The Ongoing Struggle To Balance Career And Family
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2012-06-25/ongoing-struggle-balance-career-and-family
Working mothers have long struggled to balance career and family. Diane and her guests look at defining success and happiness, and whether it's gotten easier to have it all.
Guests
Judith Warner
author of "Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety" and "We've Got Issues: Children and Parents in the Age of Medication" and a columnist for Time.com
Ellen Galinsky
president of the Families and Work Institute
Linda Perlman Gordon
Psychotherapist in private practice in Chevy Chase, co-author of Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the New Intimacy of today's New Mother-Daughter Relationship," "Mom Can I Move Back in With You?" and a couple of parent's survival guides to connecting with your teen.
Wendy Chun-Hoon
Family Values @ Work's D.C. Director
Comments
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When is this country going to address the problem of out of wedlock births and the moral decay that it has brought about?
It's a certainty if anyone but Obama brought it up right now or ever that they would be politically destroyed by the left. As far as I can tell we are to accept white men are victimizing everyone everywhere and if we don't accept that we are racist bigots.
The political left and the democrat party in particular have paralyzed any sensible discussion or debate on social and fiscal issues this country faces. It's ironic that the left likes to call itself "progressive" when all they have accomplished is total stagnation on problem solving. No politician dare say anything to upset the status quo or upset the extremely thin skinned "special interest groups" which seem to be everyone except white guys, only the evil white man is fair game for criticism and there are no limits on name calling for that group.
Don't jump the gun monte....
Come November your preferred party is gonna win.... then you can have your way.
Start gathering the books you want to burn.
Write down the names of everyone you want to throw in prison and subject to the gulags. You will be in triumph and can have your way.
It's coming....you will just have to be patient.
"Reaganomics" began the destruction of the middle class. The right brags about the "Reagan Revolution" at every opportunity. But what did those new policies eventually give American families? Households where dad once was able to be the lone breadwinner,because of good paying union jobs,and a country with a social and moral conscience.To today,where households need 1.7 workers just to maintain the standard of living we once enjoyed.More moms are working than ever before.Kids come home to an empty house.There were 5 billionaires in 1983,now Forbes recently announced the top 500. That money came from American households.If you want to destroy the family unit,destroy it`s income.
THE FAMILY UNIT,AKA THE MIDDLE CLASS IS UNDER ATTACK BY THE 1%`S.
How should we advise our daughters?
We push them to achieve and excel in school; kids of middle/upper middle class families have incredible pressures to do well - for what end?
To end up w law degrees etc and find that they will always be under stress and face the guilt of parenting vs career?
As a child I remember the family vacations. Everything closed the first 2 weeks of August in those days. From the courts to the auto plants, America`s #1 employer. Everything. Families got a chance to reacquaint themselves. Today the United States ranks 184th in paid employee days off,tied for last place with a 3rd world country I cannot recall. PITIFUL! The United States is the only modern world country without some kind of paid sick days for employees. NOTHING ! Instead we have a work force too terrified to take the time they have earned. SHAMEFUL!
CONCEPT IS A HUGE DISSERVICE TO WOMEN.
Everyone has the priviledge of choice . . . a few choices.
Almost no one can have all of the choices.
Anyone is free to choose what is most important to them . . . Children, pets, travel, career, etc.
Society shouldn't feel guiltly becuase a group of individuals, women or otherwise cant have it all.
My 84 year old blue collar mother went back to work in the factories during the six weeks after she had each one of her children because she had to. I made the tough economic decision to stay home with all three children because I was convinced my mother had missed so much of her childrens lives. I cut huge economic corners to do this and worked part time. And I did not have a cozy set up. My ex is an addict and was not a good provider in any way. I struggled and have never used the government in any way shape or form to take care of my children when they were young. I wanted to know my children when they were young.
My oldest and her husband both teachers just had their first child. They are struggling with this decision. My daughter wants to stay home but they cannot afford it. They have two college educated friends who made the decision for the mother to stay home with their two children. He works part time and the children qualify for government paid health coverage. Terrible that people have to make decisions to go or not go back to work because of health coverage
What would be wrong with a system as it is in France etc where the home staying parents (usually the mother) gets one year home stay pay? What is wrong or right about this picture
USA is the only civilized country that doesn't have a paid maternity leave in the enviable company with Papua New Guinea, Swaziland and Lesotho. When will we truly value family by providing young families with young children with the right start - paid parental leave? This will benefit everyone, including businesses' bottom lines, as research has already shown.
My family needs two incomes and I have the most supportive husband, but my heart breaks every time I take my 5-month old daughter to daycare with a cold that doesn't seem to go away ever since she started going there at 3 month. I feel lucky to have been able to save up for a 3 month unpaid leave. I truly can't imagine taking a child to daycare at 6 weeks - it is cruel and unusual punishment in my book.
Unless one is quite wealthy, one can never have it all. We need to define our own personal "all"s for women and men.
Thank you so much for taking this on. I have a 2 year old and am pregnant again and my partner and I make just enough to get by. Before the birth of my son, I FULLY intended to continue working full time until he was at least in middle school. The minute I saw his face, however, I could not imagine not being with him every minute. Now I am trying to figure out a way to work part time for just two years so I can play some role in my children's formative years. I would basically have to rely on my parents to support me during this time. It is causing massive stress on my relationship to even consider this idea but I cannot live with the fact that a babysitter is raising my children. I blame myself for not choosing a higher paid career and not managing my money better earlier in life. But, at the same time, I am filled with increasing outrage to live in a country that so de-values the task of raising the next generation that they can't even pay for 12 weeks of maternity leave. What is the answer for someone like me? Have I given up the right to be my kids' primary care giver because I didn't choose a six-figure career? Money was never very important to me until now.
I love this segment but again fathers are overlooked. I am a single father who goes through the exact same thing and struggle everyday with balancing work life and personal life. I have shared physical custody of my amazing two year old daughter and work just as hard both in and out of the house. Mothers do a great deal everyday but times are changing and there are fathers out here too. I hear about SUPERmoms but I have a new title Mr. Incredible. Both are super hereos in a child's eyes and no matter what end of the spectrum I make the same sacrifices to ensure I am there for my daughter no matter what........sports, illness, family functions, birthdays, holidays etc. I do have flexibility at the office and understand that not everyone has the same option but even if I didnt I would still be there. Corporate america needs to adjust with the times and grant more sick/vacation time as well as paternal/maternal leave.
Oh, I am so tired, but I feel lucky. I have a seven year old and a nine month old and I am the sole breadwinner in the family. Yet, I feel lucky. Scholarships and good career choices have put me in a place where I can govern my own time, for the most part. But to get there, I didn't have my kids until I was in my late 30s and early 40s. And through my 30s, I did the slog through huge work committments to get me to the point I am at today. And I still struggle to spend more time at work to keep employed and to be with my kids.
I wish I knew at 25 what I wish I know now at 45. I am lucky to have my second child late. Most women can't do what I did. They can't count on having kids after they get autonomy over there career. If they have kids early, they may never get established in a career.
I still feel like I am the conductor that keeps the trains running, but I do have a husband who is committed to doing as much as he can. Without all these fortunes, I wouldn't have my joyous kids.
A limited Paid family leave would generally make for healthier children and a healthier America. Which party has supported this idea more than the other. Why is it that so many alleged pro lifers vote against paid family leaves? What is pro life about that?
What I took away from the article was that we can't "have it all" in the corporate model - it's just not realistic to think that both parents can work 60+ hours a week on someone else's lockstep schedule. There has to be flexibility - whether that's bought with one partner staying home with the kids (the choice my brother-in-law made) or one partner taking more risk and starting his/her own business so there is time flexibility - which is the choice we made. Yes, my husband still works 12+ hours a day and travels 2-4 days a week. Yes, I still work 12-16 hours a day - but its not 7-6 like I did before kids, and I'm not locked to a specific place. That ability to work anytime, anywhere is what keeps us sane.
Marshmellow mom. Thanks for sharing. I think on average couples are having their children later these days. As the main breadwinner how did home chores work out? Stats often report that working women are still doing the bulk of the work at home? How did that work out between you and your partner?
As older women would often say to me when I would be almost ripping my hair out in a grocery line with three young children decades ago "savor this" savor this. Good for you for counting your blessings
Hope they talk a bit more about countries that provide a paid family leave so that one of the parents can stay at home at least for the first year...if they so choose
I think its interesting that the assumption in this discussion, so far, is that all women are sympathetic to other women trying to balance work and family. I worked for an institution led by a woman that chose to devote herself to her work and forgo having a family that would keep her from her life ambition. I sensed her version of feminism made her believe that giving in to traditional women's roles of wife and mother was a bit of a betrayal of all her generation had fought to gain for women in the workplace. If I wanted to "have it all" then it was up to me to make it work... my job still needed to come first. In many ways, it was much harder to find a balance working for her than for male bosses who had children and wives that worked hard to find that balance in their lives.
Challenging enough to raise a kid in a two-parent home, thanks for many useful thoughts and ideas today. Many ideas are even more important for the huge number of 1 parent, usually mom-only homes raising kids. I've heard that more women in the decision-making rooms, e.g. the Senate, the House, the Supreme Court, changes the discussion and the decisions. What else do your guests suggest to improve the lives of women?
I love how one of the women talked about mothers who earn more than their spouse/partner and how that can be difficult. It may not be the norm, like the stay at home father's, but should be addressed.
I've been the main wage earner for 10 years for my family, last year my husband got a full time job (after being a work from home dad) and it has been a big adjustment. My company is now facing financial difficulties and while we are extremely lucky that he now had a full time job the idea that I may lose my job is scary.
Most families in our circle of friends have a stay at home mother. This is an option for them because of their spouse's income but we would be a lot more on the edge with just my husband working. So for those moms and dads who manage to have a job/skill/business that they can run for their home, my hat is off to you. Do you have any advice for those of us who might have to make that change (out of need or desire)?
The reason that women cannot have it all is that men are still not doing their share. I am a retired physician with a good husband, but that is the reality. The best advice that I can give my daughter is to marry an egalitarian husband that is invested in childrearing. The best contribution that I've made is to raise a son that will be that man.
As a working mother of 2 with a husband who is absent during the work week, I find it incredibly difficult to balance the things that are important to me: an environment where my children are safe, offering them an opportunity for a good public education that I have time to push the teachers to challenge my children with my support, preparation of healthy meals, physical activity for all of us, and a healthy relaxed mind where I'm not thinking about work because it continues to pursue me at home (thanks to the wonders of technology). I would like to know that fewer working women are using anti-anxiety medication but I only hear an increase from my working mother friends. It is distressing that this is the world that we are showing our children.
I am 60. When my daughter (now 30) was little, I was at various times the primary earner in a two-parent family and the single mom trying to do it all. I managed to be at home for my daughter by pursuing a wide variety of home earning opportunities, including successfully running for local elective office, doing technical writing for often-distant clients, designing websites for local businesses, and screen-printing temporary tattoos in my garage (selling them on the Internet).
There were years that my adjusted gross income was less than $10,000 despite my Master's degree, but I am glad that I found a way to be home with my child.
As a working mother of 2 with a husband who is absent during the work week, I find it incredibly difficult to balance the things that are important to me: an environment where my children are safe, offering them an opportunity for a good public education that I have time to push the teachers to challenge my children with my support, preparation of healthy meals, physical activity for all of us, and a healthy relaxed mind where I'm not thinking about work because it continues to pursue me at home (thanks to the wonders of technology). I would like to know that fewer working women are using anti-anxiety medication but I only hear an increase from my working mother friends. It is distressing that this is the world that we are showing our children.
One area that has been missed in this discussion is the inability of individuals to move in and out of the workplace and be taken seriously. I am 49 mother of two teenagers. I am a veteran, been an executive director of a national organization, I have a masters degree and two pages of volunteer experience on my resume. However, because I am an Army spouse and have moved around and moved in and out of the paid work force based family circumstances. In the eight teen years of my oldest life, I have spent half of it as a single-parent. Since moving back to the states in 2009, I have looked for a job to no real avail. I have heard hiring authority both men and women say that you can't get on a leadership path if you are not a new, young MBA. This hurts women in particular and is very frustrating. The ironic thing is that women/parents who have raised their children, who are in stable relationships aren't staying out late, don't have to take off last minute to take care of kids. This is really short-sighted.
There was another article in the Atlantic a few months ago that discussed the Midlife Crisis at 30 issue, in which women who are children of baby boomers, like me, feel like they have to reach the pinnacle of their careers by 30. We feel like we have to finish all graduate school and achieve in our careers before we start to plan for families.
I think this is precisely because our Baby Boomer mothers shared with us how they had to sacrifice career or family in their lives. My mother became a professor at a time when few women became professors. She married later in life. She never went up for tenure or published significantly, because she chose to have more time with us. I know she is happy with these choices, but she had to make them nonetheless.
Replying to above, until my husband left his federal government job to be a full time student last year, he did a bulk of the chores (I made a point of not doing most of the chores, like laundry and dishes, although I still did a fair share). While he was in school, and I had a gracious 12 weeks of maternity leave in my new job, I did most. Now, he's done with school, and I am trying to get him doing the organizational stuff - doctor, school, camp, playdates, etc., and I am trying to let go of it when it doesn't work well. I am trying to catch up in my job for the last 9 months of being a single parent.
I think that in the current culture, it is impossible to have it al, as Anne Marie Slaughter says. I have more than some because of workplace flexibility and a flexible spouse. I can't be there for everything, but I try to be there for most things my children need.
An important lesson I learned from my first child - I don't have to be there for everything in my second's early years to have my child love me.
This discussion is PERFECT for what my husband and I are going through right now. Thank you for addressing this issue!
Can your guests comment on the role that higher education might play in preparing men and women for jobs that would be more conducive to raising children? That is, some kind of college course required for all students that discusses work-life balance and doesn't just focus on what career students want to have. Thinking only about a career can turn out to be a real mistake if students also want to have a family and don't understand what their career choices mean.
When I was in college, I had no real understanding of what life would be like for me as a mother. I was brought up to believe that I could "have it all," but the truth is that I cannot. I wish I had studied something else so that I could balance my role as mother and employee.
From personal experience, it is very difficult to explain to anyone what life will be like once you have children. I think it would be a HUGE improvement if we could at least keep this issue as a topic of discussion as people go through their education.
If we can't talk about it openly we can find solutions. I believe a better, more productive society is possible if we look beyond the narrowly-focused corporate mindset.
I think the US lags the rest of the industrialized world in our approach to women at work and to addressing the family in relationship to the workplace has very much to do with our very ingrained culture that worships the INDIVIDUAL. We are not a very communal society and have much to learn. I do think there is a strong movement to change this and I ajm very hopeful. Thanks.
After being a stay-at-home mom for a year, I started working as a consultant from home when my kids (pre-elementary school) were young and I was going through a divorce. I thought it would be something I did for a few years but quickly realized the flexibility was so valuable. I am still consulting after 6 years. The trade off is that I don't recieve the a full benefits package - no employer sponsored health or retirement plan. I know I am not earning as much as I would as in a full-time regular position, but I am avoiding the stress and anxiety. I am able to be at home with my children when they are sick, I can help them with their homework, I know who their friends are, I avoid rush hour traffic.
I am an attorney and new mom (sort of, baby is 8 months already!). I worked in a huge, international law firm for five years before I got pregnant, doing horrendous hours and, even then, it wasn't considered "enough" by the firm. I got criticized in an annual review after billing 2500+ hours in a year for not being committed enough. That's when I realized I would never "have it all" in that environment, with those expectations.
I recently switched to a boutique firm, where I have the most amazing deal. I'm on a reduced-hours schedule, with the option (but not the expectation) to work more hours and get paid for it. The firm considers these types of arrangements a "win-win" because it gets top-caliber lawyers for cheaper, and thus can provide top-notch legal work to clients for less than the big firms. The reduced-hours attorneys get interesting, challenging work, credit from the bosses and clients for doing it, plus more time with their families. It's brilliant.
It is a pay cut, but it really couldn't be any other way, and is still good enough money. Most of the women who do this have bread-winner husbands, which makes it easier to take the pay cut. I don't have that luxury (my husband works in the helping profession, where they expect people to give so much of themselves for not much money). But, it was worth it for us to take the economic hit so that I could be the type of mother I want to be to our daughter.
Seems like more companies should/could figure out this win-win arrangement. My firm is basically the only one in the city that offers this.