Death of a Parent
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2012-03-05/death-parent
The death of a parent can be a life altering experience at any age, but for children there are special challenges. Adults are often at a loss how to best support children and adolescents who are experiencing profound grief while at the same time trying to meet cope with the demands of school, relationships with peers and changes in routines. Grief counselors know that some feelings and reactions are common, but they also know that every loss is unique and presents its own set of psychological and social issues. Please join us to talk about how to help children and adolescents cope with the loss of a parent
Guests
Carole Geithner
assistant clinical professor of psychology, George Washington University School of Medicine and author of a new novel, "If Only"
Susan Ley
executive director, Wendt Center for Loss and Healing
Gardiner Harris
science reporter for The New York Times and author of the mystery novel "Hazard."
Liz Kelly
graduate student, The Catholic University of America,
Related Items
Program Highlights
People say children are resilient, but when a parent dies, the emotional and psychological challenges can be overwhelming. Diane and a panel of guests talked about how children and teenagers cope with the loss of a parent and what other adults in their lives can do to help.
How A Parent's Death Changes The Course Of A Life
Geithner, who lost her own mother when she was 25, realized at that age how such a loss sets people apart. "Life stops in a way while everyone else's life is going on...I experienced how awkward it can be for people to know how to react to you," she said. Harris lost his mother at age 13 and realizes today that if she had lived, he would be a very different person. Harris said he would have much better table manners, but also realizes that he is "fiercely independent" because she wasn't there. He and his brother even avoided spending time with her in the final stages of her illness, to his shame today. "It's the sort of thing that I'm never going to get over, and probably never forgive myself for," he said.
Not Knowing What To Say
Kelly, who is earning her master's degree in clinical social work, lost her father when she was a freshman in high school. She remembers that few people, her peers and adults alike, seemed to know what to say. "So for the most part, they really didn't say anything. So part of my motivation for going back to school to get my master's in clinical social work is so that I can help others who are going through challenging circumstances," Kelly said. She's learning that it may be perfectly fine for adults to say to young people, "I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I know it's hard."
Simple, Straightforward Language For Young Children
A listener sent an email to the guests asking what suggestions they had for her 4 year-old niece, who lost her mother several months ago. "I think one of the great gifts that the surviving parent and family members can do is to continue to share stories and memories about the person who died, especially with such a young child," Geithner said. Ley agreed, and added that the language used needs to be very simple, very clear, and very straightforward. "The irreversibility of death is not well understood at age 4, probably not until 9 or 10, so the question of is mommy coming back or where did she go. So we want to use really straightforward language," Ley said.
Grief As A Process
Harris talked about the reality of his mother's death hitting him at different moments - like the first time he was home sick from school after her death and realized she wasn't there to care for him. Geithner agreed that grief comes "out in bits and pieces and bursts" when young people can handle it rather in the long, profound way that adults might grieve and mourn.
You can read the [full transcript here(http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2012-03-05/death-parent/transcript).
Comments
Please familiarize yourself with our Code of Conduct and Terms of Use before posting your comments.
Thank you for this show. I lost my wife one year ago today after an 18 month battle with ALS. Our son, Patrick, took a leave of absence from Centre College to help me with caregiving. I really don't know how he coped with all the feelings and emotions he must have dealt with watching his mother slowly die before his eyes. One thing that he did after her death was to get involved with Students of AMF (Ailing Mothers and Fathers). This is a wonderful college grief support group that helps college students with loss of a loved one, be it a parent, grandparent, sibling or best friend. Centre College did not have a chapter, so, he contacted the organization's founder and asked how he could start a chapter at Centre College. Here's a link from the college's web site describing his effort to start their chapter (http://www.centre.edu/news/2012/students_amf.html). If you have college age children or know of college age children, I recommend they find out if their is a Students of AMF chapter on their campus. If not, they may want to learn how to get one started.
I believe that directing his energy and spirit to the creation of Centre's chapter was very therapeutic and has contributed to his coping with his Mom's death.
Dave
Hello midwayrachel. I am glad you are an underachieving mensa brain. There are too many stories of "brilliant minds" who either go crazy or end it. You are actually achieving more than you think. You are alive and probably having a positive impact on the people around you. That's smart by any measurement method. :)
My husband died suddenly and traumatically several months ago. I was with him when he died, but my children were not. One of the most difficult things for me in dealing with my teenage son has been his anger toward me and blame that he places on me for the fact that he never had the chance to say goodbye to his dad. From a recent personal experience in with a death of another family member after a protracted illness, a sudden loss of a parent appears to evoke very different reactions, including more confusion, anger and guilt.
My role as a parent has changed so dramatically in such a short time. One of the hardest things is to pay attention to one's own needs in the grieving process, while at the same time to be open to the emotional needs of one's children. It all takes so much energy.
Thank you so much for today's show on Death of a Parent. I lost my mother when I was 11 and my father at 19. Both deaths were long and drawn out illnesses from diabetes. It has been an extremely difficult experience to get through. It has been so nice to hear stories that I can relate with when I have felt so alone. I think that children's bereavement is important and I thoroughly enjoyed your panels advice and input. I have spent time in the past working as a grief facilitator with very young children and really appreciate the discussion and excellent responses.
I also wanted to mention in the Cincinnati Area a wonderful organization that specializes in Children Bereavement.
fernside.org
There is a wonderful organization, Camp Kesem, that offers 1 week summer camps for children whose parents have or have had cancer.
There are multiple camps across the country, organized by students at universities. The camps are free and uplifting and the student counselors, many of whom have gone through the same experience, are inspirational role models.
If you know a child in this situation, please consider checking out www.campkesem.org. You'll learn about the organization and where there are camps for kids.
Camp Kesem could prove to be a wonderful experience for the child.
First of all I want to say that I'm very grateful for this show today. I was just 9 when my dad died from a car accident. My mother was in the depths of despair and could not take care of me and my brother at first. I felt very isolated and no one would talk to me about it. It was a forbidden subject in our house. I remember once at the dinner table bringing him up and my mother snapped, "he wasn't perfect!". I think she was angry at him (he fell asleep at the wheel) for being careless. I don't blame her for the way she handled things. For many years I blamed myself for not "getting over it". It's part of who I am and a lifelong process. Now I have a young daughter and it brings me a sense of joy to watch her interact with her father. For some reason it brings me comfort, as if I am close to my dad again.
This could not come at a more prescient time. I lost my husband 5 years ago to cancer. My Daughter, now 8, has had a pretty tough road and I'm so proud of how far she has come. She just started asking to see pictures and have me tell stories about her dad. I've always shared them but she was never very interested in them.
At times I and the family around us forget that she is still struggling with this. Less empathetic people have commented that we should be over it, since it has been 5 years. I was starting to think that I was making excuses for her but this show helped me know that this event has changed her life and she needs continued empathy and support.
She has very advanced reading and comprehension skills- do you think this book would be appropriate for her? I've ordered it and will judge for myself- but I was curious If anyone else had thoughts/concerns. Should I save it for a few year?
It is true what you say about losing your whole family as they don't know how to communicate. For us, my mother's closest younger sister took all of her things, and saved nothing for us. I kept asking her what my mom was like over the years. She would always say only one thing, "Your Mother was naive." I was over sixty before I realized that aunt was always jealous of my mother from early childhood. Her description of my mother had no reality in fact. The Aunt just didn't realize how serious life was for an officer's wife during the cold war. The aunt didn't believe anything. I was never told this. I figured it out myself after she wanted me to take care of her, be her entourage, and be subtly insulted at all times. I kicked her to the curb forever. Everyone else was just great.
My father died in a traffic accident when I was eight years old. I never really recovered. Before his death, I was generally a happy, smiling kid; afterward, I was sullen and withdrawn.
As my mother re-entered the dating scene, I endured the emotional and physical abuse of several men at a time when I needed a positive male role model the most. The more negative reinforcement that (literally) hit me, the more I avoided people altogether.
Today, I'm a complete wreck. I'm not easy to talk to, socially immature and generally devoid of lasting friendships. I can count my support network on one hand.
I don't know what the future holds for the remainder of my years, but it's clear how I got down this path. If only I could have gotten the help I so desperately needed so many years ago.
I listened to part of the show yesterday. I grimaced when I heard the guy who said he and his brother would play "rock, paper, scissors" with his brother to determine who had to go and help his dying mother and that this went on for a couple of months. I understand how this must be haunting him. It is unfortunate he could not have received help from his father or other family members to understand the magnitude of what was happening. The smell of death. The fear of death. Perhaps children should never be put in the role of caretakers. As an adult, I was in this role for six months with my mother. I cherished each and every day and was happy to be able to take part in this difficult journey.
It is not an easy job, this job of dying. It is not easy for anyone. But it is a very powerful learning experience and teaches us that life is precious and transient and never to be taken for granted. We also get a glimpse of what is in store for each and every one of us when our time comes. The experience of having a pet die would help to prepare children. But adults need to guide the way. Some kids will be more prepared than others. None will ever be the same.
I lost my mother in 1960 when I was 3. To this day I think the reason I never got over it is because I was never told very much about my mother. I have so many questions about her and have lost the opportunity to ask anyone about her because my father has also passed away by now and so have many of the family who knew her. I still think of her almost every day and wonder how different things would be if she had lived or if I knew just a little more about her. I also have the issue of not opening myself up very much to people because I am scared of being left through death or abandonment also.
this is a good topic. I do think that the death of my mother when was 18 after years of her suffering from Rheumatoid Arthritis impacted me lifelong. When it first happened it was so numbing and then my father took it bad. I often wonder what the difference would be if she had lived longer but feel more accepting of her death now. Most people were sympathetic. It is hard to deal with though and impacted our family. It is probably the most major event in my life. It's interesting when I talk to people who have lost loved ones they remember exactly how long it has been like how many years. It just seems like people make you feel like if you remember them or think of them it means you haven't dealt with it or something. I just think it is painful and the loss doesn't really "go away" I think it is healthy to remember. I know I used to feel bad if I forgot her like I didn't really love her or something. But I realize now that's just in my head
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.My name is Kat. I am 28 years old and both of my parents have passed away. I lost my father 19 years ago and my mother 4 years ago. I have no contact with my existing family for 19 years. I found this web site while searching for advice on continued grieving. I found it helpful to read others story's. This is the first time I have put any acknowledgement of the issue on "paper" if you will. I was not close with my mother and basically grew up having to cope with these feeling on my own. I found that when my mother passed I really just broke down. I had no guidance on how to deal with grief and battle every day with it. I cry at the smallest things, but have realized that I have become profoundly compassionate about the feelings and lives of others. I continue my process through art, staying active mentally and physically and surrounding myself with the most positive energy that I can. I too, like many others realized that I suffer from feelings of abandonment and the fear that everyone will leave or die. I logically realize that this is possible but I also realize that because of my loss I magnify the possibility in my mind. My only advice is i guess to be as open with your feelings as you can. Do not dwell on the unchangeable facts of death or on death itself. By communicating my love with others when ever I feel necessary helps with my fear of loss. If loss does happen I know that i have been as honest about my feeling as I could. This help me greatly!! I think everyone deals with grief very differently and it is a vast well of emotions. But we are not alone. I wrote this more to help with my grieving process but also hope that it may help someone else.
I have lost my mother 2months ago...n i have a brother whose age is 12.He was very close to mom and he is very introvert.He used to share everything only with maa.After my mother's death...he has become very silent.He not even cried much.And now a days he even ignores any topic related to mom.He never speaks about her.My age is 24.I and my father are all day busy with work.We have to go to work.Then after returning from school he has to live alone.Our relatives are also not at all supportive.At this tym all of dem have walked out.I want some suggestions how can I motivate my brother positively so that he can be a good human being.Please help me out.