Boomerang Kids
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2011-12-13/boomerang-kids
The number of Americans living in multigenerational households has been on the rise in recent years. Census data shows 5.9 million adults between 25 and 34 years of age currently live at home with their parent. That's an increase of almost 26 percent since before the recession. Most of those young adults moving back home are men. As the unemployment rate soars and the job market for recent graduates tightens, the number of adults returning to the nest may grow. But this may add to the financial burden facing many parents already having a tough time in this economy. What the trend in boomerang kids means to families and society.
Guests
Linda Perlman Gordon
Psychotherapist in private practice in Chevy Chase, co-author of "Mom Can I Move Back in With You?"
Carolyn Hax
Washington Post advice columnist
Katherine Newman
the James B. Knapp Dean of the Krieger School of Arts and Sciences at Johns Hopkins University, and the author of the upcoming book, "The Accordion Family: Boomerang Kids, Anxious Parents, and the Private Toll of Global Competition."
Jennifer Pape
23 years old, who graduated from the University of Wisconsin-Madison in August and moved back in with her parents
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Program Highlights
Since the recession began, there's been a huge jump in so-called "boomerang kids," adults who move back in with their parents. Recent census data show that 5.9 million Americans between 25 and 34 have returned home. This affects individual families and society, and it raises questions about the value of a college degree as well as the state of our jobs crisis.
"Boomerangers" Not Just a Result Of Poor Economy
Though many recent college graduates have found it necessary to move back home due to a combination of student loans and difficulty finding a job, experts say this trend started anew around 2004, before the start of the recession. Linda Gordon theorizes that part of the explanation for the trend is that this generation of youth are less sure of career paths, get married later, and generally delay some traditional rights of passage that we have used to mark adulthood. "Home is comfortable, and there is a bit of a lack of generation gap between their parents. They like their parents," Gordon said.
The Economy's Role
The sociological factors Gordon cites aside, advice columnist Carolyn Hax said the people she's hearing from are the "failure to launch" youths for whom the economy has no place right now. "A lot of them are washing up at home to the great dismay and distress of their parents," Hax said, citing substance abuse and other social problems, too. Young people with these kinds of problems who might have been able to get by on their own in better economic times aren't making it now, and are looking to home for a safe haven, Hax said.
The Upsides To Moving Back In
Despite the financial or social hardships that drive some to move back home, many adult children find some positive sides to living with their parents again. "If they are piling up experience in unpaid internships or trying their wings in jobs that have some prospect for a happy future, it creates the opportunity for parents to be parents without all the surveillance obligations they had when their kids were teenagers," Kathleen Newman said. One big downside for parents, though, is that those who were looking forward to being "empty-nesters" find themselves on a different trajectory with adult children unexpectedly back in the house.
Older Boomerangers
One caller shared his story of being a 64 year-old man who had lost his job, his house, and his wife. He recently moved back in with his 84 year-old mother. "If it wasn't for my mom taking me in, who knows where I'd be," the caller said. "I'd be in a homeless shelter or sleeping under a bridge," he said. Newman replied that the listener's story highlights one of the "horrendous tolls" of the prolonged recession - the fragility of Americans across the board and in every age group. In poorer families who may have less space than wealthier ones, tensions and conditions can be much worse. "How families adapt to this depends a lot on the resources that they have on the table," Newman said.
You can read the full transcript here.
Comments
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Redundant thinking! Why advertise (normalize) misery and inconvenience of which we are all already aware? Textbook case of bourgeoise manners? Kinky sex in Mommy's bed?
See my post from tomorrow's show about new trends in education.
Too much information about your parents? Hodi-ho-ho!
It's a really important and new aspect of our society. Adult children living with their parents is a natural consequence of the housing squeeze and the economic times. I think the young people accept it better than the boomer generation did.
I do think that both parties need to think of the relationship as one of "housemates, " with all the implied sharing of responsibilities for the tasks of maintaining a home. My book "Sharing Housing, A Guidebook for Finding and Keeping Good Housemates" (http://www.sharinghousing.com/book )describes the areas in which there needs to be clarity and agreement about how things are done. With families there are already understood norms - but what about guests? Noise? kitchen use? Bills? I also have a questionnaire http://www.sharinghousing.com/housemate-questionnaire with 13 multiple choice questions. This questionnaire can be a a starting point for a conversation about the critical areas of cooperation in living together.
If the families can work out living together with love and generosity it's can be a great thing for everyone. This is true also for retired folks and elderly folks. Delighted that you are talking about it on the show!
I found myself excited to hear this story. I am 33, have TWO masters degrees, been unemployed for over a year and have found this to be an amazing opportunity. I moved in with my brother to help with his children while his wife was serving in Iraq, and now I have moved in with my parents and find myself able to help them do the things that they are no longer able to do on their own. I refuse to see either of these situations as a negative thing, rather they are an opportunity that I am grateful for. Of course a job would be nice too!
When you have generations of children that are led to believe that everything about them is special. They graduate from kindergarten, elementary, middle, and high school.
They seem to have no work ethic and take where they live, how they live, and what they have for granted.
It is all part of the unraveling of society. Having been a substitute teacher, in addition to my career, I've seen a total loss of social grace and respect for society and valid authority.
I do not understand your post Grady.
We have 2 sons 24+, still dependent on us while pursuing professional degrees. They could not do this on their own. On the other hand I was also the child of 2nd generation immigrants where it was the norm for the children to stay home, even when married, contribute to the household and save money until they could afford to buy a home. Have we come full circle?
I was between these two trends: I left home early, lived frugally, saved enough money to go to school and later buy a home.
Was I the aberration?
Well Bryan you argue a general conversation with your specific circumstance. It isn't about you but more about the lack of opportunities that existed for generations.
The United States is perhaps the only country where multi-generation households are not the norm. It makes every kind of sense to pool resources under one roof: grandparents providing childcare for grandchildren, adult children paying rent/utilities, shared responsibility for chores/house maintenance, etc. Why do we stress the importance of children "making it on their own" beginning at the age of 18?
As a college professor, I believe that the prolonged adolescence we are seeing in our millennial generation is just as much a factor in the whole failure to launch phenomenon that is the subject of today’s show. I really believe that this crop of 20-somethings really do not want to go through the “struggles” of young adulthood where you live in an apartment with roommates or you take on whatever job you can to support yourself (so long as it’s legal of course). These kids do not want to “grow up” and would rather delay leaving the comfortable environs of mom’s and dad’s where there are no responsibilities and none of the struggles that their elders may have endured in their quest toward “figuring it out”. I just see this phenomenon as more of an extension of this generation wanting everything instantly and with minimal struggle and effort. I would add that I myself am an Xer who supported herself throughout college and graduate school, and who’s own parental situation was such that moving home for me was not an option at all! I bet these same kids who claim that can’t afford to live on their own have designer clothes, iPhones and all the other latest technological gadgets and simply do not want to sacrifice their entitled lifestyles to make it on their own!
Good Morning, I moved in briefly with my parents after my second daughter was born. That was 20 years ago! I was living in San Diego and was making $7/hr. In 2009 I was let go from my middle management position that I had for many years. I was making a decent wage at the time but once i lost my job there was basically no way for me to get a job in my field at best starting wage here in AZ is $8.00/hr. 20 years later the costs have gone up but wages haven't.
I absolutely agree with the coming in late problem. During the times that my adult children had to move back into my house, I never slept well, and was constantly on guard until I heard them arrive safely home. I would even call their cells phones if it got too late!
Why assume the trend is entirely negative? As a parent of 2 boys, I often talk with other parents about how I don't feel that nuclear families were ever the way things were meant to be. To have one set of parents be 100% responsible for caring for children 24/7 and have to put single every single meal on the table and pay every bill and do every household chore is a terrible way to live. My partner and I have not had a 24 hour period away from both our children in the 12 years since the first one is born. I would love the support that we could both give and receive from our parents if our society did not expect families not to live together.
Our son moved back home in September after struggling to survive with a retail job after not being able to land a job in his chosen field. His rent was raised and the decision was made for him to move home and try to get restarted here. It has been an adjustment but I think it will be more typical as time goes on and college educated young adults have a harder time finding full time employment. It was a brave decision on our son's part to give up his "adulthood" to come home but we strive to treat him with respect and he has been respectful to our household. My mother told us the story that when she was growing up it was normal for families to live together, even after marriages. Multi-generational families will be the new normal.
I am a 51yr old single parent of two. my daughter is autistic and require the need to fight for needed care. I am in court as children mother is well of but very abusive and in denial of our daughters autism. I am not working now and my 74 year old RN mother is helping support me from a distant. I do not live at home but know that I have drained her resources as I look for work. Thank god for my mother even though she lives far away so living at home is not an option. Support comes in many forms even if you do not live at home. I do not feel good about this but thank God for Moms.
The subject matter of this show is outrageous....we have 18 and 19 yr olds leading men and women in Iraq and Afganistan in combat and you are talking about someone living at home and the parents hearing the door slam....get real....its all about maturity and accepting responsibility.
My kids are 14 and 16. I cannot wait for them to move out. I love spending time with them- talking, playing games, listening to their music- but I am sick and tired of the responsibilities of parenthood. I hate cooking, cleaning, shopping... Sure, I could make them do it, but, if you expect teenage boys to clean house, you are going to live in a pig sty.
There is a major university ten minutes down the road. Many people tell me how great it would be for my kids to live at home while they go to college. Fine, they can have the house. I'll move out.
I agree with Jennifer. She's more positive about the experience than the psycologist. My nephew graduated from Cal Poly as an engineer and got a job, but is staying with his parents just to save money. This doesn't make him any less an adult. My sister and brother-in-law enjoy having him for a little longer, closer, in their lives. And he has told me he's happy with it for now and knows that at some point he will move out, but not yet, so he can save money. Your psychologist is too negative and sees problems in everything. My nephew's experience is very close to Jennifer's.
I am listening to today's show getting ideas of how not to raise my child. I think some of these people are not willing to struggle and feel entitled to their parents wealth.
My father passed away when I was newly married in my mid twenties and my 58 year old mother couldn't handle living alone. So my husband, of now thirty years, agreed to move back to my hometown and get a house, our first and only, with a mother in law suite. Over time we raised four daughters who were lucky enough to live in a multi-generational family and sadly this summer after 26 years my mother is now in a nursing home with Alzheimers. My children have a very close relationship with her and over the years thought of her as a third parent. My husband is a saint! We are very lucky. I don't worry about my old age because all of my kids have told me that they will take care of us as we age. By the way, all four girls are in their twenties, gainfully employed or in college and we understand that their student loans are a family concern so we will take care of each other.
question: why are parents off the hook here? if they had taken advantage of forward planning opportunities or tax credits or not over-valued the comments to their children over last eighteen years about too expensive college costs, then these twenty-something and thirty-somethings wouldn't be so overburdened with college expenses! The parents ought to consider this as paying it forward to the 'family'.
The perspective being offered seems mostly negative. Have your guests thought or reserched the ways in which this reunifying of families will have a long term postitive effect? Many of the social difficulties that exist today are a result of families accepting the reality of living further apart, both geographically and emotionally.
The perspective being offered seems mostly negative. Have your guests thought or reserched the ways in which this reunifying of families will have a long term postitive effect? Many of the social difficulties that exist today are a result of families accepting the reality of living further apart, both geographically and emotionally.
Is this just a middle class thing? It has seemed more the norm for lower class families for the children to live nearby or with their parents in a dual household. Are there any examples of older parents who are forced to move in with their adult children because of the economy?
Being a 28 year old male individual I can understand why many of these individuals would want to move back to home. There is the cost of college and many individuals have financed a large portion of their education through debt, myself included. However I really don't feel that we are helping individuals by letting them move back home. Maybe this is ok for a short period of time, say a few months, while they are searching for employment and a place to live, but in the long run it is not productive. I think that this changes the thougt process that we grow into. It does not allow us to make mistakes and learn from our failures. While no partent wants to see their children fail, it is a necessary part of the learning process in life. We take away the ability to allow us to make decisions through a critical thought process that is necessary. I think that it hurts us overall as a society more than it helps us. I think that a lot of these parents should read The Millionare Next Door and really take note of what it talks about. Individuals my age use their parents as a crutch, and they should really be learning how to live as an adult on their own. As a full disclosure I have been in my current employment for 4 years, have bought a house, and don't ask for any assistance financially from any family member.
Please talk about unpaid internships. My son had a job last summer at a magazine in NYC which had 8 paid employees and 28 unpaid interns. We supported him financially to get this experience.
Now he has graduated with high honors and accolades from his graphic design program, the entry level jobs he would be getting are being occupied by unpaid interns.
It is hard to support him generating confidence to now have to work in a full time minimum wage job outside of his field and find time to still look for work in his field.
He is embarrassed and frustrated about having to accept support from his mom and dad.
He really doesn't want to come home. He feels it would be failing.
I am 25 and living at home. I stayed home and commuted to college and I did the intern to job thing. Now I have a well-paying job and I am in the process of buying my own house and then I hope to move out after having a bit of a difficult internal struggle with the idea of doing that before getting married. I know many men living at home who are unmotivated, uninterested in really trying to get a job that could support them, or deal with struggle, and they seem to have no desire to get married and start their own families, leaving us to start this all on our own.
I can't believe you let the comment pass that she went out with friends and on vacation to give her parents privacy. If you're doing that, you probably have money you could be using to pay down your debt or toward rent. This is why I am unsympathetic with so-called boomerang kids. The lifestyle expectations are too high.
Back in the recession of 1983 I graduated from the University of South Carolina. I found work but my income was insufficient to pay off my student loans. My parents offered me the privilege of living with them for a couple years.
In the last few years I've had the opportunity to return their generosity. My mother suffered a series of strokes and without direct assistance from family she would have required an extended care facility.
My wife and I welcomed my mom into our home where she died peacefully this past spring.
While the focus of this show is on boomerang kid, please understand there is a broader issue of family helping family and many of these "kids" may one day have an opportunity to return the favor.
I have had both of my daughters move home. The first was 22, she moved in after college graduation for 8 months until she was established in her career, the second was 27, she moved in after 4 and half years in Africa; the Peace Corp and then working for a non-profit. She moved her Moroccan fiancee in with her for part of the stay, they married and moved out after 4+ months and she got employment.
I would say it was 90% positive. The sleeping issue is so true. Why one can be across the world and it not impact my sleep, but in my house and keep me awake, makes no sense.
The key is respect and communication. Making sure expectations are clear and boundaries are respected, remember that relationship is paramount, and having a fairly large house really helps.
I had to redefine my role...and let go of a lot. Both of my girls are doing fantastic!
@ WillCarp: To piggyback on your suggestion about reading the Millionaire Next Door, I must say that I am reading that very book now, and the doctrines the authors espouse about frugality and hard work seem counterintuitive in our own day and time with our microwave attitudes and "want-it-all-now" society. Like this young lady who claims to be living at home to pay off student loans, yet, she mentioned a trip she took to New York? My retort, if you've got the money for that, you've got more money than you may want to admit to support yourself. Kudos to you for your independence and I think your future progeny will be all the better for your approach to life!