Peter Lovenheim: "In The Neighborhood"
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2010-04-07/peter-lovenheim-neighborhood
Author Peter Lovenheim
Jaime Columbus/Courtesy Penguin Group
A journalist describes his quest to meet the neighbors.
Guests
Peter Lovenheim
Author and essayist whose work has appeared in The New York Times and New York magazine, and in four previous books, including "Becoming a Mediator: An Insider’s Guide to Exploring Careers in Mediation."
Comments
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Mr. Lovenheim:
Did anyone refuse to let you sleep over?
I think I live in a friendly community but I would not be comfortable having a neighbor sleep over, unless it was a real emergency. I just like my privacy.
Thanks, Marian
A simple and free solution to this problem is to set up a website for your neighborhood or even just your street -- kind of like a VERY localized version of CraigsList.
For instance, if your neighborhood is called 'Suburban Estates,' you could start a free blog at WordPress - http://suburbanestates.wordpress.com/ - there you can bring people together, coordinate local/neighborhood activities, and set up:
- Neighborhood Directory with resident names, addresses, contact information, etc.
- Neighborhood Businesses & Services
- Neighborhood Buy/Sell/Trade/Donate/Etc.
- Neighborhood Clubs, Education, & Discussion Groups
- Neighborhood Age Groups (for children, teens, elderly, etc)
- Neighborhood News & Events Signage, Transportation, Infrastructure, Etc.
- Neighborhood Sports/Exercise & Health
- Neighborhood Food & Gardening/Agriculture
- Neighborhood Homes For Sale
- Neighborhood Watch & Crime Prevention
...and so on and so forth.
All of this is available for everyone and anyone to do - just start a free website with the name of your neighborhood or street and pass out flyers to your neighbors announcing it.
My husband and I had wonderful neighbors in Portland, OR and were happy to have such nice neighbors when we were relocated to Charlotte, NC. But, I have noticed that much of the socialization that takes place on my street revolves around local church events. As my husband and I are not religious, we are often left out and find ourselves cornered into some awkward conversations about religion and politics.
I live in a beautiful neighborhood backing up to a nature preserve, but in the fourteen years that I have lived here, I would truly say that I do not trust my neighbors. I have had one who repeatedly cut down plants in a sizeable 50 x 20' flower bed and then egged the house. One who attacked my son when he was five and dislocated his shoulder, another who attacked him in the school causing him to be given school resources protection, several who have instructed their children to attack my son and who had me arrested for stopping those attackes, and finally several who routinely attempt to run either of us down when we walk down the street.
I would not want to socialize with these people.
Having moved around a number of times in recent years due to my husband's job, I find that I yearn for a sense of community. In some ways it seems easier to continue with some of my yahoo groups and people I interact with there as I take those with me wherever I go, though I really would like more in real life (IRL) connections compared with URL.
Winter has left SE Michigan now, and I've discovered that there is a child my daughter's age on our street. People are out, and I am starting to make acquaintances with others. I think that intention and time are necessary for taking the initiative and to give space for relationships to grow.
Thank you for such a timely topic,
Betty in SE Michigan
Mr. Lovenheim,
I guess we are the exception to the rule in most neighborhoods.
I live in Norwood, Oh and when we moved into the neighborhood, we decided that we wanted to have a very tight knit neighborhood. We thought that would be impossible since we are gay.
We set out to intentinally meet each and every one of our neighbors and we are now friends with everyone on our street.
We have neighborhood cookouts, we do things for each other and we have shared joy and sorrow.
I can not imagine not knowing who is living next door to you. That is a frightening concept that in this day and age, is more common than not. We consider ourselves very blessed by the friendships we have formed and the positive energy that we receive from the bonds.
Thank you,
Rhonda R. Snider
I grew up on a farm in Michigan. As a child, we spent a great deal of enjoyable time outside and outside with people. Today, a huge component of not knowing our neighbors is because of our hurried lives. In addition to the crescendo of daily life, "we" don't get outside. Also, with a growing reliance on an internet world, again, in general, we don't directly relate with people as much as in the past. I love porches but in a society ,historically, that doesn't have as much time to use them, our neighborly relations are becoming as uncommon as porches.
My neighborhood is very mixed. We have a park at the end of my block and a community garden. Mostly the community garden is white middle/upper class and the playground/park is the lower socio-economic groups. It is a very social neighborhood but also a very segregated one. How do we bring people together regardless of class and race?
I also agree with the other comment that having a dog introduces you to a lot more of your neighbors. I walk to work every day rain or shine. I think I have had twice as much interaction with my neighbors because of it.
We lived in Roanoke, Virginia about 15 years ago and had the perfect neighborhood in Raliegh Court. Everyone knew each other, shared dinners, helped each other and the kids could run from house to house. What a wonderful experience. Miss that so much!
In 1991, as retirees and no connections to North Carolina, my husband and I moved to Durham, NC from Chicago. We were the "token Yankees" on the street and the choice of where to live was serendipitous. Neighbors came by with welcoming treats and we formed the best friendships. When I became a widow the neighbors continued their concern and abiding friendship. When taking care of the house and property became burdensome I moved a short distance away but my contact and friendships in Durham remain a constant that enriches my life. I never cease to be thankful that Southerners have a special sense of neighborliness.
Is this a baby boomer phenomenon?
Growing up we had a dynamic neighborhood in central NJ. I was born on the tail end of the baby boom in 1965. Now the neighborhood is nearly dead, with very few kids running around. It definitely was the kids that made the neighborhood in my time, but that raises the question, are the national trends towards isolation you describe due to the aging of the baby boomer generation?
Dan
We live in NE Michigan and deal with the same islolation during the winter months. My husband and I always joke that the only time we see our neighbors is at Halloween.
We have 4 small children and live in a neighborhood full of retirees or teenaged kids, so my kids have no one to play with. We find that everyone pretty much wants to keep to themselves, especially one street where all the families grew up there, and no one has moved in or out in 20 yrs - and they socialize with each other only. I actually understand that, I just lament that there are no younger families we can get to know.
We too have been guilty of "doing our own thing," but I am beginning to want to reach out. The other day a neighbors' dog dragged my son's coat out of the yard and brought it home, and I was so glad I had his name and number on it - otherwise how would my neighbor know who to call to return it, which she did. I started to think that it would be nice to all have each others' numbers. For example, what if we were out of town and our house was burning down? How could anyone reach us, since we have cell phones - no landline?
This show certainly inspired me to think a bit more about how to reach out to people, but what do you do when no one wants to reach back? I wonder how Mr. Lovenheim would respond to this situation.
Great topic, I greatly enjoyed it.
Amy in NE Michigan
Moved here (Arizona) from Mass. Lived in the same neighborhood for 10 years now. My neighbors are friendly, they wave, but don't want to be friends. We do not get invited over, etc. I had a block party one year and it went over well. But this didn't change anything.
My opinion is people hide behind their concrete walls and garage doors. If you are in the original click, fine, if not you are just visiting. Even 10 years later.
Mass people were all friendly, barbeques, get togethers, parties, totally the opposite of what I see here.
I think Mr. Lovenhiem mentioned that his town is Rochester. I don't know if it is NY or MI or ?. If it is NY he might be interested, if he doesn't already know, that the city is working on a plan to open up the low income neighborhoods by tearing down existing homes that are in major disrepair etc. Then making the open space available for community farming, neighborhood parks etc. as well as opening zoning. Please pass this along. Thanks
THERE SEEMS TO BE A TOTAL DISCONNECT WITH REALITY FROM THE SHOW AND THE AUTHOR...
MY EXPERIENCE HAS BEEN AS FOLLOWS. IN 1975 I MOVED INTO THE HOUSE I STILL LIVE IN WITH MY HUSBAND AND AT THE TIME 4 YEAR OLD SON.
I WAS WELCOMED IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD- PEOPLE RESPECTED EACH OTHER'S SPACE .WE WATCHED EACHOTHER'S HOUSE , HAD EACH OTHER'S HOUSE KEY...I ACTUALLY HAD 4 HOUSE KEYS FOR A LONG TIME. WE WATCHED EACHOTHER'S PETS WHEN NECESSARY-AND WE WERE THERE FOR EACHOTHER.
THE #1 ISSUE WAS WE TRUSTED EACH OTHER.
SUDDENLY THE DEMOGRAPHIC GHANGED. PEOPLE MOVED OUT, SOLD OUT, RAN AWAY FROM THE RIFF RAFF THAT WERE MOVING IN, I TRIED TO HOLD OUT FOR OBVIOUS FINANCIAL REASONS...(.MY HOUSE IS PAID FOR) BUT SUDDENLY I ONLY KNOW 2 OF THE ORIGINAL FAMILIES.
WE ARE OVERRUN BY PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO RULES, NO BOUNDARIES AND THINK NOTHING OF TURNING THEIR KIDS AND DOGS LOOSE TO DO WHATEVER.......I WAKE UP EVERY MORNING AND WHILE THE COFFEE IS BREWING I GO OUT FRONT AND PICK UP TRASH ....NOW THAT IS SOMETHING THAT A P.C PROGRAM WOULD BE RELUCTANT TO APPROACH BUT IT IS A REALITY.
what an interesting concept. I've lived in my town for over 14 years. If I knew at least 3 neighbors well, that would be a lot. I know the children who are my son's age (because they're always in my kitchen). Interestingly, my neighbors know my dog very well, and I'm amazed at how they'll say a hearty hello to him whenever I pick the short stick to walk him.
Bev
Elmont
I've also read Mr. Lovenheim's book ... as much as it makes me want to be more interactive with my neighbors, I also enjoyed getting to know his neighbors in the book---reminds me of all the times I've walked down a street and wondered about who's in there. I was struck with other aspects of his account: how we adjust, lose, maintain as we age, and what opportunities are lost, only seen in someone else's musings. Finallly, it made me question: how honest am I...how do I let other people know me, and what do I do to know them, neighbor or not.
Peter,
The spirit of neighborhood has declined thanks to our busy, insular lives, garage doors that go up in the morning and down in the evening, the internet, and the disappearance of front porches where, on a summer evening, smiles and greetings are exchanged. I also wonder, knowing your neighborhood, if everyone having summer residences elsewhere and the lack of shoveled sidewalks in the winter have contributed to the relative isolation of neighbors. I congratulate you on your work and look forward to reading your book and further discussion with the author...best regards,
Sandy Mayer
Mr. Lovenheim lives on a street that has manor-like houses with much lawnspace between each one--in other words, estates. This neighborhood is uncommon in Rochester, and I would not even call it a neighborhood. It is understandable why those living on the same street may not know anyone else, let alone chatting over the fence.
I live on a suburban street just over the Rochester line where the homes are modest by comparison, the space between them may be 15 feet, and I see my neighbors frequently. Though I've lived on this street only two years, I can say that if I needed help, I could go to several of the homes nearby and receive it. This is much more typical of my city.
Maria