Abusive Relationships Among Teens and Young Adults
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2010-05-10/abusive-relationships-among-teens-and-young-adults
A recent survey found almost one third of teenagers say they've experienced dating violence. How to recognize the signs of abuse, and what can be done to prevent it.
Guests
Dr. Jill Murray
psychotherapist,leading expert on the subject of teen dating abuse in the U.S. and Canada,author "But I Love Him —Protecting Your Teen Daughter From Controlling, Abusive, Dating Relationships," and "But He Never Hit Me -The Devastating Cost of Non-Physical Abuse to Girls and Women"
Judge Susan Carbon
Director of the US Department of Justice's Office on Violence Against Women (OVW).
Dr. Elizabeth Miller
an assistant professor of pediatrics at the School of Medicine at the University of California, Davis, who began doing research on abuse in teenage dating relationships a decade ago
Cindy Southworth
Cindy Southworth is Vice President and Founder of the Safety Net Technology Project at the National Network to End Domestic Violence.
Comments
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When I was in law school, we had domestic abuse clinics for women. One of the things we talked about was warning signs that could be detected from the woman's own sentiments long before there was any physical or verbal abuse.
Every time I hear yeardly love referred to as "an angel" and the "sweetest person," I think of the dangerous situation in which a loving and nuturing person gets caught up with a needy and troubled person. I would say to girls and women that if they find themselves thinking they have to stay with this man because no one else understands or can help him, it is a sign of trouble. They don't have to wait for the first sign of violence or abuse. It is not healthy to be someone's "savior."
Likewise, when a man tells a young lady that she is the most amazing person he has ever met and he can't get enough of being with her (and then pursues opportunities to be with her at every moment), she should be carefully examining that relationship. She should friends what they think and listen carefully. It's really NOT a good thing to have a boyfriend be obsessed with you.
Please discuss the increasing number of American males who are being abused by American women, especially psychologically.
If a man is psychologically abused for months or even years by the women he is a relationship with and supposedly loves, and bottles it up for a long time, why is anyone surprised that he eventually snaps and lashes out with violence toward the abuser?
Are there any numbers concerning the abuse that young men endure in teenage relationships or are they under reported? Abuse comes in many forms, physical abuse being the most obvious and quantifiable. Psychological and emotional abuse is often overlooked but can be perpetrated by both sexes.
Whenever I hear of an abused woman (or a man) saying either 'But I love him,' or 'But he loves me,' and then hear the speaker say something like "That's not love," I rankle a bit. I think that this is both inaccurate---love can have its dark side, and still be love---but also is a very bad tack to take, denying as it does what seems a palpable reality to the abused.
I think we worship Love too much, perhaps because some of us are keen enough to recognise that there is no God (or none who will do much for us) but still are weak enough to need something to worship. One result of this is to both make love too normative---saying that someone cannot love is one of the worst things we can say of someone---and also to exaggerate its benevolence.
Love is grand, love has wonderfully (in the literal sense) enriched my life...but it can't do everything. It can't make someone else happy, it can't protect you from disease, and it can co-exist with abuse.
So when I hear the abused talk of the great love that is there, I don't say "That's not love," but rather "So what?" Not "He won't hit you if he really loves you," but "He hits you."
It seems unrealistic to expect the schools to discuss any sort of detail about sexual or dating relationships. Many parents limit what teachers can say, to the point that what students get to discuss in so-called "health" classes is useless. The teacher who "goes too far" in discussions, may lose her/his job.
I have been dismayed at how much more sexualized girls have become even since I was young in the 70's. Many are very forward, wear extremely provocative clothing, and drink in the manner of 'girls gone wild.' I have made a point of telling my sons that they may never take advantage of a girl-and must make sure that a girl who is drinking is in 'her right mind' when in potentially sexual situations. No matter how mature they seem, these young women do not truly understand the conflicting messages they send to young men and I fear for their safety-particularly in college.
My daughter is very lucky to have a father who is a fantastic male role model and always talks to her about dating and boys. As a 16 years old, the love and self confidence that she has for herself was reflected when she told me that when she starts dating, she will set the bar very high and she will not settle for anything less. Schools and the community are so important but as parents, we are the first and most important role models to our kids.
Excellent comment ARB Art. This phenomenon can be blamed almost entirely on the gutter trash mass-media in the USA.
Something that colleges should consider is launching the Red Flag Campaign. Created BY students and FOR students, the campaign consists of a series of posters that address all types of dating violence and controlling behaviors, and launches with hundreds of "red flags" appearing in prominent locations on campus.
The Campaign was created in Virginia, by the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance, and is funded by the Verizon Wireless HopeLine program. In September 2009, the University of Maryland College Park launched the program on campus. Colleges in Washington, DC; Virginia and Maryland interested in launching the program should contact Verizon Wireless at 202-364-5856 or visit www.theredflagcampaign.org.
THE RED FLAG CAMPAIGN
The Red Flag Campaign is the first statewide public awareness campaign to address dating violence and promote the prevention of dating violence on Virginia’s college campuses, and is now being offered to and launched on campuses nationally.
The Campaign is a project of the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance, and was created by college students, college personnel, and community victim advocates. The Campaign is funded by a generous grant from the Verizon Foundation.
Research indicates that in 21% of college dating relationships, one of the partners is being abused. That’s 1 in 5 relationships (see citation below). Whether you are a student seeking help for yourself or a friend, or a professional seeking information about how you can help students, we hope the materials on this website will be helpful to you.
I'm a little surprised that there has been no mention of trauma bonding, trauma repetition or the direct role that parents have in influencing the developing psychology of there children.
Often times young women find themselves in relationships that are very similar to relationships they have with their parents, and often times end up being abused, either mentally. physically or emotionally in the exact same way that they are abused at home. There has been no mention of the inescapable catch-22 cycle, in which young people must turn to those that have abused them- and formed their unhealthy boundaries, in order to learn about what healthy boundaries are.
I was an an abusive relationship as a teen; I am now 50 years old. I did not tell my parents or even my friends about the physical abuse, even telling a story about how I got a black eye.
We tend to focus on the question of "how do women put up with this." We need to change the focus to "why do boys/men do this?" The large majority of abuse cases are male on female. Abusive behavior seems to be an extension of what we deem "masucline" in our culture.
Kathy in Princeton
I think the real root issue that was not discussed was self esteem. I'm a big believer that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Men usually don't let other men verbally abuse them because there are social pressures that encourage men to be strong "be a man".
I think women could benefit from a social norm like this. I think it will take other women encouraging other women not to put up with crap from another man or woman. It is my opinion that if you let anyone treat you like crap whether it be you husband or child, eventually they will treat you like crap if you don't respect yourself and stand up for yourself.
I was curious about a comment one of the callers made about religion and abuse. I have always thought that very fundamentalist conservative religious beliefs about a woman's place and her role in society and the church, contributes to the domestic violence that is perpetrated on women. A caller alluded to this very thing and the panelist did not expound any on this aspect.
First, it's important to make explicitly clear that dating violence is not an issue that only adversely affects females. By narrowing the definition of dating violence there is a significant risk that affected groups will not receive (or seek) the help that they need. Dating violence is an equal-opportunity problem; it does not discriminate based on race, sex, gender identification, age, wealth, etc.
Second, it's also important that teens / tweens / young adults are given the necessary information to educate themselves about dating violence. It's not sufficient to acknowledge that this issue exists (although it's refreshing to see the media cover it) but we also have to identify warning signs of an abusive relationship in order to allow them to differentiate between "good" and "bad" relationship behaviors.
Here are ten warning signs of an abusive relationship:
* History of legal or discipline problems.
* Blames you for his / her anger.
* Serious drug or alcohol use.
* History of violent behavior.
* Threatens others regularly.
* Insults you or calls you names.
* Trouble controlling feelings like anger.
* Tells you what to wear, what to do, or how to act.
* Threatens or intimidates you in order to get their way.
* Prevents you from spending time with your friends or family.
Here are some ideas on how to create a safety plan:
* Talk to someone that you can trust.
* Plan in advance to have a safe place to go.
* Keep money and your cell phone or calling card with you at all times.
* Memorize important numbers in case your phone is taken.
* Establish a code word or sign so family, friends, and co-workers know when to call for help.
In 2006, Jennifer Ann Crecente was murdered by her ex-boyfriend and we're now doing what we can to prevent similar tragedies.
Drew Crecente
Jennifer Ann's Group
http://www.JenniferAnn.org
5 women talked about a gender issue. Were no male "experts" contacted?
How open can discussions be when the basic premise is that only females are victims, only males perpetrators?
Why no talk about the sin of omission? How equal are girls who choose to be passive instead of sharing equally the risks of assertiveness? You can abuse by NOT doing certain things, too.
Why no talk of girls who use emotions and sexuality to manipulate guys?
Since abuse need not be physical, why so little talk of abused boys? Who tracks such abuse? Were women not historically abused because police didn't keep stats on them?
How forthcoming will guys be when saying they're being abused gets them mocked?
The show was a perfect example of why those claiming to respect "different voices," and wanting "inclusiveness" and "open dialogues" don't deliver. Imagine a show on lazyness where all examples of indolence are done by blacks. How fair would such a program be deemed?
My son has been in an abusive relationship for 5 years. She has isolated him from family and friends by threatening to harm herself if he doesn't break all contact with everyone else. He's a rescuer, always has been and sees her safety as his primary responsibility, so much so that he aggressively attacked us verbally when we tried to talk to him four years ago. That is the last time he spoke to us. Despite repeated visits by me after tracking him down with search subscriptions online, he continues to move with her to apartment after apartment. She's obese, heavily tattooed, an avid occultist and anarchist who encourages extreme behavior in him. He's now obese and heavily tattooed as well. When she found him five years ago, contact with her brought him from consistent Bs in college to Fs. He flunked out of one school, we helped him get in another and she found him and once again he flunked out. His health, both mental and physical is at risk, he's out there all alone with her, and we don't know what to do. He's 26, well past the time when we could legally intervene. What can we do?
I agree that there should have been a male expert on the panel. I was wondering if any of the experts thought that part of the abuse pattern could have started in youth. I work with children and have noticed how specific stressors provoke some children to violence. We speak to each child after every event and try to understand their stressors. A surprising amount of children acted violently when they did not fully understand what was expected of them. When what is expected is made clear by explaining what we will be doing, what behavior is expected, the negative behavior incidence drops dramatically. So this experience brings me to the question: could it be our culture no longer has enough positive examples of healthy relationship behaviors for children to imulate or the cultural traditions that families use to instill are no longer providing guidence and the skill set needed to cope with all the new emotions and social situations young adults encounter?Could some of this abuse pattern be caused by not getting the proper skills as a child and pre-teen? If so how would a society solve the problem?
I only caught a tiny bit of this discussion while on my way to work. I found it very interesting, and was so glad to hear it. Over 20 years ago I was a peer educator at The University of Maryland, facilitating workships about sexuality and communication. I've also been a social worker since then, including almost 5 years of doing HIV prevention and working with youth around decision-making and risky behavior.
I was a bit dismayed to hear one of the panelists note that the victim of abuse never "chooses" to be abused (and I am NOT advocating taking a "blaming the victim" stance) without ALSO noting that the more we empower our young people that they do in fact have a choice in how they are treated, they better they will be equipped make decisions in their own best interest and learn to communicate well with each other. This can be a great preventative measure not only for abuse in relationships, but in unnecessary conflict and aggression that are rampant and hidden in every area of our society.
Every person on the planet deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. Until that message becomes instiutionalized, however, we will continue to hurt each other in a myriad of ways, on a number of levels.
It was a glaring omission to not have the male perspective represented or even discussed beyond a short response to a listener email.
The research is very clear that teen partner violence is experienced by both boys and girls with both being perpetrators and victims. I found it astounding that the host repeatedly asked questions that focused on girls as victims and the panelists didn't qualify such overt misandry. I can forgive the host's ignorance but I can't forgive the "experts" unwillingness to state plainly that boys and girls were both victims. They simply let it slide as they answered the question.
Letting it slide wouldn't be so bad if the default assumption of the majority of listeners was that both sexes shared in the problems being described. However, that is not the case. The default is to think of females as victims. Most people are not aware of males being victims and need to be told this is the case. Even when told most people simply don't believe it and this is why it is important for professionals who know the research literature to speak about male victims loudly and clearly. What we got from this group was mostly silence.
This leaves one wondering if the panelists don't have a vested interest in only focusing on girls as victims. All of their programs are likely focused on female victims and nearly all of funding money from the Violence Against WOMEN Act is for women and girls. That's where their bread is buttered and where their personal ideology clearly rests.
Looks like a good ol girl network to me.
There are some insightful comments here and I would like to add that I was very happy to hear one of your guests say *men and boys are abused also* It is one of the most under- reported crimes(not my opinion but fact) so the stats of abuse against males are not accurate. That is probably why up until recent times abuse against males was ignored completely. It was good to finally hear someone say that young men and women need to be made aware that controlling behavior towards anyone is unacceptable. You should have more males on your show to hopefully balance the content on a subject that is so important for our society. It reminds me of the NH Child Support hearings that I attended many years ago that had a committee that consisted of eight women only. When men complained about the one gender committee we were told to shut up. I was there. I am hoping that kind of arrogance will change in time. Thanks for a great show. I listened to every word but hopefully more male voices next time. Thanks for the opportunity to speak.
E said----
Very well said--I agree with the comments here.
The guests and at least one caller outlined the need for talking about relationships long before high school or college and I agree. As a school counselor, I have had to do "couples counseling" for students as young as 4th grade! I try to lead the discussion in a way that we talk about relationships in general and what makes a healthy one. I run into resistance though. These children seek romantic relationships because they're culturally understood as something special and unique and thus are more desirable - so many of their other relationships are so unsatisfying. To echo the guests, we as parents, educators and community members need to focus on the value of helping children recognize and value healthy relationships of all kinds.
I have three thoughts:
1. I agree about comments that abuse perpetrated by women was not addressed adequately. We can be so cruel to both men and other women....and equally need to be educated on to be healthy ourselves. An abusive relationship is often a dance that requires participation by two partners, and emotional wounds can take longer to heal than physical wounds.
2. This stuff starts EARLY. I teach four year olds, and it is amazing how much manipulation/abuse occurs on a regular basis! Probably 10 times a day I say "You do not need to play with people that hit you!", yet I look up, and there they are again, right back in the sand box with the perp. Some of us are good at being victims from a very young age.....I was one of them myself.
I know in MANY relationships, getting out entirely is the only safe choice, but I know that so many women get out only to get right back in it with another abuser. It is not only about recognizing the red flags in others, it is about recognizing the role we play as well. I am NOT saying anyone deserves to be abused, hear that clearly.I am saying we need to learn how to no longer participate in the cycle. We need to learn a new dance.
3. Hurting people hurt people. Unless we figure out how to help people not to become abusers(or victims) in the first place, this problem will rage forward. Without help, abusers will find someone or something to abuse regardless.
I am bothered by the assertion that there is no hope of recovery for an abusive person. I know that if BOTH parties are willing to get help, things can turn around. I know it because I have seen it happen. If the codependency is dealt with, there is hope for recovery. I like to think that we dispose of behaviors, not people.
At the same time, I also understand enough to recognize that this assertion is about erring on the side of caution....because staying in a relationship to "fix" someone can be a very dangerous thing.
Okay. Stepping off of soapbox now.
What an important show this was today. I felt for all the young ladies, and their parents, and could only imagine what they were all going through. It underlines the need for mentoring. Thank you for this show.
Those who organize the Diane rehms shows please notice how many comments were made that there should have been more *male opinions and voices* and will try to include mens point of view more from now on especially on an issue as important as abuse. Perhaps you could have another program on abuse and invite only men to comment or to be fair invite equal men and women.
I have a daughter and I'm not that much a fan of seeing young people dating. At this age kids are quite abusive and careless which makes these relationships quite dangerous. On the other hand, I've taken advantage of some senior dating sites and I can say I'm very happy with the results!
Abuse can include all forms both violent and non violent and can be perpetrated by almost any group against almost any group.
Jennifer Anns Group posted some excellent warning signs or red flags.
One area that I believe is significantly under reported is that of perpetrators using the internet to abuse and con mature women.
In particular divorced women dating over 50 are vulnerable as was recently reported by all of the major media channels.
In this case, Carole Markin of Los Angeles was sexually assaulted by a previously convicted sexual offender that she met on a popular internet dating site.
Markin was an accomplished professional woman that mistakenly believed that she was savvy when it came to dating online.
Unfortunately, she was not as 'street smart' as she thought she was. To read more about her story Google: "Online Dating Gone Wrong".
Suzy Weiss
http://DatingSecretsForDivorcedWomen.com
“Practical Steps For Finding Love After 40”
Abuse can include all forms both violent and non violent and can be perpetrated by almost any group against almost any group.
Jennifer Anns Group posted some excellent warning signs or red flags.
One area that I believe is significantly under reported is that of perpetrators using the internet to abuse and con mature women.
In particular divorced women dating over 50 are vulnerable as was recently reported by all of the major media channels.
In this case, Carole Markin of Los Angeles was sexually assaulted by a previously convicted sexual offender that she met on a popular internet dating site.
Markin was an accomplished professional woman that mistakenly believed that she was savvy when it came to dating online.
Unfortunately, she was not as 'street smart' as she thought she was. To read more about her story Google: "Online Dating Gone Wrong".
Suzy Weiss
http://DatingSecretsForDivorcedWomen.com
“Practical Steps For Finding Love After 40”