International Adoption
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2010-04-14/international-adoption
A Tennessee mother's decision to send her seven-year-old adopted son back to his native Russia sparks outrage here and abroad. The challenges of international adoptions.
Guests
Thomas DiFilipo
president and C.E.O. of Joint Council on International Children's Services
Janice Goldwater
founder and Executive Director of the non-profit organization Adoptions Together. Since 1990 the agency has been settling children in permanent, loving families and providing a full spectrum of supportive services to keep families strong. She is began her career as a social worker as a marriage and family therapist before moving into child welfare in 1984.
Jane Aronson
pediatrician who specializes in adoption medicine and orphaned children. She is also the founder and C.E.O. of Worldwide Orphans Foundation (WWO). WWO is an international organization dedicated to transforming the lives of orphaned children worldwide by addressing their unique needs through medical, developmental, psychosocial and educational programs.
Comments
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The Tennessee mother has created considerable discussion in the world of adoptive parents.
I adopted my daughters from China when one was 6 and the other when she was 11. They are both now 12.
What I feel is most important is the parents are the adults in the relationship. They have the skills and abilities to look for resources to help. The parents MUST accept more of the responsibility when there are problems with children adopted from other countries. They cannot continue to blame their child's behavior on their biological parent, the possibility that drugs/alcohol were taken during pregnancy, that there was not efficient pre-natal services available.
There probably were these problems! BUT this is the present and this is the child you chose to adopt. Find what your child needs. You might have to try a thousand things to find the right one, but this is your child. You must provide the love and care your child deserves.
My oldest daughter spent the majority of her first 11 years in an orphanage. She was found by "missionaries" when she was 2 tied to a chair in a room all by herself, close to death. She does not blame any problems she has on her background, why should I? We have to work with the here and now. I wish you could meet her. She is an absolute jewel. I will not let her wait on everyone and she has to learn to let others help her. That is her biggest problem right now.
Thank you for taking the time to read my note. If you are interested in my blog it is www.mysandwichlife.blogspot.com.
Jerri Locke
I am the adoptive mother of a beautiful seven year old boy, as well. He spends much of his day in the car with me with my car radio firmly placed on NPR. How then do I explain to him what he heard yesterday when the Diane Rehm Show announced their Wednesday programming. He heard "adopted 7 year old boy, sent back". Our baby boy is keenly aware of adoption, his own adoption in particular and the headline that an adopted child was rejected and returned to his homeland rocked him to his soul. Although I did panic a bit about explaining the headline to him, I found myself doing what I normally due for any one of my children when they are frightened of things neither they or I cannot comprehend. I assured him and reassured him that Adoption was a forever choice, that people cannot "return" other people and that motherhood is forever. He seemed to like my answers and all that for him to say, is "I wish that little boy in Russia had a forever-mother, like me!". "Me too, Jack", I said, "me, too".
Although I can't condone the actions of Ms. Hansen, I understand her frustration. My wife and I adopted two sisters from Russia four years ago and there were many things we weren't told about the severe emotional trauma suffered by our oldest daughter.
As licensed emergency care foster parents, we knew she had problems and even had her evaluated independently prior to adoption. All along the way we were told her issues were not insurmountable. That hasn't proved correct. They never told us she was often tied up in the orphanage for hours at a time to control her self-abuse and violent rages. From our standpoint, the Russian system isn't focused so much about the welfare of their orphaned children as it is about ridding themselves of bad apples while collecting thousands of dollars. Any outrage they may portray seems hollow at best.
Since getting her home it's been a nearly constant stream of shrinks, therapists, crisis counselors, and medications. She's been diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder and PTSD. What has seemed to work the best has been two trips to the local psyche ward in the handcuffs of police. The violence has been turned down a bit, being replaced mostly by profanity. It's very sad.
Even though the bloom is definitly off the rose, my wife and I remain committed to our daughter's recovery. We're hoping to start a new treatment called EMDR in the near future which shows some promise. Wish us luck.
I am the adoptive mother of a 13 year old child ( she is now 23) Adoption agencies paint with a broad rainbow brush that everything can be overcome with enough love. Most older adoptive children DO suffer from severe childhood trauma. Reactive attachment disorder and PTSD can-NOT be overcome just by loving a child. It takes a strong, two parent household with support from extended family, social workers, therapists and well educated doctors. Adoptive parents SHOULD expect their child will try to burn down the house, poison them and attack them while they sleep and they need a plan to deal with this. Parents should also be given respit (sp?) care so they can take a break from their child once a month. These are things agencies DONT tell the parents and they desperately need to. Please get the word out, being an adoptive parent can be the most rewarding experience of your life if you know what to expect and have a plan for dealing with behavioral problems.
Please dont use my full name
I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in independent practice. I specialize in working with families created through adoption. I am also an adopted person from Colombia, SA. This story is tragic and certainly could have been prevented. My hope is that it spotlights the urgent needs for pre adoption training in person (not on the web) and more thorough evaluation of parents wanting to adopt. Additionally it demonstrates the increased need for post adoption services and training for adoption professionals as well as parents. I am privileged to work with many individuals adopted from Russia, other countries, and this country. Most of them have struggled with challenges that were a direct result of early life negligant or abusive care. However, despite these experiences, they are all valuable persons, brilliant in their abilities to survive, and all deserve opportunities to live successful and fulfilling lives.
Thank you,
Susan Branco Alvarado, LPC, PLLC
www.adoptiontherapist.org
A friend and her husband have 2 adopted children from Russia. Even though they were informed about the physical health problems, they had no idea of the psychological problems that the children faced. Both children, now in their teens, have suffered from mental disorders that did not manifest themselves until the children were older. My friend, with the help of excellent doctors, research, family and support groups, has been able work through these problems, but it has been unbelieveable difficult and very sad. My friend is a very strong woman with a solid faith, which has helped her through this. There are support groups out there and the people there are very helpful. Thank you.
I am the adoptive parent of a lovely, well adjusted 12 year old daugter from China. I find your generalization of international adoptees disturbing. The case you are discussing has got to be an outlier.
Please ask the panel how the Russian's can ask why American's would do such a thing, when they are the cause of the child's developmental & emotional distress.
Thank you,
Lucy
I disagree with the statement that all children adopted from abroad have issues. I have an adopted daughter from China and an adopted daughter from Korea. They are now 12 and 9. We have a wonderful happy family with only the normal family issues. My kids feel sorry for me that I don't completely fit in to our family. I have blue eyes and brown hair. My husband, also caucasian, has black hair and dark eyes like they have, and therefore "fits in". I love that they see it this way!!!
My wife and I are adoptive parents of two Russian children. Our experiences were and are incredibly positive, satisfying and enriching. This is probably because we worked with a very talented agency which is very thorough. We had to go through a very rigorous program of qualification, interviews, reference checks and so on. We also had to do a considerable amount of reading and writing before we were allowed to adopt. Our children were 7 and 8 months old when they were adopted. They are now 9 and 11 years old. They earn good grades, have active social lives and participate in extra-curricular activities. The fact that they are adopted is an important component in their lives but it is not something that seems to hinder their personal and physical growth. We are very fortunate, but I am confident that if a reputable agency is hired which thoroughly screens and prepares the prospective parents then these stories are highly likely to have happy endings.
This story is so extraordinarily sad, I just do not understand how it could have happened given the amount of time, screening and money that went into our adoption processes.
Absolutely!!! Great point.
I am a Korean adult adoptee, and what I can never understand is why when a tragedy like this occurs the media will immediately focus on the agencies, and the adoptive parent community. The true experts on the adoption experience here is NOT the waiting parents, or the agencies who fail to follow up much less the parents who don't understand the emotional or cultural needs of their children.
Every child is different, but all adoptive parents have expectations of their own that a child, much less an adolescent child, who is being displaced on multiple levels will be able to meet. I fail to see how this woman in TN putting a small boy on a plane back to Russia with no explanation while attempting to adopt another child from Georgia makes her any less despicable then a woman who abandons her baby at birth. Over and over again within the adoptee community we ask why is it easier to return a child then it is to return a puppy? All adopted children suffer relationship issues, OCD and RAD in varying degrees and nothing can fix that. We all strive on a daily basis to grow and accept our lives as they are since we were unable to take part in our own journeys.
My wife and I are adoptive parents of two Russian children. Our experiences were and are incredibly positive, satisfying and enriching. This is probably because we worked with a very talented agency which is very thorough. We had to go through a very rigorous program of qualification, interviews, reference checks and so on. We also had to do a considerable amount of reading and writing before we were allowed to adopt. Our children were 7 and 8 months old when they were adopted. They are now 9 and 11 years old. They earn good grades, have active social lives and participate in extra-curricular activities. The fact that they are adopted is an important component in their lives but it is not something that seems to hinder their personal and physical growth. We are very fortunate, but I am confident that if a reputable agency is hired which thoroughly screens and prepares the prospective parents then these stories are highly likely to have happy endings.
This story is so extraordinarily sad, I just do not understand how it could have happened given the amount of time, screening and money that went into our adoption processes.
When my husband and I were investigating our adoption choices years ago, we decided on international adoption for fear of laws in many US states that we felt were extremely biased toward birth parents rather than toward the welfare of child, as we feel it should be. We were shocked at the disparities between the adoption programs of different countries. Adoptions from Europe were almost twice as costly in program fees and travel fees than programs in Asia or Latin America. Children often languished in orphanages for shocking lengths of time in horrible conditions, as opposed to the spare but loving environment and relative efficiency of the process that we found in Colombia, where we ultimately traveled to adopt our 2 boys, who were 10 and 11 weeks old, respectively. What's the catch?? Babies in Asia and Latin America are rarely caucasian. Our children don't look like us, and although it generates a lot of questions, we consider those questions opportunities to tell our story. The boys are proud of their heritage, which is unique in our extended family, and they are wicked soccer players, which we attribute to their Colombian blood!
And though I can empathize with the impulse to rescue children from these conditions, doing so is also supporting and condoning the system which perpetuates them, and therefore dooming future children to suffer in the same way.
Every adoptive family has its own priorities while going through the process, and their own hopes for what their experiences will be. Our own families will be affected by these choices, but our choices also affect the system that cares for future children as well.
I would like to suggest that adoptive parents reach into the adult adoptee community as well. Most of us are more then willing to act as mentors to both the adoptive parents as well as the adoptee child. Organizations like Adult Adoptees of Washington and AKA in New York provide mentor programs. Children will share things sometimes with people who they feel they can relate to in a different way from their parents, it's difficult when well meaning adults tell you things like "aren't you lucky" or "you must be special". It creates a feeling of "shouldn't I be thankful?' when you are still struggling with your identity and difference from your entire family.
I think that a lot of people choose to adopt internationally because they are looking for a caucasian child. Our son is black, and we adopted him in Virginia and had absolutely NO PROBLEMS. He is a loving, well adjusted child. He was in a great foster home until we adopted him, and brought him home at around 6 mos. of age. Unfortunately, many people do not even consider adopting a child of color...especially a male. We have one biological child and our adopted son and they are BOTH my sons.
This sad situation but not unusual. The child must continue to be supported financially by his US parents, even if it's decided that he stays in Russia. He is an US citizen by merit of his adoption and must be afforded all the benefits of that status. The Us parents should be pursued by the US law for child endangerment , neglect and abandonment.
I do not think the question about why are there so many foreign adoptions when we all know there are many many American children who need permanent homes.
I did an open adoption with my child - the family who adopted my child underwent extensive, almost absurd, scrutiny by the state, by the FBI, including home checks, income evaluation, etcetera. I don't think any where close to such analysis occurs when American parents adopt from abroad and sadly, I think there is a certain cache to having a little Korean or Chinese baby as opposed to having a white or mixed race American child who is in dire need of a home.
So please, ask the guests to actually talk about what profit they make off their agencies! And what we can do to make it easier for American parents to adopt American children.
D
People who enjoy feeling as though they are "rescuing" a child need to get over themselves. There is only one reason to adopt a child, and that is because you want to PARENT. If you want to rescue something, go get a puppy. Unfortunately we feed the "rescue" mentality by telling adoptive parents they are heroes. We are not. Some of us may do heroic things on behalf of our children, just as many people do heroic things on behalf of the children who are born to them. But we're just human.
That does not excuse the actions of the adoptive mother in this case in ANY way, though. The idea that anyone would hire someone over the Internet to pick up a child at an airport and then put the child on a plane by himself is just incredible to me. She deserves every single criticism and all the shame that is being aimed her way, and more.
Several responses to topics raised.
As adoptive parents, we adopted internationally because we had a 4-year-old biological child and were told by other adoptive parents that adopting a baby in-country was difficult for parents with a biological child
We chose adoption specifically because there are so many children who need homes and we felt we could provide a good one.
We adopted from Guatemala which had an excellent foster care system as well as small home-like orphanages.
At the time we adopted (10 years ago), there was a lot of pre-adoption process, but not much after, although they were always on-call/available.
It is hard to anticipate, even with all the information, what challenges you are going to face as an adoptive OR biological parent. Preparing prospective parents adequately and determining whether they are up to various challenges should be an essential part of adoption training.
SookHee,
I agree with you and thank you for speaking out. Our voices need to be heard!
Susan
Do you know if there are adult adoptee mentorships for adoptive kids in other states (NC & Guatemala in particular)? I think this is a great idea, but don't know how to locate them.
Some minutes ago, the panelists were asked why Amereicans adopt abroad. I do not like to inject this wonderful debate with the race card, but I have a strong sense that the percentage of orphans is the the US are either black or hispanic. Can you have your panelists address this issue in therms of racial composition of children available for adoption in the US and if race could be considered a factor.
Thanks a ton!
Dr. Jane Aronson, your guest “expert” regarding foreign adoptions, seems to be woefully uninformed about the wide range of international adoptions. I am the proud mother of a wonderful little boy adopted from Korea. Like so many children placed for adoption, his biological parents were too young and unprepared to care for him, so they placed him for adoption. At no point was he “laying in his own excrement” or left for hours unattended. Instead, he was cared for by an incredible and loving foster mother until we flew to Korea to pick him up. While the Korean system is a shining star in international adoption, making blanket statements about the fate and experiences of internationally adopted children is irresponsible, uninformed, and hateful.
Additionally, saying that all parents adopt internationally to “rescue” children is – once again – uninformed and ridiculous. We had no intention of “rescuing” our son. In fact, we wanted to have a family and share our love with a child, and adoption is the way we built our family. If anything, our son has rescued us.
We aren’t blind enough to imagine that our son will never have any adoption related issues, and we fully intend to get him (and us) help as needed as his life progresses. Regardless of any issues that may arise, he is our son, and we will take care of them just as any parent would.
Clearly, the case of this little boy being sent back to Russia is horrifying. Just as a very small percentage of biological parents do horrible things to their children, so do, unfortunately, a very small percentage of adoptive parents. It is irresponsible to sensationalize issues regarding adoption and to make sweeping stereotypical statements based on the rare horrific cases that arise.
You make a lot of incorrect assumptions about foreign adoption. ALL children deserve a family for one thing--not just American children. Secondly, if you think adopting internationally is some kind of status symbol, you simply are wildly mistaken. And if you want to encourage domestic adoption, than look to the laws of this country about what that entails. Read the front page of the Washington Post today if you want to understand one reason some of us choose foreign rather than domestic adoptions. No parent, adoptive or biological, wants to live every day with the notion that your child can be taken away by yet another court order, no matter how many legal processes you've already gone through.
If that were true, you wouldn't have so many anglo-saxon parents adopting from central america, minority children (meaning non-white) from Russia and the caucuses, Korea and on and on.
Perhaps the cigar is just a cigar---adoptive parents actually want to parent a child who needs them wherever that child may be.
We adopted two siblings domestically, now two years old.
Speaking from my own experience in regards to the issue brought up by todays segment I would like to make three points:
1. We had the initial interview, pre and post home visits, three on each side, a back ground check, two physical checkups one at each end of the process. I am extremely happy to have my children but I do not believe the adoption process we went through in any meaningful way could gauge a couples suitability as parents.
2. As prospective adoptive parents we did not feel our social worker was a resource to lean on. We felt at her mercy through the whole process and did not relax until our finalization. We felt bullied. Many of our friends with adopted children have expressed the same feelings of vunerability and powerlesness.
3. Before beginning the adoption process I had the impression that domestic adoption was far more expensive and tangled with red tape than international. More than a few people I know believed the same (It is funny but I think people who inquire are dissapointed when they find out our children are not from some far off exotic place).Through the process I have learned that this is not the case . With or without Russian orphans in the mix there are plenty of children in need of a home here in the US and abroad. Many Germans, Canadians, and others end up adopting American children. Even with the frustration, working with the so called professionals, we experienced the fact that we left our options open to either gender and all races helped facilate having our beautiful babies in our arms in 12 months.
I agree
You can understand Russia's over-reaction to this case (closing all Russian adoptions to the US) by just listening to some of the same over-reactions about what this case means right here. You have posters making all kinds of ridiculous charges (foreign adoptions are about race purity, or foreign adoptions are about greed, or about status symbols).
Perhaps this Tennessee case is exactly what it appears to be: a parent who was woefully unprepared for the job and abandoned her child as a result. Biological parents sadly have been known to fit into that category as well. This Tennessee mother ought to feel the full force of the law for child abandonment but drawing absurd conclusions about all foreign adoptions --as obviously is being done in both Russia and the US--will tragically only wind up hurting more children.
If all I wanted to do was "rescue" someone or something, there are a lot easier choices than adopting! My daughters were the ones who gave up the lives they knew, the people, the language, the food, everything for them was new.
We all have different reasons for choosing international adoption and prestige/status has nothing to do with it. It is all about the child and the family you make.
I'm not sure how the impression that international adoption does not require a lot of work, but the paperwork tome and the costs associated are huge.