Ayelet Waldman: "Red Hook Road"
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2010-07-13/ayelet-waldman-red-hook-road
A best-selling author on the unexpected consequences of grief. Ayelet Waldman's new novel describes how the tragic death of a newlywed couple devastates two families but leads to personal revelations and unlikely friendships.
Guests
Ayelet Waldman
author of 10 novels, including "Love and Other Impossible Pursuits," and a memoir on motherhood, "Bad Mother."
Comments
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When growing up, my mother often would say "Your father comes first, he is my husband," no matter the times he mistreated my mother and was not a good husband or father: he came first. We knew this and understood. Mom would choose dad first. I did not grow up loving my mother less, I love her dearly. It was not so easy to love Dad, not because he came first as much as it was, he was not always a good person which came from his childernhood and his drinking. Now, I am older I love him dearly for the many wondereous things he taught me, without me knowing it at the time. I miss him greatly and so does my mom.
I just wanted to mention that I personally agree with Ayelet's statement about the hierarchy of affection between a wife and her husband and a mother and her children. Recently, my husband and I were having our baby baptized and the priest mentioned to us personally that even though our children are so important that we should always make sure to appreciate how our marital relationship is really the most important earthly love we will encounter in our lives. I think this kind of statement is shocking to many (including me at the time) because its not what we are used to hearing. But the more he explained and I thought about it, it made sense that one day our children will leave and the entire time we raise them it should only make our relationship stronger.
While as a therapy intern I has a patient who was the mother of the daughter who had the very same thing happen.m The bride and groom were killed on their way to the reception. The mother was post several years and could not get over deaths. The funeral, the bride was burried in her wedding dress and the groom in his tucks! I used this case as a special case study and it led me to work in hospice..... It touched me deeply...and taugut me, the student so much about doing therapy with grief at the deeest level.....
To keep the confedentionality of the client and myseld I'll just call myself by my first name stacy from Flint MI
I was surprised to hear about your controversy over saying you loved your husband more than your children. My husband and mine's best friend's had this same discussion 25 years ago. They were stunned that I said I loved him more as well. My feelings are that I married him out of this perfect love and the kids were a result of that. I didn't marry him just to have those children. We have been married 30 years and have watched them grow into strong, emotionally happy adults that have learned to look at all the angles of a relationship and most importantly HOW TO COMPROMISE!
I completely agree that a married couple should put each their relationship with each other first, before all else, including their children. It is, in fact especially important to put the marriage relationship first so that children are exposed to love, respect, and committment on a daily basis.
I just heard the beginning, and then now.
Grief is something I am stuck in - or have been.
There are so many experiences that bring grief on, for me it was the loss of my baby to adoption in 1970.
I never spoke of it again, and I think that silence makes it unbearable.
Being found after 35 years is helping alot, being able to speak of that pain, but for alot of people grief gets buried. Being a good listener and finding a good aplace to unburden your grief would help each person come to terms with their loss.
Thank you for a wonderful discussion. When I was married to a man with four children--so I was an instant "stepmother," my mother said to me: "Your relationship with your husband must always remain 1st in your list of priorities. The children will grow up and begin their own lives with their spouses. It will be critical to their success to see your marital success and stability."
I can hardly wait to buy and read Red Hook Road!
I have learned in my marriage is that it isn't loving 'more or less' it's loving differently and knowing how to honor both of those loves. I bore my children; i have a bond with them I can't have with my husband. He shares blood with them in a way I never will with him. I CHOSE him to live and love and have babies with, as he did me. I've learned that that is one of the most important choices I've ever made, which allows me to honor the commitment to us as a couple as well as the deep and unending love I have for my children. I feel this is a good thing for our children and that someday, if they so chose, they too, can find a mate they love so well.
Children are important, but the author is correct that you are married to your husband, etc. Motherhood keeps you busy, but your spouse is your romance. John Rosemond, psychologist and advice columnist, talks about the importance of this relationship all too often not in today's young parents' play book. Too bad. On the book, I remember the event and can't wait to read the novel.
I can identify with the statement "your father comes first". I often heard this growing up and while I did not understand it at the time and often resented it- I can appreciate it for what it was and is. My parents married very early in their lives- 19 and 21. They are still married almost 50 years later. As with any marriage, it was and remains with its trials and tribulations. I married late in life- at 43- and although there are no children to consider-it is my intention that my career, my family, my friends- all have a backseat to my husband. How can anyone consider this idea scandalous- if they look at marriage within the context of the commitment? It is separate from children and from all of other commitments. If your intention is to be married for a lifetime- then it stands to reason that your marriage must come first.
I wish, just once, that there could be an interview with Ayelet Waldman when her previous writings about "Bad Mother" would not be included. It seems that half of every interview is devoted to debating/discussing her previous work. I understand it helps unfamiliar readers identify the author, but it becomes so tiresome hearing the same arguments over and over. She's a wonderful writer, lets hear about her current work!
The discussion about feminism and taking your husband's name reminded me of something I read in a book a long time ago. I believe it was written by Harold Kushner. A feminist was asked by her rabbi why she was taking her husband's last name. She replied that she would rather have the name of the man SHE chose, rather than the name of the man her mother chose. In the context of Waldman's book, this speaks both to feminism and choosing to love your husband most - more, even, that your father!
What was the name of the book that is about her best friend that died? I was listening this morning to the interview but didn't catch it