Dealing with a Parent's Early Death
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2010-06-08/dealing-parents-early-death
Church Hill Cemetery, Christ Episcopal Church, Church Hill (Jefferson County), Mississippi
Flickr user NatalieMaynor
The death of a parent can leave emotional scars on a child that last for decades. One in nine American's have been through this type of loss before the age of 20. Helping children cope with the loss of a parent and dealing with childhood bereavement as an adult.
Guests
Lynne Hughes
Chief Executive Officer and Founder of Comfort Zone Camp, author of the book "You Are Not Alone: Teens Talk about Life after the Loss of a Parent."
Mary Owen
Clinical Director of WENDT Center for Loss and Healing
Holly Wilcox
an assistant professor in the Division of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and coordinator of the MHS program, Department of Mental Health, Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health
Comments
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During Sept 11 I wrote a memory journal for my friend to geiver her young children to collect memories andd say goodbye to their father. It was instantly desired, received grants, put into print, versions created, and has been given out for free to over 15,000 and more families worldwide. It went to the Pentagon, therapists, etc. It was adopted and is on the website of the American WW@ veterans-m as they could so relate in their own pain. I have thousands of emails, and created two additional projects- the books took on a life of their own, and are still being given out for free today, 10 years later. I am getting ready to tell my story in a book. The site is loveliveson.org-(although pretty out of date!) and I will send anyone a book. Please contact me.
When my sister-in-law's husband died suddenly of an undiagnosed heart problem leaving two young children it was a tragedy. We still miss him over a decade later. Yet the realization came to me about how similar and yet very different the situation can be a parent would have just packed up and leave the family.
With death there was the grief, but also the public recognition and support of family and friends. There was life insurance money to help support the family. Social Security helped pay school expenses. There is certainly pain but some sense of finality.
With a parent leaving there can be a similar since of loss. Guilt issues can still be very real. There may be no child support and certainly no life insurance. And the finality of death is not there and the possiblity and confusion of the missing parent still lurks out there somewhere. There can be much more grey.
Thanks Chris
My husband was killed in a motorcycle accident last Nov. 2009. We have 2 daughters 8 and 2. I feel very alone, we have not lost any one this close to us in our families. This has been a very hard time for us. My 2 year old misses her daddy, and can't understand why he's not coming home. I'm thankful for hearing your show, I hope that the book recommendations will help me get my children and myself through this.
Cheri O'Neal
My mother died of cancer when I was 18, and a freshmen in colllege. I was the oldest of 5 and my youngest sibling was 7. It took me nearly 29 years to realize I hadn't truly grieved for her. I was 46 and she had been 46,nearly 47 when she died. By that time I was a physician in an abusive marriage of 17 years and had 2 children. I entered counseling and spent many hours going through the stages of grief and as I emerged from that I faced up to the state of my marriage. I seperated and divorced and steadily rebuilt my life. I have never remarried or even dated much. I have struggled to be a "good enough mother to my children", whom are now in college. My youngest brother is now 47 and struggling with depression and has turned to religion in a fundamentalist way. He has left the church his wife and children attend and keeps trying new fundamentalist churches but none of them measure up and now even he doesn't measure up. I am told he thinks he is filled with evil spirits at times. He is on medication and receiving counseling but if the counselor isn't a "good enough" christian he may discontinue He has said he has no memories of our mother. I can't help but believe her death is connected to his problems now.
Children may seem to be dealing with their grief and as a parent you may think they've gotten past it but this is not necessarily the case. My husband passed away when my children were 10 & 6. They had some in-school counseling during his illness and I took them to counseling after their father died. After about 4 months the counselors told us we were fine. The children seemed to go on with their everyday lives and everything seemed fine. After my daughter started high school she began to have "episodes" of anger, depression, etc. She is graduating from high school this month and 8 years later she still struggles with the lose.
As was mentioned earlier in the conversation, changes in parenting style don't just start after the parent passes away. If the parent is ill (as was my husband) your parenting style changes while you're dealing with the illness. For me that was about a year prior to his death. Unfortunately it takes just as long to bring things back around to a your usual style of parenting.
I was 14 when my dad died of heart disease. I was the last person in our family to see him, because school started late that morning. He dropped dead of a heart attack that afternoon I took a few days off for the visitation and the funeral, but went back to school a week later. I never got counseling and now 30 years later, I have moments such as long car drives when I burst into uncontrollable tears thinking about him. I have a deep sense of loneliness that has never abated.
I'd welcome any suggestions for what I can do now to deal with my grief, because I would like to go forward by putting it in a manageable place.
My father died when I was 12. He died 3 days after his 51st birthday. I am going to be 51 in just over 2 weeks. I am expecting an anxious few days. I had a hard time when my husband turned 51 as well. I have a complete memory gap for three months following his death and I know that his dying completely changed my relationship to authority and security - I pretty much don't accept anything outside of myself for those things anymore. I 'm an artist and I did a lot of artwork for many years about my father's illness and death. I believe it helped my to work through emotions that I didn't even know I had. Although, I still cry inconsolably at any funeral I attend.
Allison, I would make sure he knows you are there if he needs to talk. Grief strikes in odd and unexpected ways -- he might see a candy your mom liked or her favorite flower and fall apart. Just be ready for that. Especially with guys, it isn't always easy to talk about these things. My brother and I have never had a single conversation about my father's death. But you should not hesitate to talk about your mom in normal ways, because that also helps keep her present. Good luck to you both.
My son died suddenly less than 2 years ago at age 35 leaving 4 children: a daughter aged 14, an only son aged 6 and 4-month-old twin girls.
My son lost his father to cancer at age 9. He manifested most of the behaviors related in this program, including not outwardly expressing grief, an anger that I'm know he couldn't understand.
He became a teen at the height of the drug/gang phenomenon and became a part of that culture. He had a violence that was totally counter to his true nature.
Now that same boy has died and left a teenage daughter who both adored and was adored by her dad. An only son who was left without a man figure, and the twins to whom he was a care-giver.
My only daughter (she was 11-months older than my son was marred last September.) Her new husband is a jewel and has agreed to bring my grandson into his home.
This entire grief dynamic has many levels of nuances and dynamics that include three baby mamas and other siblings that is too detailed to recount in this forum. However, I felt led to express at least some of the issues related to child grieve from both sides of the parental perspective; having both had a child lose a parent and then become a parent that loses a child.
Hi Denise. I would like to give you a couple of ideas. Tell your nieces you love them. Tell them they can come to you anytime if they need advice or a listening ear. Let them know that you don't want to replace their mother, but that you care.
I lost my mother just before I turned 17, and know I lost the one person who loved me unconditionally. I am now 56 and feel that loss all the time. So letting your nieces know you are there for them will help them greatly. Take care. B.
I lost my father when I was 8 1/2. He died very suddenly after we had spent the day hiking in one of our favorite places. It was a huge shock to everyone. After that, I felt like I couldn't trust anyone to stick around. If my loving father - who spoiled me rotten because I was his only daughter - could disappear on me without warning, what might others do??? It took me many years to be able to have an intimate relationship with a partner. In fact, it wasn't until I was 46 that I finally formed a close bond. I am now very thankful to have a loving and understanding partner.
Thank you, Diane, for airing this program. And, thank you to your guests for acknowledging the significant effects that losing one's parent at an early age can have on young and older adults. I hope that others will appreciate the challenges that many of us continue to face.
My father died in an automobile accident in 1968 when I was 11 years old. I was the oldest of three boys. My mother was only 34 years old.
As the oldest child, I felt I couldn't grieve or show weakness in any way. I became a surrogate father to my brothers and attempted to fill my dad's shoes and support my mom. I became "the man of the house".
I began play a role. I became completely detached from my self and at age 18 was totally lost. I had absolutely no idea who I was or how I was going to find myself. It took years and years of work and psychotherapy to find peace.
It's amazing how similar the experiences and stories are. Guilt, shame, isolation and emotional distance, feeling different are almost universal. This is enormously important work. Another wonderful show Diane.
My wife died 4 months ago from agressive melanoma. I'm now raising our 5 year old son and 3 year old daughter. I really appreciate the discussion as a confirmation of some of the items to look for in the reading I've done. My children and I are attending a support group for kids that have lost a parent. While this may not be everything they need I appreciate that they have the opportunity to have a safe place to express their grief.
At this moment, I cannot even bring myself to listen to the program today. My husband died of leukemia when the girls were 3 and 4. Today they are 31 and 32. Almost everything that goes wrong in their/our lives brings me back to that fact that they grew up without him. Often I believe that I did not do a good job carrying on, that I lacked some crucial component. Neither they nor I have had a successful relationship since then, and we are all nice people. As I am NOT listening to the show, I am guessing that someone is saying that we need professional help. Been there, done that. I have not got the stamina to ask about their pain. I refer to him in passing with a happy memory. Perhaps they talk about it with one another. I will try to read the book when I feel like I can handle it. Thanks for caring about this.
Like many of your listeners today I lost my father at 10 - one day he was home and the next he was gone. I wasn't aware at the time he had cancer, and learned later in my teens he actually died of blood poisoning in the hospital. Soon after his death my mother went to work for the first time in her life and my sister who was 8 yrs older left for college. I was left alone a latchkey kid before it was the norm. To me it was a loss of my entire family and I was the child who tried to make friends and was the kid that was picked on incessantly. Of course at the time there were no outreach programs for kids you were expected to suck it up. This experience tainted my life and relationships for decades.
My father died when I was 17, my mother when I was 47. I think the latter affected me far more than the former. Not that I didn't love my father, but I think the extra 30 years with Mom, created a stronger bond. Then, too, I still had one parent left as a teenager, to say nothing of all the "distractions" and support that came from being in school (etc.), plus I probably was more resilient.
I say this not to doubt the stories told in this article, or posted here, but to point out the obvious: everyone reacts differently, and everyone has a different "life experience" which in turn influences how they react.
In the end, there is one great truth: the only thing we can be sure about in life is that we are all going to die. That should not cause us to crumble in despair, but to treasure and rejoice in the time we have.
Can I recommend a wonderful book on dealing with the illness and death of a parent with a young child: The Goldfish Went on Vacation by Patty Dann. http://www.shambhala.com/html/catalog/items/isbn/978-1-59030-428-0.cfm
Diane, thank you for this show.
My mother died in 1974 when I was 7 years old. I'm one of 5 children. There were no resources then to help children adjust and I'm glad to know this is no longer the case.
In my case the grief is always present and reminders of the missing parent come up frequently - even today. My siblings and I deal with it in our own ways but the effect on our lives cannot be underestimated.
Also in addition to the grief of the children, the grief of the remaining parent, combined with the full responsibility of raising the children, should not be overlooked. I believe my father tried, but it was too much for him - he passed from complications of alcoholism in the 90's.
I lost my mom when I was 10. She had cancer, and my sister and I were sent away, because the end was not pretty. When we returned, she was simply gone. Here's what came of the experience:
Shock. At the announcement my sister and dad cried; I just stood there, stunned. Later I overheard Dad telling a relative that I "took it" better than my sister. Did I?
Disbelief and horror. "No mother? I don't have a mother. Oh no, this isn't a dream!"
Shame. I was different, a freak. No mother. In the family circle and the church, support. Outside, at school, where I spent half my waking life, I felt stigmatized. My dad hired a governess. One day my teacher told me that my governess would pick me up after school. A classmate asked what a governess was. The teacher announced gravely to the entire class that a governess "is for a boy who doesn't have a mother." Everyone in class turned and stared at me. I looked straight ahead, mortified.
Within a year we'd moved to a new neighborhood and school. So, not only was I a fish out of water, but a motherless fish out of water. My dad remarried. She was a beautiful lady, and she was kind to me. But it didn't work out, so they split up.
Dad was a one-woman man and never remarried again. He became a bachelor-father, like John Forsythe or Brian Keith. He dated beautiful women, movie stars, lots of glamour. It was fun and interesting to an impressionable kid, but...
Children have cross-ties to their parents. Mothers are role models to their daughters and nurturers to their sons. Fathers are role models to their sons and nurturers to their daughters. Of course this is a generalization and doesn't always apply, but I think it applies more often than not. Anyway, I needed a nurturer, and my sister needed a role model! My stepmother would have worked, but for my dad suitability for a wife took precedence over suitability for his children's mother.
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My mother was greatly beloved by everyone. She was a "Rebecca" without vices; she was the big looming portrait in the library: an icon, a saint...a ghost.
Here are suggestions from my experience:
The trauma to children is immeasurable. Apparent response is not reliable. Assume the hurt is great.
Remember the shame factor. It's enormous.
When a parent dies, the surviving parent must realize that the dead parent lives on in the child. For the sake of the deceased, marry a parent before a spouse. Make the sacrifice. Don't hire or assign (relatives) proxies.
A church affiliation can be invaluable. It was for me -- not the religious part, but the fellowship, the edifying sermons, the meditation and the music. And when I say church, I mean keep it mainstream, something that will keep a child pointed in the right general direction, as a parent would.
Don't make major changes. Do not move. A kid's familiar turf is an extended comfort zone. The neighbors know, the neighborhood kids know. No explaining, no concealment is necessary, and if there are questions, they aren't from strangers. It may be an ordeal for the surviving parent -- all the reminders -- but again, it's a matter of where your priorities lie.
Love is necessary but not sufficient for parentless kids. There needs to be a plan.
By the way, studies that show that the most statistically significant response to a child's loss of a parent is depression strike me as a bit obvious, a bit fatuous. I hope the guest isn't saying that the non-clinical depression of anyone who loses a loved one needs to be "treated".
Ginger, you are so right. Sometimes the loss of a parent forces self-sufficiency on a child. There's a wonderful New Yorker essay, by Malcolm Gladwell, called, Getting Over It, that everyone here should read.
I think children have even stronger powers of coping than adults, because the despairs of life haven't yet worn them down, and their inner resources remain largely untapped. Bringing these powers to the fore requires the right balance of sympathy and distance. There are times when kids in grief just need to be let alone.
Tomorrow will mark eight months since the death, from lung cancer, of my wife, at 39.
Lbjack, your comment about providing parenting for the children is provocative. My wife and I agreed on the approach that the parents' relationship was paramount and that the children would flourish to the degree that she and I showed love. There needn't be a conflict between wife-as-partner and wife-as-parent.
At 55, I still suffer from my mother's death when I was 11. My dad's subsequent marriages were not based on parenting (another reason I value your observation).
I live in downtown Toronto, where "community services" are phenomenal. Certainly, the immediate community--of friends from daycare, our street, and parenting groups--rallied with immense compassion and practical help. But as I listened to Diane's program a gap became obvious: nobody spoke about government services, which in our situation were so valuable. From hospital outreach to visiting caregivers and doctors.
My employer gave me a year's leave of absence: time away, time together; time for reflection, sorrow, stories; time for some healing.
my beloved father died suddenly of a heart attack when i was 14. my brother was 8. in a few weeks i will be 38, the age my mother was when she was widowed & left to raise us on her own, with no extended family nearby to help. i went through years of therapy in my teens & twenties, but didn't feel whole again until around age 28. in the meantime, i was high-functioning and successful in school, but deeply depressed to the point of desiring death every day. i attempted suicide once, & planned it several other times. you discussed this on the show--that young people who are bereaved of a parent are at twice the risk of suicide--& my own experience was that i could not wrap my mind around a world that didn't have my father in it. he had been, really, the center of my world. and wherever he was, i wanted to be there, even if that was in the ground.
prayers & compassion to all bereaved teens.
Diane, thank you for not only this show but your well run website and smooth audio links. When I woke at 2:00 this morning, thinking about my husband who is currently being treated for testicular cancer and our 5 children, I was so grateful that I could hear this rebroadcast. Thank you.
Sick parents aren't much fun either ... the comment, "grief comes out sideways" resonates with me; watching the odd things my children are doing, especially the youngest (6). We, my husband and I, have started going to a psychotherapist. The ideas the therapist shares with us I share with the children, in my actions. It is helpful during this time of hoping for the best, preparing for the worst and trying to appreciate everything that is so incredibly wonderful around us while working very hard to be healthy and beat the cancer.
lbjack: Thanks for your insights, all of them. I was thinking of moving, even though we have a wonderful home for our kids, and just yesterday drove around neighborhoods closer to their school. My 12 year old was sweet, sad and now I see he was scared. I will take your advice and stay put.
Great show! I lost my Dad when I was 13 and for my PhD dissertation I interviewed the young people who were teens when their parent died on 9/ll. I believe that there is a strenghth that comes from having an early loss. Researchers have explored a theory that they call "post-traumatic growth", where a traumatic experience can result in a positive psychological view. I saw this in my participants in my 9/ll study. They were very empathetic; much more than their peers. My findings are listed on www.lifeshineson.com
Today, I launched an organization called Life Shines On: for those who have lost a parent, and welcome all to visit this site www.lifeshineson.com and become a fan on our Facebook fan page Life Shines On. See the names of others who have lost a parent early (listed on www.lifeshineson). Some examples of post-traumatic growth!
Collabot, indeed there needn't be a conflict between wife (or husband) as partner and as parent. In fact, I couldn't imagine not loving a new wife who loved my kids. A relative told me recently about having lectured my dad, "Those children need a mother!"
You're lucky to live in Toronto. Alas, Americans, with our mindless sloganeering about "socialism," are hostile to the idea of government support -- that is, until we need it. For a time I lived in Denmark, where what you have in Canada is also available. It's not socialism but simply a sense of community. I guess the closest we get down here are the churches and places like Comfort Zone camp. Or, if we're lucky, the endangered species of close-knit neighborhoods.
Hailey, though it's always tough being a single parent, with five children you already have a support group, perhaps with a new mission in the face of loss. My dad once told me that if it weren't for my sister and me he might not have made it. About not moving, fear not -- it's better to find out later that you should move after all than to find out later that you shouldn't have moved.
After decades, and though I live on the other side of the continent, I often find myself journeying back, not just to my hometown, which has changed tremendously, but to my old neighborhood, which has not. I stop and gaze at our old house. They say that those who have lost their childhood spend the rest of their lives trying to find it.
My father committed suicide when I was six. That left my mother with five children under the age of eight. Here's what I have learned from my own experience with grief:
When death or divorce shakes up the world of a child it can be so confusing for a childlike mind to make sense of what has happened. It's almost like our minds are made up of a long row of coat hooks. Each hook represents an experience you've had and what you've learned from it. When you have a similar experience to something that has happened to you before, you hang it on that hook.
Let's say you go the beach at noon in the summer without sunscreen. You play in the sun for 2 hours. You're not surprised when you get sunburned. When you start feeling your skin getting hot and painful you don't cry and wonder, "what is happening to me?" You already have a mental coat hook called, "I know the sun can burn my skin" to hang that information on because it's happened to you before or to someone you know.
When a child loses a parent, if nothing like that has ever happened before, there is no coat hook to hang the information on. The information, or lack of it, seems to float around until a new coat hook gets created in the child's mind. Maybe that child finally meets another child who has lost a parent. New coat hook: I am not alone. Or maybe that child hears an adult say something nice about the parent they lost. New coat hook: My parent was nice. Eventually as time passes the growing child may have experiences where, during a grief-stricken prayer, they feel that the Lord understands their pain and comforts them. New coat hook: It helps to pray. God can comfort me when I am hurt.
I'd recommend the movie, Ponette.
New coat hook: you're never to old to heal a little more.
Thank you for your thoughts in responding to my blog on Post-traumatic growth. I have not read Gladwell's Getting Over It; but I will.
I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer when I was 17. Now, 28 years later, I am conducting research about early parental loss in order to help people like you and me. We know how painful this experience can be.
If you lost your mother before you turned 18, and if you are now 20 or older, you are respectfully invited to participate in the study investigating the effect of early death of a parent. The results from this study will be used to help others - adults and children who lost a parent -to cope better with this traumatic loss and minimize the pain for years ahead.
You can help make this study happen by filling out the survey. Completion of the survey takes approximately 30-35 minutes. The survey is completely anonymous. If you are interested, please click the link below:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/VW8HP5J
Your contribution and participation in this study will be greatly appreciated.
Having read through the comments on this feed, it makes me think a lot.
My mother passed way when i was 5 of an inoperable brain condition.My brothers were 1 and 3. I think I said goodbye. But i honestly can't remember. I have vague memories of her before she died. But she was never talked about afterwards. I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral, and i feel guilty about that now even though it was out of my hands. Of course, my father had a new partner, eventually, and life moved on. Unfortunately, his new partner was not the nicest of people for 14 years to myself and my 2 younger brothers. I left for university and then on completion, left for another country to get away. I am 34 years old now and I have spent only 2 of the last 12 years in my home country. I intermittently suffer from depression, or certainly depressive thoughts, I have just gone through a divorce for which i feel terrible guilt at my inability to commit to the marriage, and now suffer from anxiety and insomnia, hence I am sitting here at 3 in the morning typing this message. Yet, I still cannot go home as i feel no attachment to my family there.
I never really linked it to the past, as i never really had these problems or thought about them. but as time goes on you look for an answer. Reading the posts here has helped me to do so. Thank you.