Modern Matchmaking
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2012-02-14/modern-matchmaking
Romantic relationships can begin anywhere. But sometimes cupid’s arrow needs a little help to find its mark. Humans have been using matchmakers ever since Adam and Eve. Traditional matchmaking was often a role for rabbis and priests, friends and family. Now singles are increasingly looking outside their immediate circles to find a mate. Online dating has become a billion dollar industry. The professional matchmaking business is thriving. And some are even willing try a blind date arranged by their local newspaper. Diane and her guests discuss looking for old fashioned love in the modern world.
Guests
Amanda McGrath
innovations editor for lifestyle and entertainment at the Washington Post. She edits the paper’s “Date Lab” column.
Eli Finkel
associate professor of social psychology at Northwestern University and lead author of a study of online dating published in the February 2012 issue of the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest
Janis Spindel
a professional matchmaker and author of two books, "Get Serious About Getting Married" and "How to Date Men."
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Program Highlights
In fiction, one person randomly meets another, sparks fly, they marry, and live happily ever after. But in real life, finding a romantic partner is not that easy. Singles are increasingly employing technology and non-traditional methods to find a mate.
The Changes Online Dating Have Brought
Guest Eli Finkel said it's important to remember that online dating only really began around 1995; now, 17 years later, it's the second most-popular way for singles to meet, trailing slightly behind meeting through friends. Online dating represents a radical overhaul in how people are meeting potential partners, Finkel said. Spindel, a matchmaker who said she specializes in finding people's soul mates, thinks online dating can allow people to build up a rapport before they ever meet in person.
One-On-One Matchmaking
Spindel emphasizes the difference between what she does as a one-on-one matchmaker and what most online dating sites have to offer. She charges $50,000 for her services and an additional $50,000 "finders fee" when a relationship works out, and all of her clients are men. "Men are very simple," Spindel said. "You deliver exactly what they're asking for and you leave the rest up to chemistry and the universe," she said.
Callers Ask For Advice
A young man called and asked for advice on how to get started dating, as he has reservations both about traditional dating and online dating. McGrath suggested he join a team or a club, or take up a class. Whenever people seek membership in a community or try something new, they're putting themselves in situations where they can meet new people they wouldn't have otherwise met, she said. "Even if you don't hit it off with that person, it's opening doors to a different social circle," she said.
"Absence of Serendipity?"
Another caller, Joann, decribed the circumstances in which she met her husband, in a Boston nightclub in 1974. "I have some concerns about the absence of the concept of serendipity and magic that comes with meeting people sort of spontaneously," she said. McGrath said it may be true that we're not meeting people in public places as much as we used to. "I have my iPhone. I'm on it all the time. You're walking down the street, you've got your headphones in. So I feel like a lot of that sort of casual interaction where you might spontaneously meet someone is, you know, a
little muted these days," McGrath said. "That magic is such an intangible, surprising, unexpected, unpredictable quality. When we send people out for a Date Lab we're always trying to make a good match, but it never fails to surprise us whether or not people will actually have that chemistry or not have that chemistry," she said.
You can read the full transcript here.
Comments
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If Ms. Spindel does not have women clients how does she find the female end of the match?
Unlike most folks I've talked to, I chose to use Craigslist because people use their own words, rather than filling out a form. You can tell very quickly what one's priorities are, and it's free! I posted my first personal ad three years ago and met a wonderful man three days later. I'm an artist, he's a chemist, so we never would have met otherwise. We are getting married this summer.
I burst out laughing when I heard the fee is, in total, $150K for this "matchmaking" person. Ah, the poor, poor 1% who can't find love. I turned it off at that point, which I have NEVER done to any Diane Rehm show ever, and I've listened for many years. What a joke. However, one good thing came from this, I know have a new found respect for those who manage to parasitize off our poor, overtaxed, overburdened 1%ers in the USA.
$50,000 up front and $50,000 as a "finders fee"? Get that woman off the show. She should be focusing her efforts on bringing her talents to a wider audience. Janis Spindel sounds like she has a gift, but 99.999% of Diane's listeners will be turned off big time by such "fees". It also puts WAY too much pressure on the matched woman to "work out". Bad idea.
I know people who can spend $50,000 or more for matchmaking need love as much as everyone. I would guess many folks that could afford that much probably need a little more help to find someone anyway. It just, maybe, comes off a little haughty for my tastes.
Can you address the issues of race with online and matchmaking. As an african american women, my pool of possible matches is circumscribed & may be influenced by cultural beauty standards. It can be quite discouraging because dating online can mean 4 dates a week for a single white woman and one date a month for me. (Presuming that height weight and former beauty queen status being the same).
very nice. I met my valentine on craigslist too.
If this matchmaker is so great, why isn't a single one of her clients who paid $100K on the show to tell us how it was worth all the money? Sounds like a scam to me.
On line matchups are a dsend to people out of the mainstream. I met my wife of five years through an online service. Both of us were the opposite of the conservative mainstream prevalent in our area & we're both convinced that this is the only way we could have met.
Janis sounds like she hates women. Almost every time she has described a woman she has used very negative terms like "needy" and "desperate." And she refuses to work with women clients. I really question her skills.
I think if I only worked with men who had at least $150K to spend on finding a date, I could find him a date too.
I agree with filthyLIBERAL...what a joke! But I do want to say if anyone in the 99% wants to give me $100K, I will work very hard to find them a match (winkwink). Most of us have to spend that $100K on housing, food, healthcare, etc.
Diane you've slipped in quality. I am a long time listener who has come to question the quality of the information provided on your show.
You've jumped the shark
A Yenta, Diane? oh that's right, the 1%. Monsanto, Mars, the Fracking Industry and the 150,000 $ Yenta.
We listen because we have no other choice, but we take your information with a large grain of salt. Kosher salt
So, for 150,000 Ms. Spindel will match a man, who can afford to pay that fee, and who doesn't have any basic social deficiencies, with a woman who's a "realistic fit" for him. You've gotta be kidding.
I feel like I am listening to an ad for the matchmaker's dating service. She's so stridently promoting it--and why, if she has so many high-profile clients? Also, my "clairvoyance" tells me she really does not like women at all. And the part about women being "needy"....ecch. And the part about gay women tells me she's discriminatory.
This has to be the least worthwhile hour I've ever listened to on a show I make sure to catch every time I can. I'm happy this woman has made a successful career for herself, but do I need to hear an hour-long sales pitch? Has she spoken of anything on the topic of "matchmaking" other than that she is good at it and if you want it done right you should come to her? This seems a very out of the ordinary show as Ms. Rehm is typically very good at controlling topics and not letting guests turn the subject into advertisements or propaganda.
I'm so disappointed by the inclusion of Mrs. Spindell on this show. The kind of men and women that she serves in her high-end match-making service represent so few of us that the takeaway message from her inclusion on the show is, "Give up! You're too poor (if you're a man) or too imperfect (if you're not the type of woman that rich men who can afford $100k for a matchmaking service look for) to find a life partner!" I expected a more reasoned, less ridiculous guest from the Diane Rhem Show.
This is why the job creators need their tax break! Otherwise how could they afford to find love? (and they did create one excellent service sector job that'll put you solidly in the middle class)
I so very much agree with the filthyLIBEARLdotcom remarks !!! I too had to turn off the DR show when Ms. Spindel came on --- which I also have NEVER done before. I turned it on again - only to hear a caller say that she felt Ms. Spindel's suggestions rather "high pressure". I am sorry, but Ms. Spindel "rubbed me wrong" - big time, like rarely a guest of Diane's does!
Anyways: HAPPY VALENTINE's DAY!
I think the key to finding a good relationship is knowing who you really are. Spend the time to do self-reflection and find out what you are really passtionate about. Once you know this, then you can surround yourself with people and activities who are most likely to bring you into contact with those who you will find interesting and attractive.
I'm working through a book (for the second time) "What Color is Your Parachute" by Richard Bolles in order to do some reflection on choosing an ideal career for me at this point in my life. Although it is not about finding a partner, it is a wonderful tool for self reflection and finding out who you are on so many levels. I've found this book immensely helpful, both when I read it the first time in my 20's and again now, in my 50's to give meaning and conscious direction to my life.
I'm thinking how helpful these same exercises in the book could be for my middle school daughter. Wish someone had helped me do more self-discovery at this age. Our present culture seems to lack this kind of training in self awareness.
I assumed that she has a pool of "models" that she pulls from since they have to be the whole package. I think Heidi Fleiss had a similar matchmaking service.
$150,000...really??? And where does she find non-needy non self-absorbed women since she won't take female clients. The truth is, very few women have that income. It's all about the $$$ as usual. Disgusting.
The relentlessly self-promoting presentation (because that's what it was, a sales presentation) by Ms. Spindel really grated on my nerves. She strikes me as the typical American self-made millionaire - find a need/weakness, and exploit and promote the hell out of it. $50,000 for a date, indeed - someone who makes that kind of investment WILL be committed to a relationship.
This guest was only interesting as a curiosity, and she did hog most of the air time. (I could tell the other two guests were a little miffed.) But this topic of dating, online and off, in the modern world happens to be an important one, and perhaps someone of more substance would have been more appropriate for the show.
I have to say this is about the dumbest/worse show you've ever had Diane. Maybe not the shows topic itself but the guests definitely, especially Janis Spindel: your arrogance rings through every word you say. You must be single you hoity-toity muny grubbin blank. I agree with all other commentors - I burst out laughing at the "up-front finders fee" and turned the show off immediately after to comment on the stupidity. Any man flapping around $100,000+ looking for a date would have women running up like the nut-cases at a Walmart sale, and most any would 'modify' their interests to stay with Mr. MoneyBucks.
Seriously Diane, why didn't you try get better guests like representatives from eHarmony or Match.com? At least they are reputable - and everyone can afford them.
Ick. I think it's safe to say Janis Spindel definitely doesn't like women. Why would she set men up with these horrible beasts? From Naples News:
"One day, my husband asked me why I worked with women. ‘Women are high maintenance,’ he said. ‘They’re annoying, they’re whiny and they’re mean-spirited. They call in the middle of the night and need you to hold their hand. Why do you work for women?’"
From USA Today:
"she dropped women as clients. 'The women were very needy, very high-maintenance, and they seemed to nag,' says Spindel."
After checking her website, where women are supposed to go to apply to be one of her candidates for the rich and famous I found:
Step # 1: $200 for a 30 minute consultation
# 2: $1000 for a one on one interview
# 3: $10.000 + for a Learn from the Master course
On the show, I believe it was implied that women could simply go online and fill out an application. Not so fast ladies.....
A scam? Not sure. Oh my!!
While Ms. Spindel's "clients" are all men, I wonder who she makes more money from? Men or women? How many women does she have on her books who paid $200, $1000, $10,000 or more for each male "client"? It is made clear on her website that your chances of getting a man who will pay $50,000 or $500,000 to be matched with a woman are greater if you are willing to pay more.
For $25,000 a woman can get 2 nights with Janis to "up her dating game" . . . Doesn't that sound like a client? The fees for women appear to be very high, just without the guarantees she offers men to match them up.
Diane, it doesn't look like you and your staff did their usual job of before show research and legwork to be able to ask the tough questions? You allowed Ms. Spindel to make misleading statements, e.g., suggesting that women didn't have to pay . . Very " un-Diane"
While Ms. Spindel's "clients" are all men, I wonder who she makes more money from? Men or women? How many women does she have on her books who paid $200, $1000, $10,000 or more for each male "client"? It is made clear on her website that your chances of getting a man who will pay $50,000 or $500,000 to be matched with a woman are greater if you are willing to pay more.
For $25,000 a woman can get 2 nights with Janis to "up her dating game" . . . Doesn't that sound like a client? The fees for women appear to be very high, just without the guarantees she offers men to match them up.
Diane, it doesn't look like you and your staff did their usual job of before show research and legwork to be able to ask the tough questions? You allowed Ms. Spindel to make misleading statements, e.g., suggesting that women didn't have to pay . . Very " un-Diane"