Eric Klinenberg: "Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone"
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2012-02-06/eric-klinenberg-going-solo-extraordinary-rise-and-surprising-appeal-living-alone
In 1950, four million American adults lived alone. They represented nine percent of all U.S. households. Today, thirty-one million live alone … twenty-eight percent of all households. For the first time in centuries, the majority of all American adults are single. They will spend more of their adult life unmarried than married, and for much of this time they will live alone. The global numbers of people living alone is also skyrocketing, especially in urban areas of the Scandinavian countries, western Europe and Japan. A New York University sociologist examined the factors behind this trend, and how it is transforming our communities. He joins Diane to discuss the challenges and opportunities of the biggest demographic shift since the baby boom.
Guests
Eric Klinenberg
professor of sociology at New York University and editor of the journal "Public Culture."
Program Highlights
For many adults, the prospect of living alone sparks anxieties about isolation, but a seven-year study by New York University sociologist, Eric Klinenberg, found people who live alone actually become more socially active and civically engaged. He's just published a book about the
extraordinary rise and surprising appeal of living alone.
Paying A Premium For Living Alone
Klinenberg said that living alone is often much more expensive than living on one's own - so much so that in the developed world, getting a place of one's own is a sign of success. According to Klinenberg, Washington D.C. is the epicenter of solo-livers, with almost half of all households one-person households. In Paris, (the "city of lovers," Klinenberg notes) more than half of the households have just one person; and in Stockholm the figure is more than 60 percent.
Lifestyles Of Those Who Live Alone
Some might assume that those who live alone are more isolated and have fewer friends, but Klinenberg said that on average, they are more socially connected to friends and neighbors than people who are married. "Married people tend to hunker down and stay home," he said. There is also a distinction between living alone and being alone, and yet a further distinction between living alone and being isolated or lonely, Klinenberg said.
The Design Of Our Living Spaces And Neighborhoods
"One of the things I'm concerned about is that our suburbs are really designed for a different lifestyle than the one that we live today," Klinenberg said. "They're not designed for a world where so many people are living alone, and unfortunately, we're seeing a whole generation of people who raised their families in the suburbs now have their children gone, perhaps they lose a spouse or get separated, or maybe they're married and they're together, they don't fit where they live anymore," he said. The suburbs can be particularly isolating for people, which is one reason why many people who live alone are drawn to the density of cities, he said.
Do Men And Women Approach Being Alone Differently?
Diane wondered how men and women view living - and being - alone. Klinenberg said decades of social research have revealed that women generally do a better job of making and keeping friendships than men. This has been found to be true for both friend and family relationships. So women are much more likely than men to live alone, Klinenberg said, but they're less likely to get dangerously isolated.
You can read the full transcript here.
Comments
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I have been living alone since my husband died 18 months ago. I have found I do not get lonely, and I have plenty to do organizing and cleaning our house as he was a world class pack rat. My spending patterns are very different from our patterns when my husband was alive.
I appreciate my independence and I do not look back. I have traveled and had the Lap-band, both of which my husband would not have approved. I have found people here to help me with heavy or two-person chores. My family does not live close by and I can visit only once or twice a year.
It seems to me that most women are better equipped to live alone than most men.
I expect to live alone as long as I am physically able to.
Susan Amerson in California
In the last five years, I've lost my father, husband and brother. I find myself isolating myself and even though I have seen a grief counselor and physician, I cannot seem to build a life alone. What is the key to moving forward and accepting "aloneness"?
I have been spending a great deal of time helping take care of aging and ailing parents. I have been amazed by how many elderly are lonely or abandoned by their families in nursing homes. Lots of volunteer opportunities for anyone looking for a way to help.
Also lots of elderly at home alone. Could your guest talk about the elderly over 75/80 and the lonely numbers.
As a young bride, I never thought I'd want to live alone. A few years ago my husband and I lived apart for ten months of the year because of his job. I discovered it was great to be alone! No one interferes my daily routine, I make all the decisions, and I never worry that I made the right choice for dinner. Even though we're able to live together again, I miss the time I had alone.
I don't think living alone is a bad thing. I never had the social skills that would allow me the luxury of a relationship. I find it difficult to make ends meet and I wish I could form a bond with someone. But i'm set i'm my ways now.
I have lived alone most of my adult life. I married once, and remained together with my husband for 15 years. Although the companionship was nice, I much prefer having my own space and doing all that I love in my own way. I read when I want; I watch TV when I want; I take classes every semester; I see my many friends when I want; etc. I am currently retired, but am starting on a new career as a yoga teacher. I am also writing a novel. My life is full.
I have lived alone in a neighborhood in central Durham, NC for almost 10 years. The houses are all close together, and I've found I know more of my neighbors than when I lived in apartment buildings or more suburban settings. There is nothing I enjoy more than sitting on the front steps in the evenings with my dogs, talking with neighbors who are out walking.
I have never been married, never in a serious relationship, I have lived alone since 1990 when I moved out of my parents retirement home. They died in 1997 (mother) and 1998 (father).
What's to become of me when I get in poor health? There's no one to care for me. The only way that someone in my neighborhood would know there is something wrong is when my body starts smelling after death.
It's kinda like Tom Hanks felt in the movie, Castaway.
From the conversation I've heard here, it seems like Mr. Klinenberg is mixing up cause and effect on two issues: I do not agree that most people "choose" to live alone "often at great expense." Some do, but more end up alone becuase they have made other choices--divorce, moving for a job or education--that have led to living alone as a consequence. Once living alone, it is much harder to find a compatible partner/roommate than simply to start socializing and volunteering. In other words, socializing and volunteering is in one's control, whereas living with others (peacefully, at least) is less so.
"Own apartment"?? In New York, Washington, San Francisco, Boston?
Perhaps if you are a hedge fund manager.
I have never been so lonely as I was when I was married. I love being on my own. I can do as I please when I please. There are times when I crave companionship--but they pass. And my social life is much more active then it was when I was married to the very wrong person (for me).
My interest is in the positive side of being alone. I believe that technology is a thorn in our sides. I would like to see the reintroduction of hobbies taken on. Sewing, woodworking, crocheting, jigsaw puzzles, any of a million things that would keep us young and happy, even if we are on our own. Something like a Girl/Boy Scouts for adults, where you could explore different domains of activity with others in a short, intense way.
Hi Diane,
I am now 54 years of age, and I lived on my own since I was 17. I enjoyed living on my own until a few years back I moved in with the man I love. We lived together for a year before we broke up and I really, really miss living with someone now.
I so much enjoyed having someone to come home to, someone to wake up with, someone to just hang around the home with and do projects together.
So now, living alone is very rough on me. I am now lonely, where I wasn't before. Before, I was alone, but not lonely.
Victoria
I too am living alone since my husband died last summer. We were together nearly 41 years and I've never been alone before. Ever. I miss him desperately, but I plan to use this time to concentrate on writing and artwork, things he supported and encouraged but that I never really had enough time for. People think I should move but why? I can afford to stay in our home, I have a very supportive friend and family network, and I am very comfortable being alone--with my cats. I am not hiding in my home--I go out with friends when I want to. I owe my independence to my wonderful husband. I will stay here as long as I possibly can.
Caller just made point I was going to....solitude is not lonliness. I find it to be healthy and beneficial. I strongly encourage adding a dog or two into the mix, best if adopted from the local shelter. If you wind up with 40 cats, though, you need help.
I think it's important to note that living alone is not specifically for single people. More and more I see my peers engaged in long term relationships, where they both have their own places. I think this has to do with the growing decision of deciding to be with someone in a committed long term relationship and not be married. Living in a separate spaces but in a relationship can be much more functional and healthy than being with another person 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I think it's important to note that living alone is not specifically for single people. More and more I see my peers engaged in long term relationships, where they both have their own places. I think this has to do with the growing decision to be with someone in a committed long term relationship and not be married. Living in a separate spaces but in a relationship can be much more functional and healthy than being with another person 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
After raising my children, taking care of my parents, getting my Masters degree, I now have my own condo downtown and its like having my first apartment again, but with more money to decorate and enjoy!
selfish, maybe a bit...
Hello. I've been listening to your show all morning. As a single, 38 year old African American woman, I'm always fascinated with this topic and I'm so glad you wrote about it. We know there has been lots of recent discussions about the plight of the Single Black Female in America and I'm curious, has Eric Klinenberg done any research on the uptick of single African American women who live alone and deal with many different societal and career factors than our white female counterparts when it comes to the possibility of dating and making decisions about relationships, if they are available. I believe our circumstances, experiences, and statistics may be skewed especially since it seems that it's becoming somewhat inevitable that many African American women may NEVER get married, especially if we are looking for someone from our same cultural group. There is also this notion that Black women are "stronger" than others when it comes to dealing with life alone when really we have to much to relate to with our white female counterparts. Yes, we have great careers and social lives and, I for one, love living alone with no children, but there is always this tug of wondering what the future holds and how much longer I may have to live in this state and whether it will end up being by choice or by default.
I always lived with someone (parents, spouses) up to the age of 50. Then alone for 12 years. I guess I had accepted the prevailing idea that living alone was a bad thing. Well, I am still waiting to start feeling lonely. I love having my own space, following my own interests, traveling alone, not having to adjust my life to someone else's needs. I have a job I like and a wide circle of friends. When I travel I am far more likely to have interesting conversations with people I meet than when I was half of a couple. Maybe as I age it will be harder to function alone, but I am willing to deal with that when the need arises.
I do sense, as I listen to your show, that living alone is still being regarded as very much second best or even "wrong". I hope that will change. When I chose not to have children I got called selfish. Now I like to live alone - and I get called selfish for that. So, maybe what I regard as healthy self sufficiency is what other people call selfishness. Yet often "coupled" people, especially young ones, express envy at my lifestyle. What's up with that?
I was listening to the Program there is saying in our part of the world India, living alone is not great the people who cannot take the responsibilities and challenges that you face by marriage agreement only take this path, I am sorry to use the term cowards for these people. Also we say “Swimming across Ocean is easy but not swim through the family and married life. We call them in India Sanyasies, who run away from responsibilities and wonder in this world without any direction and meaning to the life. Marriage and rising the children is challenge everybody should enjoy.
Fascinating discussion - I have been solo for more than 25 years - and I still often feel a bit "less than" socially in this couples-oriented culture. I am often left out of business and social events because I'm not married or coupled. I hope this book helps change that.
I am also doing my part to help solos become more publicly accepted by starting a new online magazine due to launch in mid-February - please look for it on Feb. 15 - it's FlyingHighSolo.com.
This will be a media space free of relationship bias - and will give voice to solos and inspire us with stories of interesting solos doing interesting things.
Feb. 15 - please go to FlyingHighSolo.com
Thank you.
One risk with becoming comfortable with "Going Solo", is the one mentioned recently on NPR--that the person changes their mind wants children and a family, then finds they are unable to have kids naturally and have to turn to either expensive fertility treatments or adoption. As a man who got married later than those around him and for who fertility was not as big an issue as with some women, I have found myself wishing notheless that I had gotten married sooner so I would have more energy for my children both playing with them and child-rearing.
More and more people are living alone, and this trend will only increase...
Then why aren't home builders building domiciles to match this growing demographic?
Almost all housing built recently and currently being built is geared for families, and the
square footage is usually ridiculously large by historical standards.
When are home builders going to recognize the need for affordable single style, pocket size domiciles?
It's a huge market if any one in the business world chooses to address it.
I was married for 20 years and have lived alone for 25. Never ever would I want to live with anyone again. I'm not somebodys maid and/or housekeeper. I do what I want when I want; I make all my own decisions; no one tells me what I should or should not be doing or how I should spend my money. Living alone does not mean a person is alone. I have many friends, family and currently have a younger man in my life who goes home to his own space while leaving me mine. When I want company it is just a phone call away. Whomever decreed people must marry and live two by two obviously never lived alone. It's a myth single people are unhappy. I listen to my married friends gripe and complain and am ever thankful for my living situation.
It was great hearing that someone recognizes what I have experienced.
Divorced over 7 years ago, I have lived alone since. I have been in a committed relationship for most of those 7 years and we have chosen to live separately. When I had the chance to move closer to my mate, I did and we live less than 1 mile apart. We travel together and attend functions as a couple. Many acquaintances probably don't realize we live separately or assume that we live together.
I should mention that we both have been married and raised families who are now adults.
We have chosen to do this for many of the reasons others have noted. Lower stress (more relaxing) and independence.
This has lead to an unexpected result. By living apart we have eliminated many of the petty things that "roommates" have to deal with. Finances, TV viewing choices or whether to turn on the TV and squeezing the toothpaste wrong do not enter our relationship.
It also means that every time we are together it feels like a date, because it is. It is voluntary.
Mr. Klinenberg mentioned that living alone should be named.
I suggest Singularity and relationships like ours be called Mutual Singularity.
A friend just contacted me and said this program was about me. I missed it due to some freelance work I was doing so my friend sent me the link. Yes, this is me. My husband died almost four years ago and I was living in a condo community in a town where I'd lived for over 45 years. But I realized I had this chance to be my own person, to step out of my comfort zone. So I sold my house, packed up and moved 600 miles away. I'm not one of those "Hedge-fund" rich people someone here mentioned. Actually I'm a 72-year-old woman who is living in the DC area completely on my teachers retirement and social security. I'm involved in several community groups and volunteer for several organizations. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE LIVING ALONE and I do it by choice. I'm having a ball. I do have a son and his family who live about an hour away but I have my own support system here. I have great neighbors and I love it here. Every day is a new adventure.
I lost my husband two years ago and like Portia I have found living alone not only comfortable, but rewarding. I've had to learn to do things I never did before and I've had to call contractors when the work was beyond me.
I am extraordinarily blessed with wonderful friends and neighbors who constantly offer assistance and worthwhile advice.
No, I'm not often lonely thanks in part to my devoted dog and daily phone calls from my daughter and granddaughter.
When I got married in the mid 1960s, it was not unusual to go from the home of one's parents to the home one made with one's spouse without a "single" time in between. I'm finding a strength and confidence in living alone that I never knew existed and I'm exploring many new social avenues that I might not have while my husband was alive. I now play tennis, I've joined book discussion groups, I attend courses at the local university and I teach knitting at a local shop.
All things considered, being single is much more positive than I ever imagined it could be!
I only just had the chance to listen to this on podcast, and I was so happy that you addressed this topic. I have lived alone for most of the 14 years since my divorce, but I have never been lonely. I have more friends now, because they are not just "couples friends". I was never so lonely as when I was alone in the room with my ex-husband. Hurray for living alone!
For those who struggle to adapt to this new way of living, may I suggest a dog or a cat? It's really hard to be lonely or feel unloved when you live with a labrador retriever!
I'm enjoying the rise of "singleness" awareness. Last year, I finished a cookbook for solo cooks, and found myself drawn into the world of singlism, flying solo, quirkyalones, and other vibrant ways living as alone and loving it. After years of living along, I already knew that I had more energy to engage with my community and world when I live alone, and, honestly, I've very much enjoyed hearing other people's perspectives, researchers' results, and conversations around how to live alone in a society still oriented to two kids and two parents.
Throughout my life, I will live alone numerous times, although not necessarily always. Great joy can be found, if you look! (Although I would dearly love a dishwasher, and the budget to hire a housekeeper... Somedays doing it "all" is frustrating.)
Stephanie Bostic
one bowl: simple healthy recipes for one
http://onebowlcookbook.com