Death of a Parent
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2012-03-05/death-parent
The death of a parent can be a life altering experience at any age, but for children there are special challenges. Adults are often at a loss how to best support children and adolescents who are experiencing profound grief while at the same time trying to meet cope with the demands of school, relationships with peers and changes in routines. Grief counselors know that some feelings and reactions are common, but they also know that every loss is unique and presents its own set of psychological and social issues. Please join us to talk about how to help children and adolescents cope with the loss of a parent
Guests
Carole Geithner
assistant clinical professor of psychology, George Washington University School of Medicine and author of a new novel, "If Only"
Susan Ley
executive director, Wendt Center for Loss and Healing
Gardiner Harris
science reporter for The New York Times and author of the mystery novel "Hazard."
Liz Kelly
graduate student, The Catholic University of America,
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Program Highlights
People say children are resilient, but when a parent dies, the emotional and psychological challenges can be overwhelming. Diane and a panel of guests talked about how children and teenagers cope with the loss of a parent and what other adults in their lives can do to help.
How A Parent's Death Changes The Course Of A Life
Geithner, who lost her own mother when she was 25, realized at that age how such a loss sets people apart. "Life stops in a way while everyone else's life is going on...I experienced how awkward it can be for people to know how to react to you," she said. Harris lost his mother at age 13 and realizes today that if she had lived, he would be a very different person. Harris said he would have much better table manners, but also realizes that he is "fiercely independent" because she wasn't there. He and his brother even avoided spending time with her in the final stages of her illness, to his shame today. "It's the sort of thing that I'm never going to get over, and probably never forgive myself for," he said.
Not Knowing What To Say
Kelly, who is earning her master's degree in clinical social work, lost her father when she was a freshman in high school. She remembers that few people, her peers and adults alike, seemed to know what to say. "So for the most part, they really didn't say anything. So part of my motivation for going back to school to get my master's in clinical social work is so that I can help others who are going through challenging circumstances," Kelly said. She's learning that it may be perfectly fine for adults to say to young people, "I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I know it's hard."
Simple, Straightforward Language For Young Children
A listener sent an email to the guests asking what suggestions they had for her 4 year-old niece, who lost her mother several months ago. "I think one of the great gifts that the surviving parent and family members can do is to continue to share stories and memories about the person who died, especially with such a young child," Geithner said. Ley agreed, and added that the language used needs to be very simple, very clear, and very straightforward. "The irreversibility of death is not well understood at age 4, probably not until 9 or 10, so the question of is mommy coming back or where did she go. So we want to use really straightforward language," Ley said.
Grief As A Process
Harris talked about the reality of his mother's death hitting him at different moments - like the first time he was home sick from school after her death and realized she wasn't there to care for him. Geithner agreed that grief comes "out in bits and pieces and bursts" when young people can handle it rather in the long, profound way that adults might grieve and mourn.
You can read the [full transcript here(http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2012-03-05/death-parent/transcript).
Comments
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Even though my father was in his eighties when he died a couple of years ago, it took me a full year before I could start bringing up the good memories. It is almost as if I had to live thru all four seasons and feel regret, anger, even hatred, before the reality of the great joy he had brought to my life came alive to me. It was at Christmas, all the memories, how we celebrated all Christmases, because as a child from Chicago, so did he.
It was always necessary for children who were poor to be able to celebrate Christmas of another nationality, which came after the American Christmas, because all the little Christmases we had, were real and magical, and everything was on sale. (Or so I figured out) The other day I spied a pair of wooden shoes from the Netherlands, and wanted them for my own to put out, even though I am now a senior citizen.
We were all minors when our mother died. It was devistating to my father, and I didn't know until after he had died that all he knew of his own mother was a white arm waving to him and his little brother from a hospital room. Her lungs had been ruined working for ''uncaring, unregulated job-maker of the early twentieth century." So white arm waving, white flag of surrender, a loss is a loss is a loss forever. No one can replace a parent who loves you like no other because you are their own.
My father died 46 years ago a month before I turned 13. It has been something that influences and affects my life to this day - now in more positive ways than at first.. The last time I saw him, I was leaving his hospital room and said goodbye. He said "goodbye!? You sound like you won't see me again." I never did see him again. I know my parents both were probably doing what they thought was best by not exposing me to the nitty gritty reality . . . and I suspect they did not want to give up hope. But I have regrets to this to day that we never had an opportunity to say our goodbyes to each other. Perhaps I was at times, but I am not angry about it - death is hard and difficult to know what to do. But it is something that I have an opportunity to do with those I love - say goodbye and let them know what they have meant to me.
This theme always makes me think of the beautiful novels written by William Maxwell who experienced the death of his mother when he was a child and never, it seems, got over it. I have never read a better treatment of dealing all your life with such an event.
As an atheist, I tend to be concerned about what to say when a person dies. I lost a dear friend at age 9 then his grandfather, our neighbor and siblings' godfather, died two weeks later. I'm 46 now, but the death of my friends colored my view of death. When my father died, I was not prepared even though I was in my early thirties at the time.
What advice do you have?
I lost my mom when I was 16 years old. That event has impacted me profoundly.
I know now that some questionable decisions I've made in life were product of her absence.
8 months ago I've lost my dad, I feel that while grieving for him I am grieving for her all over again.
Thank you for this show.
From Kansas
My sister has terminal cancer and likely has less than a year to live. She has a 14 year old daughter that we know would benefit from counseling or groups such as you are discussing. We are told that our niece refuses to go to counseling. Any suggestions?
Please ask my question anonymously
Thank you
I lost my 32 year old son two years ago. He left two little girls 1 and 3 years old. I have been working on scrapbooks for the girls with stories about their PaPa so they will have memories of him.
I've also become a facsilatator at the Warm Place which is a berevement center for children that have lost a parent in the Dallas-Fort worth area. This center is free of charge to any ffamily that has lost a mother father or grandparent. We meet every two weeks for a pot luck dinner and then break into age groups with the parents meeting in the living room. It's been wonderful for the children to be able to meet other children going through the same thing. I wish every child and grieving parent would have this healing resourse available.
My father committed suicide when I was nine. When I returned to school, I had one teacher (in 4th grade) who was so sympathetic and supportive. Something happened in class, and I remember beginning to cry. She took me outside of the room, enveloped me in her arms, and told me that it was okay to be sad. It was a lonely, awful time for me (and as your guest has said, the experience has made me the person I am today), but this teacher gave me the gift of her affection and understanding. I remain profoundly grateful to her, and I can still feel the warmth of her hug.
I lost my father at age 2 and mother at age 12. In those days adults did not talk about grieving much and I was just encouraged to go on as normal. It took me until college and even much later in adult life to really mourn my losses, especially of a father which I never knew. A similar circumstance happened recently to a neighbor (losing his mother at age 13) but his family has swamped him with grief counselors and opportunities to talk; he would much rather just get on with life and be normal. Perhaps its the difference between boys and girls, but doesn't part of the healing process need an adult perspective to understand the whole effect on a child's life?
I lost both of my parents when I was young. My mother died when I was 9 and my father when I was 18. Our extended family's method of coping was to not allow me to grieve very much either time, and I recall my father asking me after my mom died to "be a brave little soldier." Crying in front of others was basically unacceptable. I still don't cry much, and my mother has been gone 45 years.
I imagine there were social workers in the 1960s and 1970s, but there was never an attempt to get any professional counseling for me.
What I miss most about my mom is really never knowing her. My dad and I were very close and I keep his stories alive, which is helpful to me.
I've never been an adult child so it's interesting to see what my friends are going through as their parents age, become ill and die. It's also novel to have adult children -- mine are 24 and 19 -- and to see how the child/parent relationship evolves over time.
In 1962 my father passed away from injuries received in a house fire. The rest of the family survived. How do you feel the type of death effects a child's loss of a parent and his/her ability of cope?
As a Native American, we shared the week up to the death of my son's father with the community. My son was eight when his father died. We both spent the next six months grieving and for years afterward, my son was allowed to cry when he felt the need. We discussed openly his father, his father's death, and his love for us.
My son had a fellow playmate who lost his father suddenly in an auto accident that same month. The two boys were ostracized by both the adult teachers and their fellow students at school because of this. The children were understandable, but the teachers were so much at a loss as to how to deal with a child's loss.
I still grieve for my son's loss.
Some never get over it, trust me on that...
Thanks to all of your for your comments. My mother suddenly died a month before my 7th birthday in 1957. To this day no one in my family will talk about her very much and thus my grieving process has always been difficult and incomplete. I am still sad and I often wonder how normal I am to still be so sad. I still think that I worry that every one will leave me either through death or abandonment. I identify will many of you.
I love the idea of sharing these ways of talking with children about death through the medium of fiction. Another great children's author who deals very well with these issues is the Newbery Award winner Sharon Creech. I highly recommend her work to any young adult reader.
I've just suggested Carole Geithner's book to our local library. :-) Thank you for this program.
I married a man with two little girls, whose mother was sick for two years with cancer before she died. I have adopted them and have learned that it is not just the death that affects the children. Our daughters lived with different grandparents (from the time the second was born) while their mom was sick and required intense care. As a result, they didn't even live together until their mom died. It affected their relationship negatively and it has taken a lot of work to build it. As we've had other children, they both seem to have "bonded" easier to the baby siblings than they did to each other. Sometimes the children's emotional needs get put on the backburner during the crisis mode of a parent's illness. In this case, the crisis of illness made it so one daughter had to live in a different state with another grandparent, and the family wasn't reunited in one house until after the funeral. Very sad.
My mother died when I was 9 years old- my siblings and I were between the ages of 7 and 12- in 1972. My father mustered out of the service because she was ill and wanted to come home to die. In her last 6 months, she spent 4 setting us up in a new home, gettitng us ready for school, and spending time with her 4 children; the last 2 months, she spent in the hospital and declined rapidly- we spent our time visiting her. Because she had 3 daughters, it was feared that one of us would end up contracting the same disease that took her life; turns out it was 2 of her sisters who ended up doing so. One is gone, but thankfully, one is still with us.
I always think about how our lives changed after she died. We seemed to drift along after, just taking things as they happened (we had no control). My father "battled" her mother over what would happen to us. His focus, even before she died, was on physical/monetary support. I remember punching a classmate in the stomach because she taunted me that my mother was dead and hers wasn't. My father packed us up and moved us to his home state to settle the conflict with his MIL (but he didn't cut off our contact with her).
I lost my mother when I was 12. My brother and I helped her to the bathroom that morning and I decided right there that I was going to devote my spare time to helping her. I was met by my father on returning from school that she had passed on. We never saw her again. Closed casket. I don't think that back in 1968 that there was any help in dealing with grief. I, too, wanted to go to school the next day. A few days later my mom's sisters arrived. Having never met them it was devastating to see how much they looked like my mom. I know I've changed from that day forward.
Can't wait to read your book!
My father passed on when I was in my 40's. At that point I felt like an orphan! I never expected that.
WOW. These guests are doing so well. I love hearing such a poised, sensitive, and gentle panel of professionals speaking about grief with Diane. What a treat. Let us all hope that this opens the conversation about grief and dying.
My dad died just after I turned 13 (he was 39). He'd been sick off and on for years from juvenile diabetes, including having a kidney transplant.
As a result of growing up with a chronic illness in my family, I found myself feeling emotions that were more mature, like those of an adult. My peers couldn't relate to me, and adults treated me like I was a child. As a result, I felt like I had basically no one to talk to.
As an adult I find I'm able to talk to teens who are in a similar situation to what I went through by simply acknowledging that reality and treating them as having wisdom beyond their years.
Remember, too, that a teen often feels the responsibility to take on a role of emotional support to the remaining parent. The parent and others may or may not realize the pressure and emotional toll that causes in the ensuing years.
It also helps for people to avoid cliches, assure them it's OK (and reasonable) to be angry with God, and tell them that even though it will be tough for a long time, it WILL eventually get easier. Don't give up.
I am 68 and my father died 5 months ago (98 years old). Never have I felt so lost. The biggest question that haunts me is "what part of his shoes do I try to fill?" (He was so active in the guidance of the community.) The biggest things I have lost are his silent love and approval. I have two sisters that don't share these losses and that weighs on me too.
You never get over it. It changes you and you become a different person. Maybe this can be taught to children so they don't think they are meant to "get over it" at some point. The only deaths that do not bother me are the ones I don't hear about. If you are a Christian, please don't ask, "Was your mom saved?" If the answer is, "No," what do you think you will say next? And if you are a Christian and you know that your mom or dad was not saved, you do not "get over" their death. You can go to school and be happy about many things in your life but not about that one thing. Never.
Toddlers process kidnapping during the course of a divorce/separation as the death of a parent.
The Maryland Senate Judiciary has a bill (HB485 / SB481 ) under vote tomorrow because of the number of children in separated/divorced /unmarried households in Maryland and the long term psychological damage of death and break from routine.
In the end, this "death" can cause the same type of psychological problems down the road for toddlers. Can cause the same types of problems the callers detailed (hopelessness, even suicide, according to NAACP source) for older children.
[There is a need for a system that cannot be used by manipulative lawyers to (overtly or otherwise) attempt sway in child-custody determinations at the expense of children; divorce trials can take 9-months and that's a lifetime to a toddler. The bill promotes speedily reviewing the family dynamic at the time of separation before a selfish parent works to posture a case through the unjust sequestering of a child. ]
Both of my parents have passed away, and as an only child it was very difficult no question. But one thing for sure that has sustained me through the grieving process was my faith in Christ. During the difficult time while they were sick we used God's word to communicate with each other in a deep way, and when you realize that God has authority over your life and he is in control of all the situation you just let go put things in His hands. This is what helped me translate the grief into now enjoying the beautiful memory I shard with them and actually sharing it with my siblings, cause you give what you have.
cont.
my mother's death took away me and my sibling sense of possibility (we've talked about it over the years). I think my older sister suffered the most- she was 11.
I'm reminded of that Murphy Brown controversy with VP Quayle about single parenthood. Death made my father a single parent. Should he have run out and remarried as soon as my mother was in the ground, just to provide a 2-parent family (believe me, there were several women vying for the position- even befor mom died)?
When I was in middle school, my paternal grandfather died; when I was in high school, my maternal grandfather died. I have a very large extended family; add in other relatives and family friends, I experienced a lot of death before I graduated from high school.
I now have my own family and one sister has children- a new generation.
BTW, knowing what to say- no matter the age of the suvivors is hard; I'm apprciative of any sincere attempt to offer support/condolences.
My mother died when I was 3 years old. It was kept hidden from me until I figured out that she had died when I was five. Growing up, I always said that I was lucky that she died when I was so young because I didn't have any memories to miss. It wasn't until I had a daughter of my own that recognized the giant hole in my life, recognized what I had missed. I'm 36 and still grieving, and I'm wondering if there are resources specific to adults who lost a parent as a child.
In 1960, my father was killed in a small, private plane crash, and because of the weather the site wasn't found for 6 months. I was 7 with 3 younger brothers when he was found, my mother was 28. The family doctor advised mom not to talk about my father unless one of us asked. He also advised mother not to let us see her cry, so i grew up thinking that because she didn't cry she didn't care. Years later, i learned from her that she would hide in the closets or bathroom or take a walk. The times being what they were, I as the only girl was told not to cry and that it was my job to help mommy raise my brothers. This made me a very serious minded child, even though i used humor as my "shell". I never played after that. One of your guests mentioned being a "motherless child" i was a fatherless daughter and all that entails. Because of the times also, none of the family adults knew how to communicate so we lost our whole family. My mother suffered alone and, not of her choosing, she was abusive verbally and physically to all of us, but most especially me. Of course, there's so much more to this.
My father died when I was 14. Here's what adults can do: talk to the teen like this, "I was thinking about your Dad today. I remember when he was young... or I remember when you were born and he reacted... or I remember what a fun person he was. This is what I was looking for. I just wanted to know and remember who he was and to know that others were there with me. I didn't want adults talking to me about grieving or about my feelings or pitying me, etc. My peers at the time were incredible - they were quietly supportive and perfectly appropriate. The adults struggled more.
My Mother-Inlaw was killed in a car accident in which my wife and daughters whom were 6 and 8 at the time were riding in the same car while on vacation and I was 1500 miles away. We were able to surround ourselves with both close family and distant relatives. We spoke matter of factly with our children and let them participate in the memorial service when we spread her ashes. We still talk about the accident and my Mom and have a good laugh and maybe some tears.
I was 7 when my father blew out his brains in the backyard 12 days before Christmas. He had been a lawyer, partner in his firm, went to Harvard at 15 and Harvard Law at 19. He was dead at 34 by his own hand. Sadly, it was us kids who found him. Me at 7 and my brothers at 9 and 10. It changed our lives forever. Fortunately, my mom was a wise woman who maintained our normal routines while quickly figuring out the financial end of things. This was 1967 and his suicide made us outcasts in the worst way. A few steady friends remained and a few strong family members. Most were awful. And in the name of various religions, some pretty insensitive comments were made.
Fast forward to now and we've all done fine. Sadly, the legacy continues with the recent suicide of my nephew.
Most of all, people need to be there for the survivors. Above all, do NOT ask "How did he do it?". As a child, I tended to avoid and really didn't deal with my father's suicide until I was in my mid 20's.
I worked as a suicide prevention counselor years ago and then helped create the first suicide group at The Sharing Place, a grief support group for kids who have lost a parent or close relative to suicide.
I chose to never become like my father and have really never fulfilled my potential. A Mensan, I've generally held low level jobs and never have explored intellectual pursuits...at 51, I hope to change this and return to school.
The death of a parent is awful. The death of a parent by suicide is horrendous. Be there for the kids and the remaining spouse.