.
I am stunned to hear that everything is some diagnosable malady. What about legitimate anger against some real injustice and the system's or society's failure to address actual injustice?
We are afraid to express anger, even justifiable anger is the face of injustice or clear wrong, for fear of being labeled "borderline personality disorder" which the good doctor indicated was often unresponsive to treatment without medication. Does he advocate medical marijuana? Or does he advocate pharmaceutical intervention with full knowledge of the problems with the FDA, pharma industry, recalls, inadequate or "faulty" testing and/or reporting?
We are afraid to express ANY emotion anymore for fear of "labeling". Joni Mitchell made a song about that, right?
Growing up my mother's answer to everything was "NO!", without any rhyme or reason as to why. You can't imagine the degree of frustration my sister and I felt. We always assumed there was something about us that she hated and didn't want us to succeed and be happy.
It wasn't until I was an adult and an incident finally explained what was going on: I offered to bake for my mother's
church bake sale. After ten minutes of baking, the lemon bars started to burn. The blast of heat from the oven proved that it was much hotter than the 350 on the dial. My mother sneeringly said that she never had any problems baking, insinuating that I was a failure, not that the oven was too hot. I remembered that I had an oven thermometer among my things and proceeded to prove that though the oven was set to 350, the actual temperature was 425!. My mother's reaction? "There's nothing wrong with my oven." But the evidence proved otherwise. She wouldn't budge.
Finally, I realized it wasn't me or my sister but that my mother had a fundamental distrust of the world, and her way of protecting herself was to become negative to everything.
I can't wait to read some more.
To destinationroom: perhaps his next line was important (taken in context) if I recall correctly, he was saying the idea of active and reflective listening and repeating what the person/spouse/child says so they KNOW you hear them is as important OR more important as "problem solving the marriage". It's all in the context, but I understand your concern, I was also cooking soup and thinking about the show relative to my own problems!! Peace.
Lizz, I am sure his books are well written. However, I am highly suspicious of any of his research when he states things such as "reflecting" a child's anger is the best approach. Neuropsychology and health psychology have research indicating that development of adaptive coping strategies (information gathering, listening, activity) for dealing with negative emotions is beneficial. If that is what he was getting at, it was not apparent.... what you added about active listening is a great point. The author did not say that and he did not use those words because his idea of what is underlying a child's outburst/bad behavior is based on unconcious conflicts and aggressive drives. Thus, although some of his points are helpful, they are not as helpful or meaningful because the basis of his conceptualization cannot be proven (unconcious desires and aggression? what are those and where are they located in the brain?). Diane should have had other panelists address this topic as well to give a fair perspective of the issue.
I thought this was an interesting interview--both the content as well as the frustration on Diane's part admittedly to be in control of her show and what many perceived was rudeness of the doctor."Show me a little respect" --- was very inelegantly phrased when asking for clarification.
I think like most things some of this theory is true but we also have to look at biology and genes which create so much of our personality. Anyone with more than one child can see the stark contrasts. Freud is still alive (and getting bashed) but there are other theories that complement his ideas.
I am surprised at Ms Rehm losing her cool with the guest's cell phone. It was very telling. I am thinking that she is benefiting from reading the guest's book.
I might tell this writer that cell phones frequently malfunction and one of the most common problems they manifest is the inability to change modes and or turn off. Ms Rehm needed to taken a deep breath that second time and not have commented that is the hallmark of a broad cast professional.
These comments are so interesting. I didn't see Dr Kellerman as rude at all, and I though Ms Rehm seemed kind of touchy about the subject right from the start. And I thought she was a bit harsh with her guest regarding the cell phone snafu. Perhaps they should just take those from the guests at the start of an interview, which would head off any problems (and reduce her anger...)
Found the show uncomfortable to listen to, so I finally turned it off. Way too much ego emanating from both of them. The guest came across as hiding a lot of insecurity under his aggressive rudeness. Maybe he was nervous, I don't know. Diane needed to chill about the phone. I was embarrassed to hear the depth of anger in her voice over something that was an accident. How hard would it have been to laugh it off with a small joke? But she was livid....
I feel Dr. Kellerman's assumptions about anger are insulated from a modern sense of evolution of the amazingly complicated personal realm. He seems to limit life to a toxic power struggle. I think there IS a primal, mistaken power struggle; that once upon a time, a mythic reality did happen, in which consciousness got in stuck a power struggle. This is indeed reflected on the world stage.
We have the science of evolution. Lets extend it to the human condition.
Dr. Kellerman does offer that a parent listen to a child's feelings; but he does not offer the child's capacity to receive a parent's feelings. He offers no fundamental principal of relationship. Real feelings have nothing to do with punishment, manipulation. I feel Kellerman infantalizes both child and parent, as though feelings have nothing to teach us, but should only be tolerated with an irritated parent-as- victim, or child-as-victim stalemate.
Instead of opening the flow to really hear honest expression, or give honest, respectful- of- the- child, and self respectful response: Dr. Kellerman's undercurrent of self pity and blame, especially on Mommy, only results in imprisonment of the very anger he purports to liberate. This is because anger in a clear state, has no desire to remain stuck for a lifetime in judgement, guilt, blame, and self pity.
Anger as life force is not separate from fear, grief, or joy. Denial and misuse of feelings are why I feel uncomfortable around those who claim to have solved the "feeling problem". Determined lack of feeling is ultimately psychopathic.
About parenting: often parents do not allow children to do what they should allow, i.e. play in the dirt, express sadness, or be very lively. And, parents often do allow children to do what they should not allow: override and manipulate others: siblings; or even the parents' need to love each other.
Loulou, yes, my jaw dropped when I heard him say "show me a little respect!" Unbelievable....
right on, Flatlander