Apology
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2010-07-15/apology
Diane and her guests discuss the the critical components of effective apologies and why public apologies seem to be on the rise.
Guests
Lauren Bloom
an attorney and the author of “The Art of the Apology.”
Dr. Aaron Lazare
a professor of psychiatry and Chancellor/Dean Emeritus of the University of Massachusetts Medical School and author of “On Apology.”
Randy Cohen
author of the Ethicist column in the New York Times Magazine and a new play titled, "The Punishing Blow."
Comments
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An apology never seems sincere when someone apologizes for "what happened." The phrase seems to distant the speaker from the situation and thus removes any responsibility from the speaker.
My comment is not about a public apology, but a private one.
I still remember an incident when I was a teenager when I had a huge fight with my father over something I had done. I don't even remember what it was that I did. What I do remember, to this day, is my father coming to me when I had closed myself in my room & refused to talk to him & saying "I'm sorry we faught".
He was not implying that I was right or he was wrong. We still disagreed, but we kissed & made up. He stood firm on his principle, but it was his way of letting me know he loved me in spite of myself.
I always felt that being able to apologize the right way is a sign of strength, not weakness.
The lesson I see taught over and over again in the public arena is that apologies make things worse for the person in the spotlight. Apologies put blood in the water and all those who sat by and did nothing suddenly attack. Those who had demanded the apology in the first place become emboldened and demand repentance. They demand that the humanity of the person apologizing be removed. They demand humiliation and destruction of that individuals privacy, career and much of their public life. They go from victim to abuser in an instant.
The lesson is clear to me. Never apologize.
Over the fourth of July weekend my neighbor's son and two friends we shooting off bottle rockets and firecrackers. After all the fireworks Sat. and Sun. my dogs were too firghtened to go out. I walked back and yelled over the fence asking them to hold off for ten minutes so my dogs could relieve themselves. They said ok. A few minutes later they were at the fence rubbing my dogs' ears and all three apologized for shooting off the bottle rockets. They also said they noticed that the pieces from the bottle rockets were in my yard and they went around and picked them all up. It renewed my faith in the future.
I went to law school, I have taught in a law school, and I have never heard a professor say that someone should never apologize. I've never seen a book on trial law that says tell your client to never apologize. I think it's bad lawyering.
I have also never heard of an apology being used in court: "But your honor, he apologized." I've never heard of an apology being used even to contradict the witness on the stand. There are so many reasons that can be given as to why a person might have apologized even though they didn't think they did anything legally wrong. The person could also say, I thought it was my fault but I was wrong.
These explanations would be very believable to a jury and may backfire on the person bringing it up because the defendant looks like a good person.
I don't know who started
One of the guests spoke of the value of apologizing to ourselves. I have been using that healing tool for over 20 years in a variety of ways and finally connected with the healing potential in those words after I learned the Hawaiian blessing called ho’oponopono, which can be learned in the book “Zero Limits”, by Hoe Vitale and Dr. Hew Lin. In short, when we witness something we can realize that by witnessing the event it is not just out there. It is actually in us too. Then I can take 100% responsibility for my part in helping to create the event, which by the way does not negate the responsibility of the others involved. After acknowledging my responsibility, I say to myself… I am sorry, I forgive you, Thank you and I love you.
We have the big "IF" inserted into apology because, plainly put, the individual giving the apology doesn't believe it's something he or she should be apologizing for. "If I offended you," is merely saying "You are offended by something I personally do not find offensive," and the person apologizing doesn't feel that it's worth apologizing for. We tend to forget in our search for scapegoats and forced apologies that just because someone has committed a transgression or wrongdoing, it does not necessarily mean an apology is owed. If an individual is not sorry for his or her actions, it does not behoove us as a society to bring out the torches and pitchforks and demand an apology.
Sometimes I wonder if we would all strengthen as a society if we would stand up and rather than offer vestigial apologies say, "I did it, I intended to do it, I'm not sorry for doing it. I will act in a manner that I deem to be fit, and I hope you will agree with my future decisions." At least this way the individual retains a sense of public integrity (though risks inciting the mob), because let's face it, they are almost always on the cusp of losing their job anyway when the country is up-in-arms demanding an, "I'm sorry."
It's hard for me to take Randy Cohen seriously when he acknowledges a seven year employment tie to David Letterman then commenting on his on air apology. C'mon. He should have recused himself. If felt like a case of avoiding burning a bridge.
My Father (one of the Greatest Generation) had three rules to live by - Tell the Truth; Your Word is Your Bond; Take Responsibility for Your Actions.
I always found that if I could just keep the first rule and be a truth teller the other two follow easily.
Melody Specht Kelly
KERA 90.1 Member
Forty years ago, a 6 or 8 panel Sunday newspaper cartoon by Jules Feiffer was a beautiful comment amount apologies. It showed a sad looking man in front of a judge's bench using 'perfect' words to apologize for something and the final frame shows him - hat on, cigarette clenched between his teeth, walking away from the bench (in a 'determined' manner) saying "Justice triumphs" . I want to find it. Does anyone remember this or have seen it?
An apology has to be immediately delivered after the offense has been recognized for it to have any effect. Not after consulting lawyers or publicity reps.
The issue is not that people have a difficult time admitting they are human, as one of your guests suggests (because people have always had such a difficulty), but rather because we are in a painfully long era of each child being raised by parents and taught in school to believe that he or she is the "best,"--brilliant, talented and capable of any and everything, and never wrong, just different. If someone is fed this misguidance, why should he or she be sorry for anything?
The issue is not that people have a difficult time admitting they are human, as one of your guests suggests (because people have always had such a difficulty), but rather because we are in a painfully long era of each child being raised by parents and taught in school to believe that he or she is the "best,"--brilliant, talented and capable of any and everything, and never wrong, just different. If someone is fed this misguidance, why should he or she be sorry for anything?
I hold apolizies as very important in keeping me a decent person... but I have run into those people that wont accept them... I find this offensive. What about the accepting of one that is genuine!!! I feel that it should be important lessons for people also.
LilPonder wrote: "I hold apolizies as very important in keeping me a decent person... but I have run into those people that wont accept them... I find this offensive."
I don't find it offensive. It depends on what the original offense was.
An uninsured drunk driver totals your car which only carries liability insurance leaving you with no car. Should you feel obliged to accept his sober up apology without his offering to buy you a replacement car?
Should a violent crime victim feel obliged to accept the apology of their assailant?
The apology is for the recipient and not the giver.
Randy Cohen was recently lambasted across the feminist blogosphere for somehow being insensitive to transgender individuals and even recommending outing one.
He of course did nothing of the sort.
But given the power and political correctness of feminist victimology, will Randy Cohen end up apologizing, and if so, how will he avoid the "If"?
And if not, will Katha Politt defend him?
A few months ago, a very good friend of mine attempted suicide while I was sleeping next to her in bed. When I awoke to find her bleeding on the sheets and unable to wake because of the drugs she took, I was forced to take her to the hospital. It was a traumatizing experience and made me wary of her friendship.
A few weeks later she sent me an apology via text message. She said she was sorry for what she put me through but she claimed to not remember exactly what happened; she claimed to have blacked out.
I was angry with her for two reasons. First, she owed me more than a text message. She put me through a terrible ordeal, but couldn't bring herself to apologize to my face. To me, text message apologies are rarely ever appropriate. Secondly, she seems to still not take responsibility for her own actions. Even though it is possible she blacked out, it was still her doing and she needs to accept this.
Apologies aren't supposed to be easy, but in this situation and others like it, they are a necessity.
I was amused at the seeming consternation over "Stranger Apologies". They are the easiest to make. There is no emotional baggage involved.
I was just listening to this in the car on the way home. I can agree with as much as I have heard about possible future legal fall-out, parental authority being questioned, issues of self esteme... but I think one rather large aspect has been neglected in this discussion on the state of the apology:
At least in modern America, I feel that for decades now there has been a culture of entitelment.
True, it is a part of core priciples that are stated in the Costitution that a person was the right to feel and express what is "true" to him or herself.
However, somewhere over the past decades there seems to have been a shift in personal thinking that "If I want it, it is right. If someone else does not agree, they are wrong... too bad if they feel or get hurt along the way."
I believe this sense of self-entitlement is a big reason folks don't express words of apology. More and more of us ( perhaps) really don't care what others feel or how they are affected by our individual actions.
Also we have become something of a disposable society. If something stops working or we don't like it anymore, we just trash it and replace it. Perhaps people also feel little more need to apologize to a wounded individual than to a cup they dropped and broke, before tossing it in the trash.
I would be interested to find out if anyone else sees any merit in these arguments and do not claim it to be the "answer(s)," only other factors that I did not hear discussed while I was able to be listening.
Love the show BTW, no matter what is being discussed....
In English we need two words for "sorry." I can tell my neighbor that I'm "sorry" her cat died. If I cheat on a test, I use the same word to apologize to my teacher. As long as "sorry" serves both purposes, it will come across as weak and less than proportionate to the wrong that has been committed. We need separate words for regret (passive) and remorse (active).
Excellent point. Would love to hear suggested words.