Efforts to Deal With Bullying
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2012-03-15/efforts-deal-bullying
Thirteen million kids in the US will be bullied this year. This according to the new documentary “Bully.” It’s one of two films drawing attention to the issue. The other film, “Speak Up!” was screened yesterday before a DC middle school with Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius on hand. Psychologists say bullying can lead to a cycle of violence and suicide. Some in the medical field say it has become a public health issue. The director of “Bully” and one of the teenagers featured in the film join the panel of experts to discuss new efforts to deal with bullying.
Guests
Kelby Johnson
a gay teenager from Oklahoma whose story is featured in the documentary "Bully."
Lee Hirsch
Sundance- and Emmy-award winning filmmaker, directed the documentary "Bully."
Dr. Joseph Wright
pediatrician, senior vice president, Child Health Advocacy Institute at Children's National Medical Center.
Duane Thomas
practicing therapist in Baltimore, Maryland, assistant professor, Applied Psychology and Human Development Division of the Graduate School of Education at the University of Pennsylvania, and a consultant to the documentary "Speak Up!"
Related Video
"Bully" Trailer:
Comments
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The bullying cycle can be curbed if parents and educators adjust their perspective about the issue. In most cases the "target" or the child being bullied becomes the center of attention and sympathy while the bully is chastised or punished. The bully is hardly if ever looked at as the victim. Their behavior is learned behavior and can only be effectively addressed by going to the root of the problem. Bullies aren't born, they're made.
In no way do I want to make light of what the "target" has experienced. I do believe that they require and should get all of the attention necessary to help them work through the pain and the stress that they are experiencing. I feel that both the bully and the target need this kind of attention. In two cases that I can personally speak for, that approach has made all the difference.
I have made a short film entitled "The Turtle & The Nightingale" geared toward middle school children that is currently playing on HBO. It addresses many of the concerns associated with the issue but, within a middle school context. I believe that "Bully" needs to be seen by parents and educators - especially - so that they can see the depths of this issue and hopefully develop the perspective and tools necessary to end this cycle. While the R-rating may be supported in some circles, a PG-13 would more than likely allow parents and educators to watch this film with the children and instigate a meaningful dialogue.
As a parent - I wonder where is the teaching of compassion and tolerance? My young teenaged boys acquired from an early age enough innate inner character and respect for their fellow human beings to defend the "weak" or "different" and shame anyone -including other adults - that would do physical or emotional harm to another child. I encourage them and support them to follow their conscience.
I am nearly in tears as I listen to this broadcast. I am completely heartbroken that these kinds of incidents are happening in our country, particularly when adults are involved in the continuation of the bullying! It is completely unacceptable. Completely. I truly hope this film will help the adults wake UP and get serious about protecting our children!!!! This is ludicrous.
I, myself, was bullied as a child and I wouldn't have said I was bullied, but as I listen to these stories I recognize that I was. I endured several years of constant teasing and ostracization because I was "too pretty" or "too nice." When I talked to my mom about my problems she did not know how to help me. It only hurt her that I was being hurt. It took me a looooong time to figure out how to stand up for myself because my mother was just as afraid of bullies as I was.
I hope that bringing this topic to the public's attention will continue to generate discussion so that we can break the cycle once and for all.
I don't think that we can deal with bullying effectively until we address the fact that bullying is a worldwide strategy used by people in power to control the masses. In the US as well as in other nations throughout the world we use bullying when nations do not comply with our wishes. Furthermore, this is how media personalities such as Rush Limbaugh and many others behave; this is how parents and teachers behave as well. Bullying is regularly modeled as the most effective way to deal with those who are different--until we change this I don't think we will diminish the bullying that youth engage in--they see our hypocrisy and will therefore do what we do rather than what we say.
Jeanie...document. Get folks to witness. Ask the woman to mediate..have witnesses. When she more than likely turns you down document again. You can even write her a notarized letter.. Document document then put the hammer down. By turning in those documents to officials where you work. You gave her a chance if she turns you down to work it out then help get rid of her. Bullies need to pay a price so they will not do it again to the next person.
Fabulous show, Diane. Thank you for opening up this discussion here and for introducing us to this film.
I was bullied for 3 years by the same boy in elementary school. I did everything I was supposed to. I told my teachers, my principle, the school councilor, my parents. I was assured he would be dealt with. Nothing changed.
I was continually bullied by this boy. One day I finally got the upper hand and had him on the ground and was hauling back to punch him... and a teacher came and pulled me off. I went into a blind rage. To this day (I am now 45) I have no memory of my actions. I apparently punched the teacher twice and cursed her with every word I knew.
The result... the boy was not punished. Apparently some fast talking by my mother saved me from being suspended. I was forced to wear a dress for a week and had to apologize to the teacher. Her acceptance of my apology was self-righteous and condescending and she proceeded to lecture me about "un-lady like" behavior.
The bullying continued, although to a slightly lesser degree, until the boy moved away at the end of the year.
My daughter was being bullied in the first grade in a small public school in Massachusetts by two brothers who we suspected liked her but she commented that she thought one of them scribbled. Such a silly thing turned into them chasing her on the playground and screaming in her ears every day and getting the rest of the class to torture her in various ways. I didn't find out about the extent to which she was being bullied until we moved to Maryland. Part of the reason I didn't know how bad it was was due to her teacher. We met with her to discuss concerns over the boys behavior and instead our daughter was blamed for being insensitive about the picture. Also, the boys lied about things they did and the teachers believed them, perhaps because they were boys?
My advice is to take bullying very seriously and to make the school get involved - the "no tolerance policies" must help encourage the teachers. More than punishments, there need to be forums with the parents or making the bullies move school instead of the bullied. The SPLC has lots of good ideas to help schools do a better job. She is now in 3rd grade in a Friends school but still bears some scars of how she was treated.
I was helping in a headstart classroom in an elementary school of a middle class neighborhood and saw a bullying incident. When the teacher's back was turned, a taller boy grabbed the hair of a shorter, younger boy (the shorter boy was about a head shorter with dark black hair that stuck straight up about an inch), and pulled it as hard as he could.
My sons and step son went to the same high school. My step son and his friend would 'jump' victims at school. Once, they broke a boy's glasses and nose by punching and kicking him. The school is very strict and has a no tolerance policy. The no tolerance policy blames the victim as much as the perpetrators. All involved are punished. This leaves no recourse for the victims. The boy whose nose was broken was blamed for 'conflict' even though he did not create it. I protested to all involved including my now ex husband. He encouraged bravado in his words. My boys also were bullied by his son. I defended them and taught them that it was not ok. We are no longer married.
Abuse is a cycle that I grew up with, and it goes on and on. Until those NOT victimized recognize what is happening and don't endorse it, it will not stop and the victims will be blamed. There are societal consequences to all of this.
I was bullies more than 50 years ago.. From grade school to high school.. Yet somehow I did not believe them. I don't know why I didn't, about 11 years ago I saw a "classmate" from high school to which she asked to have lunch with me. At that time she said she was sorry for what this "class" had done to me.. She said she had not stool up for me when others acted as bullies to me. To this day I wonder why. Why does it make a difference to me or them.. In the end nothing really matters. To know this has not changed my life or my trust of others. Or trusting myself with others.. Good show thanks maybe there is change for the others.
I too was a victim of bullying growing up. To this day, I have never fully recovered from what had happened to me. As many have pointed out, Both schools , families, and adults in general have ignored the issue. Trying to justify their rationalization by stating it was part of growing up. Very sad, very ignorant, and completely counterproductive. Here is an example of one incident I have never forgotten. One day while at recess playing outside, I was 'pissed on' by two boys from the boys lavatory. I was than physically threaten if I told anyone who did this. Of course, I did tell the principal what had happened as it was kind of hard to hide. The result, nothing happened to the boys, and life went on.
KJ Ramsey when I first went to the superintendent of Athens City Schools to report this athletic directors bullying he said something like "Kathleen sometimes you just have to trust our President, VP or upper level officials (at the time Bush and Cheney were in the WH..wrong thing to say to me)" Turns out that this superintendent was friends with the abusers father who was a superintendent in the school district right next to ours. They had covered for each other in numerous circumstances. Also turned out that this superintendent had had a few parents step up to the plate and complain about this athletic directors several decades long sexually abusive language they had turned in written letters. Those letters were no longer in this mans files. As I said to the superintendent "I have read your policies and if you follow them and call in an independent investigator I will back off. He did not. I followed through and put a heavy hitting group of parents together (VP's in the local university, lawyers etc etc). When these individuals talked with their kids they found out that kids had been tolerating this mans behavior for years. They too heard "but nothing would be done" If an independent investigator had come in I can assure you the superintendent would have been gone too. He covered his own ass. Parents and their adult children who had been abused came out of the wood work. We testified in front of the school board. Some of them had been aware of the decades long abuse and had tolerated. This bullying problem is systemic. Permeates our culture
I am amazed at some of the comments made here... When people say "they need to punch the bully" or similar comments, they do not understand the problem. I am 26 and from the time i was in school on if a student who was being teased/abused and they fight back they would get into as much trouble as the bully. I personally had an instance were I was going to be suspended for fighting back even though there were many instances of the bully attacking me and I had no record of attacking another student. Also the "I was teased way back when, kids are too soft." speech doesn't work here. For better or worse children and teens today have cell phones, social media, and other forms of communication that older generations did not have to deal with.
Laura good for that person for apologizing. But does not change the impact. Hope you get support for your healing. Take care of yourself. Take what you learn and help others. You can do it
Traveler. Incredibly f----ed up. Excuse my language. But it is. You did not deserve to be treated like this. Get support..work it out internally. And then help others. Help stop this behavior!
You might not have noticed, but lots of bystanders get caught up in what bullies cause. Columbine is just a small part. Those killers were bullied. Bullies grow up to be thieves of one kind or another. I myself didn't have the 3rd-7th grade bullies back off until I tried to throw one down the school stairs. On the other side are the people that would otherwise be good getting infected with these situations.
One big problem is that assault between kids has no long lasting result. Treat it like a legal matter and the bully will wake up. Harassment is more tricky, but it all comes down to keeping a record. Incident reports from both separated sides, cameras in the halls, yards, gyms and on the bus. And that record should regularly be reviewed by somebody impartial.
We're talking about a bully. When parents and children try to sort it out the agendas get in the way. The worse being the bully that will say anything to get away with assault. Add to that one or more teachers that will accept a false apology and hollow handshake. See how truth can lose out? Schools should have rotating counselors with outside review. But that's not free.
The last things are the problem of leaving kids to their own devices. Large social interactions without a wary adult to guide it will degrade. Not may degrade, WILL.
Most children go through some type of bullying sometime or another. I did , my children did , often just by being the new kid in the school ( military families go through this constantly) even if there is nothing that really stands out to make them different form their peers. Parents do what they can ,encourage their kids to stand up straight for themselves and try to instill confidence and value in their children. If they have money they search for schools or extra activities that provide a safe place for children to grow in confidence, knowledge and skill.
America prides themselves on free education for all children, Nothing should be in the way of this goal. Educators ( under paid in some areas) need to be committed to each student to insure this right. They are part of how our children are prepared for adult life. Why would they turn a deaf ear to children in their care.
My heart goes out to all these children who shared their stories. Listening to the comments raised on your show , I did not feel there was enough discussion of why bullies bully. Here is part of the misconnect with schools, they do foster and allow this behavior , they miss both parts, protecting the victim at school and finding out what is wrong with the bully who is not developing into a whole human being but an arrested aggressor who himself is doomed to reach potential and is a danger to all who will cross his path. I say to the schools enough, you cannot afford to placate and protect the bully, the aftermath for both the well being of the victim and the bully rest with you. You cannot be an educator without honoring this trust you have over your students.
The extreme stories resulting in suicide and shootings reverberate though our society.
This is a documentary worth seeing and a conversation that must continue.
We could figure out tactics to try to reduce bullying - but that won't prevent it. It is sad that some people perpetrate unwarranted violence on others leaving the victim reeling, just as in the case of rape. Look to the bully to find ways to reduce bullying.
When a child encounters a bully, someone who threatens them on an ongoing basis and exerts power over
them, they feel helpless and intimidated. It is a really sad and difficult situation that has severe implications. No one deserves to be treated with cruelty.
I developed a program, Sleep'n Sync, that helps the bullied child from within, it contains an audio that must be played to the child while he/she sleeps. This audio helps the child’s subconscious mind reconnect with his/her confidence self and provides concrete strategies. Through internalizing this positive self concept, projecting confidence and having strategies to use when confronted, the child should feel in
control of himself and his/her life.
This program needs the active participation of the caregiver, it is designed to be used in combination with teaching the skills needed and the conscious understanding of such skills, accompanied by appropriate adult intervention.
Why should we crack down on bullying at school? Bullying is both how we pass on all of our favourite arbitrary social norms, which, being arbitrary and often injurious, wither in the light of Reason and so need Force to back them up.
As well, it prepares our youth for the bullying that makes the boss/employee relationship, and for that matter all power relationships, work. Would you strike at the very notion of Authority, and of the right of the strong to do as they will with the weaker?---what part of 'laissez-faire' do you not understand?
Jefferson noted that "... the mass of mankind has not been born with saddles on their backs, nor a favored few booted and spurred, ready to ride them legitimately, by the grace of God." This being the case, proper operation of a society which still depends on our being saddled (and a few of us spurred) demands that we start early in fitting our children with saddles (and a few spurs), and bullying fits that bill nicely.
I was bullied throughout school, always the last to be picked, and taunted, threatened, and physically hit by other students from grammar school through high school.
I was also verbally and physically abused by my mother, a single parent. She terrorized myself, and my brother and sister. We didn't talk much about the abuse, even later in life.
I had nobody to talk to about it, and lived with alot of shame for putting up with it and not striking back. I left home before I graduated from high school, and stopped seeing any friends I had from that time period. I was so glad to rid myself of anybody who knew me and and seen me bullied.
In college I was able to get a fresh start. I was given shelter by a wonderful family for a few years as I developed a sense of self esteem. I developed a new support system, and eventually graduated from college and pursued a professional career.
Looking back, I still fell shame for not fighting back whatever way possible and for taking so much abuse. I just ducked down and took it. I felt trapped, and couldn't get help to get it stopped.
I still feel anger, and depression over what happened. My brother took his own life several years ago. He just gave up, after four failed marriages.
My son was bullied when he was about 8 years old. We were very involved with his public education and went to the school to solve the problem. The guidance counselor was brilliant. he understood the seriousness of the problem. He got all of the kids involved and every day for a week they were to meet in a room for 30 minutes until they worked out the problem. Some of Brian's best friends came out of that room. The saddest part is that many parents are just not involved; and that a lot of school personnel do not care or are just incompetent - and that comes from personal experience.
This is a great topic ("women bullies in the work place" from previous poster). Would love for Diane Rehm to host a show dedicated solely to this issue. May bleed over to "terrorism in the workplace". I had a boss who left for three weeks at a time (just MIA) and then would expect her authorized only projects to be completed to her specifications.
It was a small firm, so board oversight really never looked into mgt. turnover. I stayed less than two years. Others had terms ranging from weeks to months.
How to survive? Who can help? Support systems? Preparing an exit strategy? Can these firms/institutions be regulated?
I know this one. I call zero tolerance zero thinking. At one point in the end of 6th grade I'd been attacked by a boy I didn't know for being between him and the guy behind me in line that poked him. He was a third bigger than me! When he wheeled around with a fist back I ducked enough to get a bruised eyebrow and not fall down. All I did in the entire "fight" was block punches with my forearms. (Kung Fu) We got hauled off to explain ourselves and that's what we both agreed happened separately. In a 70's school that paddled I was told to take my six licks for "being IN a fight". I tried to argue it out and the other boy even said I was right. They insisted. I refused to the point that I walked out of the school. My mother was home when they called so we walked back. They wanted to ADD three more licks for leaving the school. My mom agreed that just the three were due and when one teacher tried to argue back I lost all respect for him. All of it. If I'd had any classes with him I might have gotten violent.
I was bullied when I was in elementary school - mostly 6th through 8th grades - until I was able to move to another school where things changed significantly. But those three years were hell and I still remember them.
I have three comments to make on this show and this film.
1. I was bullied over 50 years ago. I believe it's getting worse BECAUSE NO ONE WAS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Maybe that will change now.
2. This notion of "snitching" drives me NUTS. When two guys rob a bank and one gets caught and tells the police how to catch his accomplice (usually for a lighter jail sentence) - that is SNITCHING. When someone watches the bank robbery and reports it to the police that is a WITNESS. The fact that someone who is bullied and reports the abuse is labelled a "snitch" borders on obscene.
3. If this film does nothing more than get that school administrator who was blaming the kid who was being bullied (in fact SHE was bullying him) fired, IMHO, it will have been well worth the effort. She doesn't deserve to administer ANYTHING, much less other kids. Shameful!
OK, one more comment.
This issue goes to one of the basic driving forces in society - power. It is a perfect example of those who have power (or perceive they have power, or who CREATE power through their abuse of others) over the powerless. Until we, humans, begin treating everyone with respect; and honor the inherent dignity of man, this situation will continue to persist.
As a parent of a bullied child, I appreciate this program and hope this movie will come to our area.
I have to say, the administration's admonition of the bullied child for not shaking the buller's hand -- is right out of my son's life here. I have tried to be an advocate here but, it seems that it is a low priority over test scores.
As my son looks to the move next year to high school, he is already expressing anxiety about increased bullying there!
Thank you for this movie and Diane, thank you for continuing to bring these subject up over and over again.
There is a manager in my workplace who has been spiraling downward into very intense bullying. No one knows how to deal with her, because her supervisor is offsite, and much of her bullying is not necessarily in her words but in tone and attitude. It has come to point in which everyone in the office dreads coming into work, for fear of being yelled at. How can we deal with this? Confronting her does not seem like an option, but the show seems to be suggesting that is what should be done.
As a high-schooler I was verbally bullied by several young girls after I was raped by a classmate. The girls called me a slut and made sure to spread it all over the school. In high school, that kind of reputation can feel like the end of the world. This followed me for years and resulted in self-esteem issues and self-harm that will be issues for me for my whole life. Now - over ten years later - I wanted to share this story because even seemingly minor acts of bullying (calling someone a slut) can have enormous negative outcomes. We need to teach children empathy and social consciousness from a very young age and be INTOLERANT of this hurtful behavior regardless of how minor it may seem.
Thank you so much for discussing bullying today. Thank you for standing up against bullying. Thank you for giving voice to the countless people, young and old, who were, are, and may be bullied. Thank you for putting yourselves out there to make a difference.
I'm a single mom and my daughter was bullied by an older boy, several years ago - despite my best efforts. When I found out I did everything I could think of to help her. Since that time I have taken a much mroe proactive approach to helping my children identify bully behavior and speak out against it.
Thank you again so very much! <3