Dealing with a Parent's Early Death
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2010-06-08/dealing-parents-early-death
Church Hill Cemetery, Christ Episcopal Church, Church Hill (Jefferson County), Mississippi
Flickr user NatalieMaynor
The death of a parent can leave emotional scars on a child that last for decades. One in nine American's have been through this type of loss before the age of 20. Helping children cope with the loss of a parent and dealing with childhood bereavement as an adult.
Guests
Lynne Hughes
Chief Executive Officer and Founder of Comfort Zone Camp, author of the book "You Are Not Alone: Teens Talk about Life after the Loss of a Parent."
Mary Owen
Clinical Director of WENDT Center for Loss and Healing
Holly Wilcox
an assistant professor in the Division of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and coordinator of the MHS program, Department of Mental Health, Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health
Comments
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I am 45 year old and lost my mother to cancer when I was 21. Although I wasn't a child when she passed away, the pain and feeling of vulnerability I experience over her loss, affects me just as strongly now as it did a year after her death. What can I do so that I don't feel the pain of her loss so strongly after so many years?
My father died of cancer when I was 28 and I don't feel the same pain as with my mother. We had a very close relationship but I was older and more independant when he died. He was also diagnosed with cancer a few years before he passed but my mother was ill for less than a year. As an aside, I remember thinking when my mother died that "dad better live a very long time!"
I look forward to hearing your program and will keep the box of tissues handy.
Mollie
My mother passed away when I was 17. I had a wonderful community of family and friends to help me through. College was hard when families were moving in their students, but now I have a phenominal step mother, I believe that everyone has some "issue" in their life-seek out wonderful friends and see a good therapist.
Naomi
Ohio
My brother is sixteen and we just went through the death of our mother from cancer. He was there until the very end and I was worried he would be traumatized by seeing the death process so closely, but he seems to be OK. His grades are good and he says he is fine, but I am still worried. Should I let him alone and trust that he is doing well or press him to talk to someone?
I am now almost 64 years old, and a father of 3.
My father died in the same hour as JFK. I was 17.
His fifth child, I still feel an emptiness every day.
He was a loving father but, regrettably, typical of a man of his generation -- distant. His life remains a mystery to me. I most mourn the absence of knowledge about him as a father and a person.
John
My father died at 42 when I was 8 from cirrhosis of the liver. My mom was 35 and had my brother (5) and myself to take care of. She never remarried or dated after dad died, so I was brought up in a totally single-adult household, and although she was an alcoholic (she entered rehab when I was 15), she did a great job.
I'm 38 now and have never married or had children. I'm sure dad's early death has a lot to do with it. But I live a really productive, very passionate and happy life. I am very close to dad's family, and by knowing them so well, in a way I feel like I know my dad. I miss not getting to know him as an adult daughter.
i think there is a great deal to be said for sucking it up. my mother died when i was 12 and my dad when i was 16. i was not cut any slack for mourning time, though everyone was sympathetic. today I am fine, and especially excellent in crises. My loved ones know that Ineed to know where they are. if that's a scar, it's easy to live with. On the other hand, my friend Janie is still, 40 years later, Poor Janie Whose Dad Died in the War. she has never been able to get interested in anything except being poor Janie
Diane,
Thank you for presenting this topic for your audience. At Erin's House for Grieving Children we see children every day that are hurting.
Thank you!
Debbie Meyer, Executive Director
Erin's House for Grieving Children - Healing Hearts. Building Hope.
I have never lost a parent, but have a 2 year old daughter and am so overwhelmed when
I think about what would happen to her if my husband and I both died. We have been unable to make a will to name someone as guardian. How do you do that? We both have siblings and parents and there are good friends who would be willing, too, but we can't make a decision. What kind of arrangement is best for a child who loses both parents? We are paralyzed, but what if something happens and we've never decided? I know that's the worst option.
I lost my mom to a brain tumor when I was five and she was admitted to hospital for a CT scan. This was 1973 and children were not allowed in hospitals. She seized and was in a coma for 12 months before life support was disconnected. We never spoke of her. Ever. I'm lucky to have some memories. My sister is 2.5 years younger than me and has none.
Fast forward to 1990's and I was a mess. Five suicide attempts over the course of my adolescence and young adulthood, with suicidal ideation having begun the moment she died -- I wanted my mommy, and I finally had an idea of how to find her.
In my early 30's (she was 33 when she died), I had a flashback moment and finally sought therapy. I was weeks from suicide.
Today, I am continuing to heal, but it is not easy. My mother in law has been diagnosed with cancer, and I've been helping her. For the first time, I feel that I can vicariously "do something," and this has been incredibly healing. It's awful what is happening to my mother in law, but for the first time in 37 years, I'm able to process some of the feelings that I was forbidden to have when I was a little girl.
There is hope.
I just finished an amazing book - Errands by Judith Guest - that describes a mother and three adolescent children in the year following the death of her husband. It's a wonderful moving account of just the kind of anger and behavioral issues you are discussing. I would highly recommend it.
My niece who is now 25 lost both parents before the age of 5 years old and then lost my father (her grandfather who she lived with) at the age of 15. She then started acting out in school and went from an honor student to dropping out of High School. She was never the same and none of us recognized it as grief and took action to get her help. We were all grieving for my sister, but thought becasue she was so young that she was immune to grief.
LindaC.
I was eleven years old when my dad was tragically killed in a car accident at the young age of 31. I was the oldest child with a brother who was 7 and my mother was pregnant with my sister. The grief I felt was insurmountable, but not really dealt with until my teen years. I was unable to cope with my life and tried to commit suicide three times before I got help. My mother was very withdrawn and distant until I was about 16 years old. My brother, sister and I have all dealth with our grief in various ways - my brother is in prison and my sister is 19 years old and pregnant with her third child. The death of a parent is earth shaking and has life long affects. I miss my dad every day and miss him more for my brother and sister because I have the most memories than they do.
I work as a school teacher and have observed some the same behaviors in children whose parent or parents have exited their lives and are now in the care of a member of the extended family. Some of those students have stated that their parent died, even when I know that is not true. Have you done any research into the grieving of children whose parent has left and those whose parent has died?
My mother died when I was 15. I am now 67. At 15, and with the other parent already gone from the household, I slept with anyone who would put their arms around me and say I love you. Later, grown, married, and raising children, I realized that when my oldest, my daughter, turned 16 that I had lost my parenting model. I had done a good job till then. But what was I supposed to do after 16? It seems as if one would just automatically know these things, but emotionally I had hit the STOP sign. Many long term effects that carry on through my adulthood. But, now I am a grandmother and have insights for my children and my grandchildren. Life teaches us lessons in many ways.
I am so excited to hear about resources for children who have experienced such profound loss. I was 9 years old when my father was shot down while piloting a police flight. It was sudden, horrible, and I have never totally recovered, I am sure. To date, over 40 years later, I still fear "abandonment." My mother was very young when her husband (my Dad) was killed and was ill-prepared to parent me during her grief. In my marriage, after all these years, I still worry about being abandoned (fearing that my husband will die), and I am never totally invested in any relationship as a result of the fear of being left alone. I have had years and years of counseling as an adult, but the counseling came later than it should have as I needed to process my grief long before I was in my twenties. When my mother told me that my Dad was dead, I yelled at her, "I hate you, I hate you, I wish it had been you." At my Dad's funeral, I remember watching people crying and my aunt tells me that I said, "Why is everyone crying? I can't cry. Didn't Daddy want to watch me grow up? It's my fault that he is dead. God is punishing me." I truly believed that because I had done something wrong a few days before and asked God to punish me for being so misbehaved. To date, I feel that men will let you down and I know it is wrong, but that is what I feel which is sad and reverts to my Dad's death. I so wish there had been resources available when I went through the loss of my father, and applaud all of you who have made strides to provide grieving resources for children.
My parents died in a boating accident when my brother and I were ten and twelve years old. Even into adulthood I had dreams of them having a life elsewhere with new families! Please, please encourage parents to complete guardian papers the minute a child is born. My parents were only 31 and 32 years, old, and just the week before their accident were discussing with friends who should be guardians of my brother and me if something happened to them. Unfortunately, because nothing was in writing, we ended up with the relatives least able to handle this new responsibility, and who were the last folks my parents would have wanted us to be with, and this led to a very unhappy and abusive home life. Thank God for great friends and other people, who, though I didn't confide in about my misery, helped me have some joy in those all important adolescent years.
I'm listening to this discussion and nodding my head vehemently. My mother died from her addiction when I was 7 years old. Life was expected to go on. I was expected to go to school the day after her funeral. I put on the pretty face, made good grades, and it was only years later that I realized I never fully grieved. In my mid 20s I fell apart. The grief was so great that it impacted my mental health (panic attacks, depression, etc.) and my intimate relationships. At 35 I find that although I have a different understanding of what happened, it seems like the older I get the deeper I find the grief to be. I think about the things my mother and I was never able to experience together.
I, too, felt the "could've, would've, should've", as though if I had done something differently this would not have occurred. Moreover, the shame that she died from an addiction was so overwhelming that I would often think about telling people she died from cancer or something a bit more "respectable".
I am quite appreciative of your willingness to give voice to this issue. I spent much of my life feeling alone in my grief and guilty for still feeling it after all of these years.
T.S. Fowler
Would the same or similar issues be faced by children separated from parents when they are placed in foster care? It seems that the grief would be similar plus they would be impacted by that fact that their parents could or would not care for them, or even abused them.
I understand all too well the how the grief swells up inside you when you turn the age or around the same age your parent was when he/she died. I am in my early thirties, and I feel sad more often than I used to. My dad was 31 when he was killed tragically and it is amazing to see just how young he was. I have four children and would be devastated if something happened to me or my husband and left them without a parent --- it is also strange to look at my children and think that I had to deal with such loss at a young age. As I get older things start to be put into perspective and it generates all kinds of feelings of loss all over again.
Peter Willig - Children's Bereavement Center (Miami)
Children grieve developmentally and we should be aware that loss is a lifetime experience. Frequently their loss is disenfranchised by the fact that we expect kids to be resilient and just "get over" the loss. Grief is also a universal experience and need not be pathologized. Peer support groups are often a positive and beneficial resource.
My father discovered the horse track, so he split when I was around three and made gambling a priority over our welfare.
Several years later, my mother died. Ironically, that same year, my step brother was born, and my father turned around and did the same thing to them a couple years later, and abandoned them. I believe my step brother’s mom is still alive.
I'll be turning 50 this year, and trust me, without decent support from remaining 'family' and 'in-laws', it's something I deal with on a daily basis.
After I moved up here to the Cincinnati area around fifteen years ago, I realized that I get no compassion, sympathy, and/or support from them.
Compounding the issue(s), is that I have never been able to attract a decent, compatible woman in my life, so I deal with loneliness and isolation every day.
My biological father died in a truck accident before I was born. My first stepfather died when I was 6-7 yrs. old in a truck/train accident. My second stepfather died of cancer when I was 33 yrs. old. I was VERY shy as a child, insecure and had low self esteme. I was married to an abusive alcoholic for 20 yrs. when I divorced. I have been divorced for 14 yrs. and have been on antidepressants ever since. The current topic of the show if of great interest to me. Thank you Diane!
My sister died less than 2 weeks ago. She left behind a husband two daughters, ages 17 and 20. What can I do NOW to help my nieces? The younger girl is very quiet and does not want to talk - about anything much.
Thanks for any help you can offer.
I was 5 when my mother died during child birth. The baby died as well. This was 1958. I was the youngest of three. I lived through 2 step-mothers. Much of what you are discussing close to home.
My father thought I was too young for the funeral so I had no closure.
The one thing that stays with me is the unablitiy to commit in a relationship. I have been married for 35 years but there is still thing missing. The same is for my two kids. They are Great people, but some things aren't as deep as I think is they should be.
I am 35 years old and my father died when I was 2. My mother was supportive and respectful to my mourning throughout my life and I am realizing that has helped me to feel validated. Although, I don't think she or anyone actually TOLD me that he was dying or that he actually died. And I did not go to his funeral. I want more people to know to SPEAK to their babies about the stresses going on. On a cellular level, all babies know what is going on. I now am healing those pains that occurred in the times prior to and early after his death.
I am 35 years old and my father died when I was 2. My mother was supportive and respectful to my mourning throughout my life and I am realizing that has helped me to feel validated. Although, I don't think she or anyone actually TOLD me that he was dying or that he actually died. And I did not go to his funeral. I want more people to know to SPEAK to their babies about the stresses going on. On a cellular level, all babies know what is going on. I now am healing those pains that occurred in the times prior to and early after his death.
My husband died when my daughters were 4 & 7. They would never talk about their father for a long time after he died because they said they did not want ME to be hurt anymore! My oldest, who was very close to her father now has relationships with much older men who always seem to look physically like her Dad.
My name is Kathy & my brother's name is Mike. When our father suddenly had a heart attach and died, I was 16 & Mike was 18. I struggled with his death until I was well into my 40's. I certainly thought I had done something wrong to cause his death, although I was not sure what. I have finally come to peace with his death, but Mike still has not. I am now 59 and Mike is now 61. These unexpected deaths and lack of help dealing with the grief can stay with you the rest of your life.
Hi. I lost my mother a month before my 17th birthday. She was a very religious woman, who didn't believe in medicine, and died of meningitis brought on by pneumonia. I can tell you it was a very painful experience that still brings tears to my eyes at the age of 56. I was 35 when I finally felt that I wasn't in constant mourning. My childhood ended at the age of 16. I have two brothers - one drank and used drugs, nearly destroying himself. The other drank heavily and had difficulty in relationships.
I was lucky to find a guy who was patient with me, and stayed with me while I went through so much anger and frustration. I am an intelligent person who couldn't commit myself to school, and graduated college at 40. I have difficulty connecting with people.
Thanks for this show. It has validated the grief that most people didn't seem to recognize. When my mother died, I was told I needed to cook and clean for my family, and the mechanical things I needed to do. There were very few people who would just give me a hug. So much to say, but don't want to make this too long. Thanks again. Betsy
I can relate to having to grow up and take on adult responsibilities when a parent dies. After my father passed away my mother shut down. I cared for my brother and newborn sister until I left the house @ age 18. My coping skills of "ultra-responsibility" affected me later in life finally causing me anxiety and panic attacks. I sought help and have had to learn to cope in a different way in order to take care of myself.